THE JOANA CEDDIA BOX NOW AVAILABLE: JOANA SWEATER NOW …
Im back from narnia
Hello my doods, hows it going?
I would first like to apologise for my rather skimpy, quite daring whorish outfit today…
Its literally a trillion degrees here in Rio and im not about to die from overheating,
so, we're gonna have to deal with this…
but, you know, i dont have enough boobs to make this inapproptiate
so, i'm pretty sure i wont get demonetized!
But anyways! I bring you this footage halfway across the world in the wild, wild, south
that is Brazil.
My parents and I, we decided to take a three week vacation
to come to visit family, and just have some fun before the school season starts!
My parents and i are all originally from here…
I was.. actually also born here.
But, we moved to canada when i was 1 years old.
And its been a ride… and a rollar coaster ever since!
Ive been having lots of fun! I've got sunburnt already…
But enough of that!
Today, I though i'd show you what a day in my life…
here, in the jungle looks like!
I've already had breakfast
I was actually able to get all the ingredients of my normal breakfast…
except that they didn't have tortillas… so i had to eat avocado toast.
Which, I mean, is always a bummer…
But, i'll deal with it because of this:
This! My dudes! is an avocado!
Here in brazil, these things are mammoth-sized!
This is… Rivaling the size of my head!
Why don't we have this in Canada!?!?
I'm so tired of those dinky little avocados!
And by the way, this tastes incredible!
It's so much more flavorful!
Canadian agriculture really has to step up its game with this stuff!
But anyways, let's get on with this!
My hair, it's looking spectacular!
Lets get going!
It was August 11th, 9a.m. 23 degrees
Uranus, in retrograde. Mercury, not in retrograde
415 parts per million of carbon dioxide in the air!
Methane, a whopping
1866. The polar vortex. What about that thing?
It's just chilling over the North Pole at the moment.
The stock market?
Down 0.34%
What does that mean? I have no idea.
All i know i that, Kevin O'Leary is probably crying in a pool of hundred dollar bills right now…
But enough of such novelties!
I ate breakfast that morning and got ready to go out and kill like 37 people!
I mean… go to the gym!
But before we do that! Everyone, i would like to introduce you to my grandmother!
Lemme just tell you one thing:
If you all had a tough time distinguishing between my mother and i,
just wait into you throw my grandmother into the mix!
We're like the three triplets from hell…
We're like the Olsen twins multiplied by 1.5 and spoon-fed a healthy serving of chaos!
But anyways,
My parents and i started off the day like we usually do, by going to the gym!
Here in Brazil,
one thing that I noticed at least, is that there is literally a gym at every single corner!
There's no such thing as
Y M C A doo-do-doo-do-doo-doOO
So, we went to this gym ran by one of my dad's buddies…
and we did our thing.
There wasn't much special going on here.
It's just the gym..
It hurts…
I hate it! But, it's meicine that
I have to swallow if i want to survive eating 1 millon cookies in 1 sitting!
I did my usual routine
I was going to leave there shredded!
My dad, he did whatever the heck this is!
And my mother? She had a blast on the stationary bike!
Well… as much of a blast as one can possibly have….
Once that was over and done with, i took a wet shower, which honestly..
made me look like a wet dog!
And my parents and I, we set out in search for someplace to eat lunch!
Did we get lost?
Yes! But we won't talk about it…
I blame it on Siri!
I swear! Whenever we travel outside of canada,
It's like she's constently drunk!
Siri put down the moonshine!
Oh wait no. That's Addrall
Darn it- No siri!-
But regardless, it was lunchtime. The awkwardest meal of the day!
Now, I'm not gonna lie…
we've been in Brazil for three days so far!
and every single day, we've eaten nothing but the best tasting trash Rio de Janeiro has to offer!
Latin American truly is completely different than American cuisine,
but it still is exetremely good… better! Dare i say!
For lunch that day, we each had a huge bowl of—
Okay… exuse my pronunciation right here….
Pao de queijo
It's essentially cheese bread, but not that typical American style…
It's so much better!
I'm sorry! But that bread pales in comparison!
I've had an addiction to this stuff, my entire life!
Actually, I was born addicted!
My mother and I try to replicate this at home…
But its never tha same as the one thats sold here!
After that, I forgot to film it…. But, we also had Brigadiro
I'll insert some stock footage here.
I know.. It looks like poop..
But, its way better than any chocolate
You'll ever eat!!!
Simply put, it's made by mixing condensed milk with cocoa powder and its literally crack!
I mean! I wouldn't really know what that tastes like!
No! I don't know what crack is!
I know of a crack in a wall!
I know of a butt crack!
I don't speak English…
And that was it my dudes, that was my amazing,
extremely healthy and nutritive lunch!
I think it's no secret that i'm an extremely
Health-conscious human being,
and this, this is just the top of the charts!
My insides have never been better!
Thank you for asking!
My pancreas?
Totally not working overtime!
My blood sugar levels?
Completely normal!
At this point, lunch was over and we were feeling on the rather thick side of the spectrum!
However, my posse and i put on our swimsuits and went to the beach!
Now obviously, the beach is something we don't have in Canada
But unfortunately, you really can't blame the tectonic plates for their temper tantrums!
