‘Godfather of hipsterdom’ Gavin McInnes goes on a stand-up comedy tour with his best friend from high school and things go from bad to worse to downright …
[beeping sounds]
– HEY, I'M IN L.A.
– OKAY, WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?
– UH, I'M DOING AN INTERVIEW
FOR MY BOOK.
I'M DOING A BUNCH OF STUFF
DOWN HERE,
BUT I'M GONNA BE BACK
IN NEW YORK SOON,
AND I'M DOING A SHOW THERE.
I'M GONNA DO
A WHOLE COMEDY TOUR, ACTUALLY.
AND I WAS THINKING–
I'M LOOKING AT THESE
OLD PICTURES OF YOU AND I
FROM HIGH SCHOOL DAYS,
AND I'M THINKING
YOU SHOULD COME.
IT'LL BE LIKE THE BEST BUDDIES
FROM HIGH SCHOOL
VISITING THEIR OLD HAUNTS
20 YEARS LATER.
– [voice cutting in
and out indistinctly]
I JUST CAN'T, STEVE.
– OH, YOU'RE CUTTING OUT.
YOU'RE CUTTING OUT.
LET'S TALK ABOUT IT
WHEN YOU'RE IN NEW YORK.
[driving punk rock music]
♪ ♪
– ♪ I DO ♪
♪ SMOKE ♪
♪ I DO ♪
♪ DRINK ♪
♪ I DO ♪
♪ FUCK ♪
♪ I WISH I COULD FUCKING SING ♪
♪ FUCK THE WORLD,
FUCK THE WORLD ♪
♪ FUCK THE WORLD ♪
♪ I DRINK SO MUCH,
I ALWAYS HAVE ♪
♪ FUCK THE WORLD,
FUCK THE WORLD ♪
♪ FUCK THE WORLD ♪
– HEY, JUST GOING IN TO DO
LAST CALL WITH CARSON DALY.

AFTER THE INTERVIEW,
I'M GONNA SIT DOWN WITH HIM
AND ASK HIM ABOUT MY COMEDY TOUR
AND IF HE HAS ANY TIPS.
– YOUR STORYTELLING
IS UNPARALLELED.
IT'S HILARIOUS, BUT IT'S ALSO–
IT'S POIGNANT, AND IT'S SMART,
AND IT'S HARD TO FIND PEOPLE
WHO ARE,
YOU KNOW, PUNK ROCK
AND EDGY AND, YOU KNOW…
BUT, LIKE, STILL CARE AND
ARE GOOD HUSBANDS AND FATHERS.
AND IT'S HARD TO–
THAT'S A BALANCE
THAT'S HARD TO FIND
FOR OUR GENERATION, I THINK.
– YEAH.
– THAT'S NOT INCREDIBLY BORING.
– I'M ALSO VERY STRONG,
AND I HAVE A HUGE PENIS.
AND I CAN WINDSURF,
UH, SNOWBOARD,
UM…
– ALL RIGHT,
I'LL SEE YOU GUYS.
THAT WAS FUN.
THANKS AGAIN.
– THANKS, MAN.
– THANK YOU.
THANKS FOR DOING THE INTERVIEW.
– YEAH, ANY TIME.
– HEY, I WANTED TO ASK YOU.
I'M GONNA DO A COMEDY TOUR,
AND I WANT TO SORT
OF PICK YOUR BRAIN,
MAYBE HAVE A SIT-DOWN
AND DO AN INTERVIEW.
– UM, NO.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT.
– ALL RIGHT, BUT THANK YOU
FOR DOING THE INTERVIEW THERE.
[door closes]
[hands smacking]
I JUST HAD AN AWESOME IDEA.
CARSON'S BUSY,
BUT, UH, TALKING TO HIM
ABOUT THE TOUR
WAS REALLY SMART.
I'M GONNA GO AND INTERVIEW
A TON OF COMEDIANS
BEFORE I GO ON THIS TOUR
AND FIND OUT HOW TO BE FUNNY.
TODD BARRY, I WAS WONDERING
IF I COULD TALK TO YOU
ABOUT STAND-UP COMEDY
FOR A SEC,
JUST SOME POINTERS.
– UM, I'M ACTUALLY ON MY WAY
TO A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT,
SO I CAN'T.
– OKAY, WELL,
IT WOULDN'T TAKE LONG.
