The safe word is “Change!” The Bum reviews 2015’s Fifty Shades of Grey. See Doug and Rob’s full opinions on the movie here …
Uh, Dominant Mistress, am I allowed to tell the good people spoilers?
"You are."
There's this woman named Anastasia Steele!
Oh, c'mon, what's her real name?
Come on, that's like saying I'm Cinderella Diamonds.
And she's sent in as a substitute to interview a man named Christian Grey!
And he's like:
"I imagine you're not a real journalist."
"No, I work in a hardware store. I'm just subbing for my roommate."
"Couldn't your roommate have gotten another journalist to sub?"
"Yes, but they wouldn't be as quiet, shy, or inexperienced."
"I find those qualities attractive in you for some reason."
"And I find your lack of any likable identity attractive for some reason."
"I invite you to join me in an elevator shaft that'll be used as an obvious metaphor for later."
So Christian Grey, one the most photographed and famous millionaires in the world…
…walks into a hardware store without ever being recognized.
In fact, he walks into a LOT of places without being recognized.
He's kind of like an internet celebrity that way.
And he asks Ana for rope, duct tape, and zip ties!
Oh, isn't that cute, he's a guy on tumblr about to ask someone on a date.
But then one night, Ana does something that Grey sees as incredibly dangerous!
*gasp* SHE GETS DRUNK!!!
Dude, if that's dangerous, I must be this guy's Evel Knievel.
And Grey is like:
"Stay there! I'm gonna bring you to a safe place!"
"Oh yeah, where's that?"
"A dungeon where I can tie you up and beat you!"
"Oh, well, that sounds– wait, what?"
So Grey tells her that he wants her to be his submissive sexercise!
And Ana is like:
"I can't agree to do this, I know nothing about you!"
"Well, will you have sex with me even though you know nothing about me?"
"Yeah, okay."
But Grey still wants her to indulge his fetish!
…even though there's about a million other people in the world who would do so willingly…
And Grey is like:
"You must sign this non-disclosure agreement that you'll tell nobody that we are dating."
"Eh, I'm gonna cross out this part that says 'tell nobody' and replace it with 'tell everybody, but you will not get angry for some reason'."
"I think that's fair."
"Wonderful! Now, will you love me?"
"I'm sorry, I don't do love!"
"What?! Then why don't you hire a prostitute or something?"
"Because there's something that draws me to you! Something the writers obviously forgot to put in but nevertheless it draws me emotionally to you!"
"Even though you just said you don't get emotionally involved."
"Hey, sorry, baby! I'm just not a 'flowers and candy' kind of guy."
"But you do seem to be a 'helicopter, airplane, and buying me cars' kind of guy."
"Those are two totally different things."
"Yeah, one's a lot bigger."
"Don't question me! I'm complex."
So Grey admits he was a submissive when he was only 15 years old!
And also admits he was born from a woman who was a crack addict!
And invites her to meet his family while he also goes to meet her family…
…yet does not get emotionally involved.
And Ana is like:
"You make NO sense whatsoever."
"Of course I don't! I'm complex."
"Yeah, I think you're confusing 'complex' with 'inconsistent and lazily written'."
"It's no more inconsistent than you hating my gifts, but still taking them!"
"Well, I, uh…"
"And not filling out the paperwork, but still being tied up and spanked anyway!"
"Well, I, uh…"
"And no more inconsistent than going to a relationship I clearly said would have no love and yet you constantly trying to get love out of it!"
"What can I say, we spawned from Twilight fanfiction, there's really no direction to go but down."
"Oh, let's just give the horny middle-aged ladies the bondage that they want!"
But Ana still wants to find out more about him!
So she asks him to confess why he likes all this weird ass crap!
And Grey is like:
"I can't tell you, it's too painful!"
"Yeah, I know, you seem to be a guy who's kinda into that."
"But not this time! I'm complex."
"But you confessed to me all that other difficult stuff you never told anyone!"
"That was different! At that point, I was at this level of complex, now I'm at this level of complex! I'm complex."
"Okay, then show me the pain you feel!"
"What, really?"
"Yes, don't hold back! It's clearly the only way!"
"Well, no, I think we clearly established I can tell you. I'm just being stubborn."
"No! I'm giving you permission to beat the living crap out of me!"
"You're sure? You are talking to a sadist here."
"Okay, well, I'm just gonna do what I've always done to you except a lot harder and I want you to count with me."
"Really, that's it?"
"Yeah, for someone as messed up as I am, you think it'd be worse, but eh."
"Alright, you have my full permission to do so!"
"OW! What are you, crazy?!"
"But you're the one who wanted me to–"
"You are never to do that again, you monster!"
"Okay, I will clearly not do what you tell me directly to do the next time you directly tell me to do it."
"You're a psychopath! And a fiend! And I love you."
"Wait, what?"
"Say you love me back."
"Uh, we've gone over this, I'm not gonna say that. Even though I confusingly go back and forth between saying it and everything but words."
"You should've made it more clear what this relationship was about!"
"Well, what do you want, a written document that has everything spelled out for you?"
"Oh, wait! There is!"
"I'm going away, leaving the ending open for sequel books!"
"Well, can you at least join me in the elevator for a lame attempt at book ending the film?"
"Of course."
"This ending–"
"–makes no sense."
The end!
So Fifty Shades of Grey was really complex.
Even though we didn't really see fifty shades of grey. It was more two, a jerk and a little less of a jerk.
And a whole generation of women have been introduced to a world of sex they never even knew about!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have one who's paying me quite well to help her explore her kinky side.
"Oh, Chester~. It's playtime~."
*whip crack*
T-This is Chester A. Bum saying…
"QUIET, SUBMISSIVE!" *whip crack*
*whip crack*

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