After Bonnie (Jennifer Tilly) tells Joe (Patrick Warburton) that she is tired of being married to a handicapped person, Joe decides to get a leg transplant. Excited …
♪ It seems today
that all you see
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
♪ On which we used to rely?
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
♪ All the things that make us
♪ Laugh and cry
♪ He's a family guy ♪
ANNOUNCER: We now return to
Dr. Terry Fabulous:
Homosexual Gynecologist.
Okay, Mrs. Robinson,
let's take a look.
Ew!
It looks like
a sad, old man.
Hey, check it out, you guys.
I got a new cell phone
that takes pictures.
Look, look,
I took a picture
of Lois' poo.
(ALL LAUGHING)
That's hilarious.
You should
e-mail that to me.
Hey, did you guys
see the game last night?
Oh, yeah.
That offensive line
is outstanding.
Yeah, you should
e-mail me that picture.
Hey, boys.
What the hell
are you guys
doing here?
We just decided
to have
a little girls' night out.
Yeah. You guys talk about
this place all the time.
We figured we'd give it a try.
Bernice, we haven't
really been dating
long enough
for you to be hanging out
with my friends' wives.
Shut up, Cleveland!
Okay.
(EXCLAIMS)
Check it out, girls.
Jukebox, huh?
Hey, you guys want to dance?
Yeah, totally.
Hell, yeah.
(WOMEN CHUCKLING)
(I WILL SURVIVE PLAYING)
Oh, my God,
this sucks.
The Clam's the only place
we got to get away
from the women.
This is a bigger disaster
than Jack Black's last movie.
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Jack Black
in The Unconventional Butler.
Edgar, could you
bring me some tea?
Yeah! Yeah!
Wait a minute.
Butlers are supposed to be
fancy and well-mannered.
This guy's screaming
and waving
his arms around.
You're an old man.
You don't understand
the young people.
You're right.
I'll change from now on.
Oh, my God,
that was so much fun.
You know, boys,
we just might make
this our regular spot.
Peter? Peter?
Yeah, I'm sorry, Joe.
I just had one of my Scrubs
fantasy moments.
It's the best show
you're not watching.
I hate shows that
cut away from the story
for some bullcrap.
Fellas, our way of life
is being threatened,
and we got to do
something about it.
Couldn't we just ask
the women to leave?
No, no.
I got something
way more expensive and
time-consuming in mind.
Well, men,
the Quahog Men's Club
is complete.
It took six weeks
and cost $8,000,
but it was worth it.
Peter, I wish you'd get
rid of this thing.
It's an absolute eyesore.
What do you care, Lois?
You girls got The Clam.
We got
the Quahog Men's Club.
Besides, we're not
hurting anybody.
What are you talking about?
You ripped
a whole chunk of wall
out of the house.
STEWIE: What is this?
There's something wrong
with the house.
I don't like change!
Peter, you can't just
slap together flimsy
structures in the yard.
Why not?
Herbert did it.
♪ Y-M-C-A
♪ It's fun to stay
at the Y-M-C-A ♪
(SIGHS)
All right, Peter,
this is a tough one.
All right, are you
ready for this? Okay.
Would you have sex
with Cleveland
if it meant
you could have sex
with Angelina Jolie?
Uh…
Yeah. Yeah,
I'd probably do it.
Hang on, hang on.
Missionary,
and you have to
look him in the eye.
No closing your eyes
and pretending
it's somebody else.
I think,
still, yes.
Thank you, Peter.
All right, here's another one.
Who would
you rather have sex with?
A very pregnant Gina Gershon,
or Jenny McCarthy
after a car accident?
Oh, hey, hang on,
hang on.
Look, you know,
I know this is
a men's club,
but why does it always
have to be about sex?
Okay, look, how about this?
How about this?
Who would you rather start
a small business with?
Janet Reno, after a safari,
or the fat guy
from My Name is Earl.
That still sounds like
a sex question.
It is not.
Well, then what the hell
does "safari"
have to do with it?
What's the guy
from Earl's
credit rating?
Six fifty-one.
That's not bad.
Better than mine.
Does he have an idea,
or do I have to
come up with it myself?
He's got an idea,
but it's not quite there.
I'd have to give it
to Janet Reno,
'cause I've always
had this business plan
for home delivery
of prescription
medications,
and that seems like
it's more her market.
This is stupid.
I want to
talk about vaginas!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Well, I'd say the Men's Club
inaugural ball
is a huge success.
Hey, guys,
let's play
a party game.
Let's go stand
over near Brian,
and we'll take a drink
every time
he says "bonerific".
"Bonerific"?
Yeah, it's his catch phrase.
He says it
all the time.
Yeah, sure. I'm in.
Okay.
Yeah, let's do it.