IT'D BE–
– I KNOW.
I-I-I CAN'T. I'M SORRY.
– IT'D BE, LIKE,
TWO MINUTES.
BE FIVE MINUTES.
– DO YOU WANT TO PULL IN HERE,
PARK HERE,
AND THEN WE'LL GO GET
SOMETHING TO EAT–
– YOU'RE LATE.
– YEP.
I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY
IF WE GOT–
YOU AND I GOT DRUNK,
AND, LIKE DRUNK HISTORY,
JUST TALKED ABOUT COMEDY
AND WHAT'S FUNNY AND STUFF.
– OH, RIGHT, THEN GET
FAMOUS PEOPLE REENACT IT.
– UH…
SO LET'S START
WITH THE FIRST QUESTION.
I NOTICE YOUR–PHYSICAL COMEDY
IS A BIG THING WITH YOU.
HOW IMPORTANT IS THAT OVER–
– WOULD YOU GET OUT,
PLEASE, FOR A MOMENT?
– I CAN GET OUT
FOR A MOMENT, YEAH.
– YEAH.
[engine revving]
– HEY!
– COCKSUCKER.
– WHAT'S UP?
– UH, I WANTED
TO SORT OF SIT DOWN WITH YOU
AND JUST TALK ABOUT COMEDY
AND IF YOU HAVE ANY TIPS.
– NO.
NO–I–NOT–
NO, THANKS.
[door slams]
clang!
– ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
YOU'RE WEARING A WIRE!
– TURN IT ON.
TURN IT ON.
HEY, JUSTIN.
COULD I TALK TO YOU
FOR TWO SECONDS?
I WANT TO ASK YOU
ABOUT COMEDY.
I WANT TO DO
A REALLY SHORT INTERVIEW.
I KNOW YOU'RE A BUSY MAN,
BUT I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING
ON WITH PEOPLE'S BRAINS.
– I WOULD LOVE TO,
BUT I ACTUALLY WOULDN'T LOVE
TO DO THAT NOW.
SO SORRY.
ANOTHER–
ANOTHER TIME I WON'T.
– [whispering]
FUCK.
HEY, WE THOUGHT
HE WENT INTO AN OFFICE,
BUT HE WENT INTO THE BATHROOM,
SO THERE'S STILL HOPE.
HEY, MAN.
UH, I KNOW THIS IS WEIRD.
I JUST HAVE A QUICK QUESTION.
ALL I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
IS IF COMEDY IS LEARNED
OR NOT LEARNED.
ARE YOU BORN FUNNY
OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT?
YOU KNOW,
YOU WATCH SPACE SHOWS,
THE ROBOT CAN'T FIGURE OUT
HUMOR AND LOVE.
SO IS IT ONE OF THOSE THINGS
YOU CAN'T FIGURE OUT?
ALL RIGHT.
SORRY, MAN.
WOW.
OKAY, THIS IS–I REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY APPRECIATE THIS.
I'M NOT GONNA TAKE
A LOT OF YOUR TIME.
ALL I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT IS,
IS IT WORTH TRYING TO FIND OUT
WHAT THE SECRET TO COMEDY IS,
OR IS IT SOMETHING
THAT'S JUST THERE OR NOT THERE?
– I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK THE–
THE PROBLEM WITH THE QUESTION
IS THE QUESTION ITSELF.
YOU'RE FRAMING IT IN KIND
OF THESE BLACK-AND-WHITE TERMS
WHEN IN TRUTH IT'S THIS…
NOT EVEN A GRAY AREA.
IT'S, LIKE, A RAINBOW AREA
WITH COLORS AND THINGAMABOBS,
ALL SORTS OF, YOU KNOW,
STUFF DANGLING ALL OVER…
FLIPPIN' GET YOUR ANSWER TO.
– HM.
– HEY, DUDE, LOOK.
YOU COULD USE SPORTS
AS THE EXAMPLE.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT FUNNY.
BUT, I MEAN,
LOOK AT SERENA WILLIAMS.
I MEAN,
WAS SHE BORN WITH IT…
BUT WAS HER TRAINING IRRELEVANT?
I DON'T KNOW.
BUT, I MEAN, WHO AM I TO SAY
THAT HAD SHE STARTED
AT 17, 18, 19, 20, 30…
SHE MIGHT, YOU KNOW?
– WOW.