So we defiantly relish in it's wonder every time we visit Brazil
Regardless,
We arrived at the beach , sat down our chairs, and got sizzling in the sun!
Now they say that a day at the beach cleanses the soul…
Well i have to disagree! If anything i always leave the beach burnt….
and extremely drained!
Why? Because i spent half the time digging a hole to China!
a quarter of the time having fallen asleep in the sun!
A third of the time diving for sea shells!
and the rest of the time,
practicing gymnastics!
I have so much untapped potential when it comes to gymnastics!
I swear to you!
I'm on the belief that as long as you end with your arms up, and a huge smile on your face,
you can do whatever exorcist type contorition you want and still do it correctly!
Oh? What's that?
You though i wasn't gonna eat anything else?
Hah, you idiot!
We actually ended up eating this Brazilian snack called "Biscoito de vento"
Which is a very light, cassava, flour based biscuit that is too good to describe!
The crunch? Oh my god!
Don't even get me started on the crunch!
The crunch is too good! The crunch is beyond amazing!
Okay! Kit-kat? get out of here!
Breadsticks? What even are you?
Nay! you won't remember the biscuit, but damn it!
You will remember the crunch!
At this point, the day was nearly over.
Our activities were almost finished,
the sun was ready to say good night
It was the end of the day, but nay, we still had dinner!
We were not about to miss out on the third, most yummy,
most gratuitous meal of the day!
for dinner, my parents and i hit up a "Churrascaria"
Which is essentially a steak house where you eat untill your stomach literally explodes!
and oh boy, was i unprepared for the feast your about to see!
One does not arrive with small culinary ambitions
No. No. No!
Oh my god! Meat did we eat!
Now the way these Brazilian steakhouses work is that there is a whole
conglomeration of waiters that each have a certain type of meat
and they each come around to your table to give you a slice of whatever
thigh, shoulder, rib, wing,tail, eyebrow (ect) you could possibly imagine!
Do they serve salads?
Yes, but never go for the salads!
Those are there to fill you up so that you don't eat the meat and cost the restaurant money!
I think its fair to say that I like to eat !
A lot!
As a child, it was really difficult for me to eat anything!
But then adolescence hit and my goodness gracious!
I could not stop eating!
So, eating in a place like this must have been a walk in the park… Right?
Simply put, I've never eaten this much meat in one sitting, at any point in my entire life!!!!
I definitely have to say, vegan discretion is advised for these next few clips.
I didn't even know that there were this many different cuts of meat…
Chicken heart,
That's a thing! Can you believe it?
I didn't have the courage to eat it though…
Shoulder, when the heck did we human being start eating shoulder?
I really do wonder what macaque that was one day,
Thousands of years ago, said
"Hey! I'm gonna lob off this mammoth's shoulder and we'll have a feast tonight!
Hey Billy? Billy, you got the wooden sticks for that grill?
Great, I'll tell Greg to bring those dried-up leaves we use for seasoning."
Anyways, we ate and ate and ate!
We were the visual representations of gluttony!
Manuel, the waiter brought around this fillet steak.
He really wanted to be in the video,
so if he's watching this right now, how's it going my dude!
Eventually though, it got to a point where my mother and I got extremely full.
The room was spinning!
Mother Goose thought she could fool her stomach…
and fit more food by stretching!
Which, i mean, infallible logic,
but it doesn't work that way.
My farther though,
he was just getting started!
While we were just sitting there,
literally, seconds away from dying by stomach explosion,
he was still eating!
How? Beats me,
My stomach was literally hanging on for dear life
and screaming at me to "Never do this again!"
There wasn't even room for dessert, right Joanna? Right?
Right….?
Wrong!
Of course there's room for dessert!
There's always room for dessert!
What kinda rule is that?
We finished our feast with this cute little chocolate cake,
that was pretty much swimming in chocolate sauce!
And let me tell you… It was amazing!
For context,
I filmed the entire process of my family and I eating this cake,
from the moment it was thrust in our faces,
to the moment that the final bite was swallowed by yours truly!
And the entire clip… was 45 seconds.
Is there some world record that, like we have or something?
Because I'm pretty sure we did something there!
We ate that thing so fast, I don't even remember it happening!
Did i black out?
Did it once exist??
Did i see a ghost???
Was it dust in the wind?
*Singing* Dust in the wind~ Everything is dust in the wind!
Anyways, then we went home and sat in traffic for what felt like forever…
We passed by these two bikers that appeared to be having a full blown conversation mid-motorcycling,
which I thought was kind of adorable, but highly dangerous!
What were they talking about?
Were they debating what they would have for dinner??
The world may never know!
But anyways, we then arrived on my grandma's house and crashed for the night.
It is now the next day, at 12:00 p.m,
and i have yet to eat something…
because i am still full from that feast i had last night!
But yeah, my dudes, that's it.
I hope you enjoyed this video.
I'm not entirely sure if I'll be able to post a video next week
because I kind of want to enjoy my stay here and
take a bit of a break before, you know the madness that is university commences.
So I'll see if I'll be able to post something.
Don't expect something too spectacular if I do manage to post it, though.
Thats it for me today dudes!
I love you so much!
Stay funky!
Stay spunky! Stay spicy!
And ill see you in the next one…
Toodles!!! (Captions by Chloe Pawtraits)

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