(CHUCKLING)
Hey, hey, Brian,
how you feeling tonight?
Good.
Having a nice time.
Are you feeling terrific,
or any variation
on that word?
Oh, sure. No complaints.
My skin's a little dry.
He's not
saying it, Peter.
(WHISPERING)
What?
No. Why would I say that?
It's not even a word.
What isn't a word?
"Bonerific."
(ALL LAUGHING)
Didn't I tell you?
You can't keep this guy
from saying it.
Boy, great party,
huh, Fred?
Yeah. You know, Barn,
I figured
I ought to tell you this.
I was walking by
your house
the other day,
and I poked my head
in the window,
and Betty was undressing.
Now, she saw me there,
but she didn't stop.
What?
She didn't stop.
I mean, she saw me there,
looking at her,
and she kept undressing.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
I got an erection.
I've got a headache.
Do you have any Anacin?
Any what?
"Anacin"?
Yeah, Anacin.
Do they even make
Anacin anymore?
Yeah, it's still around.
Why?
No, it just seems
like sort of
a '70s medication.
So you don't have
any Anacin?
No.
God, you're more worthless
than Colin Farrell.
So, you got
the wool cap on,
huh? Yeah.
Yeah, I guess.
You know, whatever.
It's 96 degrees out.
Better put on
the old wool cap.
Yeah.
Got a lot going on
under there,
under the wool cap?
Thinking about
your sideburns?
Yeah. No, no, no, no.
You're not
a complete jackass, yeah.
Oh, hey, nice T-shirt.
"Phresh", and it's
spelled with a "P-H".
Oh, that's fun,
'cause it's usually
spelled with an "F".
Yeah. Oh, and you got
a little tear
on your pants, there.
Oh, that's on purpose,
though, isn't it?
Yeah. Yeah,
you're a bad boy.
You're a bad boy.
Society wants
your pants
to be intact,
but you're just
not gonna listen,
are you?
My God, this is ridiculous.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to kill you.
All right, one more
pre-party drink,
and then
we'll head off
to The Clam.
It's cheaper to drink
at your house first.
(MEN CHEERING)
Boy, they sure
are making a lot of
noise out there.
Those idiots have done
nothing but hang out
in that stupid shed
for the last two days.
We should
crash that party.
Hey, you know what?
Bernice is right.
They're always
trying to get away from us.
We should march in there
and remind them
that they have wives.
Especially
if they have food,
because bar food
is so overpriced.
Man, who invited
Anne Frank?
Quagmire, tell that story
about the girl
with the inside-out anus.
Oh, you mean
Blossom?
Oh, that's
a great story.
All right,
so I'm skulking around
the intensive care unit
and all of a sudden
this smoking hot chick…
Hey, boys. Mind if
we join the party?
Sorry, Lois,
no girls allowed.
Oh, come on, Peter.
It'd be good to have
some chicks in here.
Quagmire, are you nuts?
This is a men's club.
There's the problem.
The ratio be terrible.
It's a total
mast-fest in here.
Yeah, this is
sort of lame.
Well, we can fix that.
Come on, girls,
let's dance.
Hey, hey, hey, stop it.
You women
can't dance in here.
Well, I know two people
who'll take my side on this.
The stuffy parents
from Dirty Dancing.
Right, guys?
Sorry, Peter.
Even we're getting
into it.
(GRUMBLING)
What's the matter, Bonnie?
Don't you want to dance?
Oh, it's okay, Joe.
I don't mind
sitting here with you.
What I mean is,
I don't want to
hold you back.
Don't be
silly, honey.
It's just as nice
watching other people
have fun.
God, I hate
being handicapped.
Sometimes, I feel more useless
than the head
of the maid's union.
And what exactly
are your demands?
We need
more Lemon Pledge.
You need more
Lemon Pledge?
Yes.
We're not responsible
for that.
You should just bring it
from your own home.
No.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello? Oh, hi, Lois.
Yeah, last night was fun.
Oh, it's okay.
I'm used to not dancing.
I mean, I knew
what to expect after,
you know, Joe's accident,
and I'm prepared
to live the rest
of my life this way.
Poor Bonnie.
She deserves so much
better than me.
God, she must regret
this marriage.
If only there was some way
for me to walk again.
Wait a minute,
what am I saying?
There's nothing wrong with me.
I'm no different
than any other guy.
Joe, would you put on
your hand shoes
and take out the garbage?
Thank you.
(JOE SOBBING)
Hey, thanks for
coming with me, Peter.
It sure would be wonderful
if Dr. Hartman
could help me walk again.
I'm sorry,
Mayor McCheese,
but I'm not sure
if any cosmetic surgery
is even possible.
Look, if it's
a financial issue…
No, it's not
an issue of money.
Your head
is a cheeseburger.
There's no blood flow to it.