YEAH.
I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.
THANK YOU.
– FUCK.
– OOH.
UH, THERE'S SOME MORE HERE.
– THANKS.
– THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.
– YEAH.
– SORRY TO BUG YOU.
– YEAH.
– DOESN'T LOCK FROM THIS…
– YOU CAN JUST LEAVE IT OPEN.
[raucous punk rock music]
– ♪ I WAS BORN BETWEEN
THE GUTTER OF MY DREAMS ♪
♪ AND SURFER ROCK ♪
[dial tone ringing]
– HELLO?
– HEY, UH,
YOU'RE IN MANHATTAN, RIGHT?
– I AM; I ARRIVED THIS MORNING,
MY FRIEND.
– THAT IS VERY GOOD.
AND YOU REMEMBER THAT I'M DOING
A SHOW TONIGHT, RIGHT?
– OOH, UM…
– YOU KNOW WHAT?
JUST–
YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST LIED
AND SAID,
"OF COURSE I REMEMBER."
BUT YOU BETTER COME.
IT'S THE FIRST NIGHT
OF THIS COMEDY BOOK TOUR,
AND, UH, I THINK THAT YOU'LL
HAVE A GREAT TIME.
– WHAT TIME?
– UH, IT'S 8:00.
UCB EAST.
BE THERE OR BE SQUARE.
COOL?
– I…
– YES.
– PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE
GAVIN MCINNES!
[cheers and applause]
– DON'T BE SHY.
– HI, EVERYONE.
– HELLO!
– WHOO!
– THANKS FOR COMING
TO THIS SHOW TONIGHT.
UM, I JUST FINISHED A BOOK
CALLED HOW TO PISS IN PUBLIC
THAT IS ABOUT MY LIFE,
AND I'M GONNA GO AROUND
THE ENTIRE NORTHEAST
WITHOUT MISSING ONE CITY–
I BELIEVE THERE'S FIVE
IN TOTAL–
AND JUST TALK ABOUT THE BOOK,
STORIES IN THE BOOK,
AND BE REALLY, REALLY
FUCKING FUNNY THE ENTIRE TIME.
UM, SO IN MY BOOK,
THERE'S, UH–
THERE'S SOME UNFORTUNATELY
VIOLENT SEX GOING ON,
AND A LOT OF PEOPLE ASK ME,
"WHY IS THAT BOOK SO RAUNCHY,
YOU KNOW?"
UH, AND I HAVE
TO EXPLAIN TO THEM
THAT WOMEN TRAINED US
TO BE FUCKING PIGS.
I'M SORRY–MY WIFE
HAS TO SIT IN THE FRONT ROW
AND HEAR ALL THIS LIVE.
BUT I WASN'T DATING YOU
WHEN I WAS FUCKING THESE WHORES.
[laughter]
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE FUCKING,
YOU'RE JUST SORT OF
THROWING SHIT OUT THERE,
SEEING WHAT STICKS,
YOU KNOW?
AND IT'S HARD, TOO,
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T CONCENTRATE,
SO YOU SAY THINGS LIKE,
"OH, YEAH, I WANT TO–
YOU TO LICK MY PUSSY.
"SORRY.
"I WANT TO LICK YOUR PUSSY.
I DON'T HAVE A PUSSY."
[laughing]
"OH, OH, YEAH.
"OH, I WANT TO COME
ALL OVER MY TITS.
"WAIT.
"SORRY, YOU HAVE TITS.
"I WANT TO COME ON YOUR TITS.
SORRY. OKAY.
OH"–AND THEN YOU JUST GO LIKE,
"OH, YEAH, EVERYTHING."
AND THEN YOU JUST SAY,
"I'M GONNA SHUT UP
"'CAUSE I'M NOT SAYING
THE SHIT THAT I WANT TO SAY,
LIKE, 'TAKE IT'."
OH,
I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING.
SOME BLACK DUDE IN COLLEGE
TOLD ME
THAT YOU GOT TO HAVE
A GOOD COME FACE
IF YOU WANT TO GET LAID.
SO FOR ABOUT TWO YEARS…
[laughing] EVERY TIME I CAME,
I'D GO LIKE THIS…
[grunts deeply]
[grunts]
AND GUESS WHAT.
IT WORKED.
IT'S LIKE,
"YOU GOT TO SEE HIS COME FACE.
"IT'S INTENSE.
IT'S LIKE
HE TURNS INTO A DEMON."
[grunts deeply]
[laughing] BUT, UH…
SOME I'M FUCKING
JESSICA [bleep],
AND I'M JUST THROWING SHIT
OUT THERE.
"UH, GOT TO GET GOING.
YEAH, BOOB."
AND THEN I-I MAYBE HEARD THIS
ON, LIKE, DEF JAM COMEDY,
AND I JUST WENT,
"AH, WHO'S YOUR DADDY,
WHO'S YOUR DADDY?"
AND SHE WENT,
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT, FUCK ME!
AH!"
AND I WENT, "WHOA!
OKAY, MENTAL NOTE:
THE DADDY THING IS BIG."
SO THE NEXT THING
I FUCKED A GIRL, I WAS LIKE,
"YOU LIKE THAT?
YEAH?"
"YEAH."
"WHO'S YOUR DADDY?
I'M YOUR DAD."
"OH, MY FUCKING GOD…"
[grunts intensely]
WHOA.
I'M ACTUALLY GETTING A BIT
OF A BONER TALKING ABOUT THIS,
SO WE MAY HAVE TO SWITCH IT
TO STORIES ABOUT MY DAD
AND HOW HE HAD A SERIOUS
PROSTATE PROBLEM RECENTLY.
ONCE THAT WAS ESTABLISHED,
HOLY TURDS.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
YOU HAVE, LIKE, A T-SHIRT ON
AND JUST BLACK SOCKS,
AND YOU'RE HOLDING HER EARS
AS YOU FUCK HER MOUTH.
[groaning]
LIKE, IT'S NOT LIKE AFTERWARDS,
YOU GO,
"I CAME IN YOUR FACE, SLUT,
NOW GO."
SHE WOULD GO, "WHAT THE FUCK
DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?"
EVEN THOUGH TWO SECONDS AGO,
SHE WAS LIKE,
"I'M A FUCKING PIECE OF GARBAGE;
KILL ME."
I EVEN GOT AN EMAIL ONCE
FROM A GIRL
I SHOULD FRAME,
MAYBE PUT IT ON PARCHMENT.
IT SAID, "THANK YOU
FOR RAPING ME LAST NIGHT."
LET'S GO TALK TO STEVE
AND CONVINCE HIM
TO COME ON THE TOUR.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MY NUMBER ONE BEST PAL
OF ALL TIME,
MR. STEVIE DURAND!
HEY.
HEY, COULD I…
– HI.
– EXCUSE ME.
– EXCUSE ME.
SORRY.
– THIS IS MY BUDDY STEVE.
– MAN, THAT FUCKING LIGHT
IS BRIGHT, MAN.
WHAT THE FUCK?
– HE–I'M REALLY HAPPY
YOU CAME TO SEE THE SHOW.
– IT WAS AMAZING.
IT WAS…
I WAS ACTUALLY NERVOUS
TO SEE YOU
BECAUSE I'VE SEEN
YOU BOMB BEFORE, OBVIOUSLY.
– YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU PROBABLY SAW
DONALD SUTHERLAND
WITH AIDS BOMB,
AND YOU THOUGHT,
"THAT LOOKS LIKE GAVIN,"
AND IT GOT MUDDLED UP
'CAUSE YOU WERE SO DRUNK.
WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH ME
ON THIS BOOK TOUR
AND LET'S JUST FUCKING PARTY
OUR ASSES OFF?
– CAN'T DO IT, BRO,
BUT AWESOME SHOW TONIGHT.
– THAT SOUNDS LIKE A YES
TO ME.
– NO, I'M NOT COMING, MAN.
– HE'S COMING.
SHAKE 'EM UP.
– I'M COMING–
I'M COMING–
– IT'S ON CAMERA RIGHT NOW.
WE'RE SHAKING ON BOB.
– I'M COMING…
ON THE TOUR.
– HE'S COMING ON THE TOUR.
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,
NO MATTER WHAT OTHER SHIT
HE HAS GOING ON,
HE'S COMING ON THE TOUR.
– I'M COMING ON THE TOUR.
– [grunts]
ATTACK.
ATTACK HIM.
BEAT HIM UP, SPIDEY.
RISE AND SHINE, BUDDY.
KICK HIM.
KICK HIM HARDER.
KICK HIM.