It's just…
It's just dead cow meat.
All right. Well,
I appreciate you
giving it to me straight.
All right, then.
Have a tasty afternoon.
(CHUCKLES)
Ah, there's a smile.
So, what can I do
for you, Mr. Swanson?
Doc, I can't
take it anymore.
I want to walk again.
I'll do whatever it takes.
Well, there is
a highly experimental
new procedure.
It's essentially
a leg transplant.
If you'd be willing
to sign a waiver,
I think I may be
able to help you.
You know, when you talk,
you sound a lot
like my father-in-law,
Carter Pewterschmidt.
Oh, that's funny.
He's a patient of mine.
Here's my
urine sample, Doctor.
Thank you,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Hi, Peter.
You know, Peter says
we sound alike.
Really?
I don't hear it.
Actually, I think
I do hear it now.
Really?
Yeah, you know,
we've never really had
any extended interaction,
so I've never
noticed it.
Hey, I think
I hear it, too.
Seems lazy,
doesn't it?
Well, there's only
so many voices
in the world,
some of them
are bound to be similar.
Now, Mr. Swanson,
through the magic
of digital imaging,
we'll select the legs
most suited to your body
from our inventory of donors.
Hey, what about these?
Good choice.
These are the only ones
we have in stock
that aren't hilarious.
I'll take them.
Joe, you are gonna
be happier
than bullfrogs
on vacation
in Ethiopia.
This is fantastic.
This is even better
than they said
it was in the brochure.
Oh, yeah. I feel like a pig,
but, come on,
we're on vacation.
Exactly.
Don't hate yourself.
We're on vacation, right?
Yeah.
I hear Madonna's raising
this guy's kid.
Now, just relax,
Mr. Swanson,
and let the anesthetic
do its job.
All right, Doc, I trust you.
Good.
Now, I'll just pop in
the how-to video,
and we'll get started.
What?
Hi, I'm Jamie Farr,
and you're about
to perform leg surgery.
No!
He's been in there
an awful long time.
I hope
everything's all right.
Gentlemen, I give you
the new Joe Swanson.
(ALL GASPING)
Well, what do you think?
Wow!
You look great, Joe.
Holy crap!
That's fantastic!
They still got that
new leg smell.
I put his old legs in a bag,
if you want them.
Oh, great. You know,
we'll take 'em home.
We'll give 'em to Brian.
Come on, Joe.
I'll drive you home.
Are you kidding?
I've got working legs
for the first time
in 15 years,
and I'm gonna use them.
I'm walking home.
I'm sorry, Mr. Swanson,
hospital rules.
You have to leave
in a wheelchair.
(SIGHS)
Oh, Joe,
that was amazing.
I know. I was there.
My God, we haven't done it
in so long. I'd forgotten
how big you were.
I was gonna say
the same thing to you.
ANNOUNCER:
Coming this fall on Fox,
a new reality show,

Who Wants to Marry Corky
from "Life Goes On"?
You won't believe
what happened.
Come on, guys,
let's go!
Go?
Where are we going?
Listen, these new legs
have given me
my life back.
I want to do all the things
I could never do
when I was handicapped.
And you guys
are my best friends.
I want you to
experience it all
with me.
You can count on us, Joe.
Oh, this is great.
I feel so alive.
Come on, ladies.
Kick your high heels off
and get moving.
You guys are a disgrace.
Peter, this doesn't
seem safe.
Yeah, I'm afraid
I might…
(SCREAMING)
Wow, thanks,
Spider-Man.
Everybody gets one.
Tell him, Peter.
Apparently,
everybody gets one.
Bingo.
I don't know
about this, Joe.
There is no fear
in this dojo!
Joe, we don't
even know
what a dojo is.
There is no mercy
in this dojo!
Joe, why don't you
take it down a notch?
No mercy!
(FARTS)
All right,
we're gonna do it
once more.
(ALL GROANING)
And this time, no mistakes.
One, two, three, four.
ALL: ♪ Good morning,
good morning
♪ It's great
to stay up late
♪ Good morning,
good morning to you
♪ When the band began to play,
the stars were shining bright
♪ But now
the milkman's
on his way
♪ It's too late
to say goodnight
(SHOUTING)
♪ So say good morning
(YELPS)
♪ Good morning
♪ Sunbeams will soon
smile through
♪ Good morning,
good morning to you ♪
♪ Nothing could be
grander than
to be in Louisiana
♪ In the morning,
in the… ♪
Oh, I'm sorry,
I thought
we were still going.
My God, Joe is
running us ragged.
Yeah, I haven't been
this exhausted
since I had that job
as Jackee Harry's
personal grocery shopper.
A pallet?
Am I reading
this right?
You need "a pallet
of chocolate-covered
pretzels"?
Where the hell
am I supposed to…
(STUTTERING)
And what is this?
"A drum of grape jam"?
Is that…
What is that…
Is that, like, a drum,
like, they ship oil in?
Is that…
And look at this one,
"A desk of Cheez-Its."
A desk? Where were
you getting these units
of measurement from?
Mary…
(LAUGHING)
That is still funny.
Okay.
You stay right here,
big funny gal.
I'll be right back with
"a hammock of cake."
Yeah, Dave Matthews Live.
I'll burn you
a copy. Stay cool.
Hey, Joe,
what you got there?
Mountain bike.
Joe, I don't know.
I'm still chafed
from that power walk.
Both of my inner thighs
look like those
big cherry Swedish Fish.
Don't worry.
I'm not taking you pansies.
I'm taking my new friends.
This is Parker,
Quentin, and Portland.
Is Portland
the black one?
Portland
is the black one.
Joe, what the hell is this?
Well, Peter,
I realized over
the last few days
the only reason
I hung out
with you guys
is that I was crippled
and you were lazy.
I decided it's time
I got some friends
more suited to my status.
But, Joe, we've been
friends for years.
Hey, we all
make mistakes.
Come on, dudes,
let's go exercise.
Exercise!
Yeah!
I'm gonna do sit-ups
till l poop myself.
I can't believe it.
Joe just dumped us.
He's gone.
And all we've got
to remember him by
are his old legs.
(GROWLING)
Okay, okay.
Peter, I wish
you'd go over there and
patch things up with Joe.
Hey, screw him, Lois.
He doesn't need us anymore,
now that he's got
his cool, new friends.
I tell you, those legs
have turned him
into a complete jerk.
It's like giving
a monkey the keys
to an amusement park.
How is that?
How is what?
How is it anything like
a monkey having the keys
to an amusement park?
I don't know.
The hours
would be erratic.
Maintenance would
probably suffer
to some degree.
The prizes for
games of chance
would all be bananas.
Lois, don't call me
on this stuff, all right?
Just go with it.
Support me in these moments.
I'm hurt. I lost my buddy.
Well, Peter, there have
been a lot of changes
in Joe's life,
and maybe he just
needed to move on.
If I were you,
I'd look for a new friend.
A kindred spirit,
like Judas found
in Pontius Pilate.
You know, sometimes,
I feel like
someone should just
crucify Jesus of Nazareth.
Crucify Jesus of Nazareth.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Shut up.
No, you shut up.
I'm Judas.
Pontius.
This is so weird,
because just today
I was thinking
about how I wanted
to find the son of God
and nail him to some wood.
Well, let's go find him
and kick his ass.
That sounds swell.
(IT'S A SUNSHINE DAY PLAYING)
♪ I think
I'll go for a walk
outside now
♪ The summer sun's
calling my name ♪
So, do you really think
you're suited to be
the fourth guy
in our group,
Buzz Killington?
Yeah, I mean, we mainly
just sit here in the booth
and crack jokes,
but you're kind of
a buzz kill.
Oh, on the contrary.
I've quite a mastery
of the humorous yarn.
(CHUCKLING)
Do any of you know
the tale of how
cornmeal came to be?
No.
No.
Uh-uh. No.
Neither did the miller
when he left his house
that morning.
(SIGHS)
We got to
get Joe back.
Joe, please,
can't we talk
about this?
There's nothing
to talk about.
I've outgrown you,
Bonnie.
I need to spread
my legs and fly.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
Keep the kid.
It was awful.
I mean,
he just left Bonnie.
And then the bastard
completely blew me off
to hang out with
those new douche bags.
Peter, we got to
do something.
You're right, Cleveland.
Boys, there's only one answer.
We got to re-cripple Joe.
It's the right thing to do,
like taking out Hitler.
See? We had a plan
for that all along.
Bye, new awesome friends.
Bonnie,
I forgot my Soloflex.
Yo, Joe.
What the hell are you
doing here, pansy?
We're gonna
break your legs, Joe.
It's for
your own good.
Come on, guys,
get him!
All right, then.
Bonnie. What the hell?
Put my gun down.
Not until I have
my husband back!
(SCREAMS)
My perfect ass!
Oh, I'm sorry, Joe.
I was aiming
for your spine.
Damn it!
Joe, I'm so sorry.
I'm a terrible shot.
For God's sake,
just give me the gun.
I'll do it myself.
Boy, we really did
a number on each other.
You know, I just want to
take this opportunity
to apologize to you guys.
I was acting like
a first-class jackass.
I hope that
you can forgive me.
Oh, it's just good
to have
our old Joe back.
And once our injuries
heal up, we can all go
for a nice, long walk.
All right! Yeah!
Wait a minute…
(ALL LAUGHING)
(SINGING THEME SONG)
♪ Joke's on you ♪

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