GET IN THERE. KICK HIM.
[both giggling]
KICK HIS BUTT.
– [giggling]
DO IT.
– COME ON.
WE GOT TO PACK.
IT'S FOUR HOURS AWAY.
YOU SAID YOU WOULD COME
ON THIS TOUR,
AND WE DID A BOBSHAKE.
– I BOBSHOOK ON GOING
TO BOSTON WITH YOU?
– YES, YOU DID.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE
THE FOOTAGE, SIR?
– YES, I WOULD LIKE
TO SEE THE FOOTAGE.
– OKAY, LET'S ROLL THE TAPE,
AND STEVE CAN SEE
THAT HE'S MADE A COMMITMENT
THAT HE CANNOT BACK OUT OF
IF HE WANTS TO BE A MAN.
– I'M SHAKING ON BOB NOW.
– SHAKING ON BOB.
SHAKE 'EM UP.
– WHAT THE FUCK?
– IT'S ON CAMERA RIGHT NOW.
WE'RE SHAKING ON BOB.
– I'M COMING ON THE TOUR.
– HE'S COMING ON THE TOUR.
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,
NO MATTER WHAT OTHER SHIT
HE HAS…
– I GOT TO BE HOME BY TOMORROW,
TO HUDSON.
– WHY?
– DUDE, I'M AN ADULT.
I HAVE TO PAY BILLS.
I HAVE A BAND COMING IN
ON TUESDAY.
MY HOUSE IS TOTALLY FUCKING
UPSIDE DOWN.
– ♪ CAPTAIN BRING-DOWN
IS COMING TO BOSTON ♪
♪ WHERE WE'RE GONNA GET
INTO A FIGHT ♪
♪ AND GO TO OTHER PLACES ♪
♪ LIKE MONTREAL, OTTAWA,
TORONTO, AND ALBANY ♪
– [coughs]
– YOU KNOW WHAT
I WAS THINKING TODAY?
YOU EVER HEAR–
I LIVED IN TAIWAN FOR A WHILE,
AND A LOT OF CHINKS
SAY "NIGGA" A LOT,
BECAUSE IN MANDARIN,
"NIGGA" MEANS "THAT."
AND THEY'LL BE LIKE…
[speaking Mandarin interspersed
with "Nigga"]
AND I'M LIKE–
IT MADE ME HATE CHINKS
BECAUSE IT WAS SO RACIST.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YOU KNOW WHEN
YOU'RE WATCHING A MUSICAL,
AND YOU'RE GOING,
"PLEASE DON'T SING,
PLEASE DON'T SING,
PLEASE DON'T SING."
LIKE, YOUR WIFE MAKES
YOU WATCH ONE.
AND YOU'RE GOING, "I CAN HANDLE
THIS BORING PLOT
"WITH, UH, MR. GOODFELLOW
AND LADY BUTTERFLY.
"FINE. GO ABOUT YOUR DAY-TO-DAY
IN ENGLAND.
"JUST, PLEASE, DON'T DO
ONE OF THOSE FUCKING SONGS
THAT SOUND LIKE
YOU'RE MAKING THEM UP AS YOU."
AND THERE'S A CERTAIN THING
WITH THE DIALOGUE
WHERE THEY GO…
"WELL, MR. GRANT,
I WON'T BE TALKED TO THAT WAY."
AND THEN HE GOES,
"YES, YOU WILL, MS. BUTTER LADY,
FOR I AM THE BOSS."
"YOU'RE THE BOSS"–AND THEN
YOU GO, "OH, NO, NO, NO, NO."
"YOU'RE THE BOSS, ARE YOU?
WELL…"
NO, NO, NO, NO!
♪ YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THING
COMING, MR. GRANT ♪
♪ BECAUSE I'M A LADY ♪
♪ AND A LADY WILL BE
WHAT A LADY WILL DO ♪
AND THEN THEY ALL COME OUT
OF THE BACK ROOM.
♪ 'CAUSE LADIES WILL BE LADIES
IN THE TOP OF THE MORN ♪
♪ WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE DOING TODAY ♪
AND IT GOES ON AND ON.
AND THE SONGS
ARE THE WORST SONGS.
THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE A CHORUS.
THEY'RE JUST LIKE…
♪ WHO'S GOT A MONOPOLY ♪
♪ MONOPOLY,
MONO– ♪
ARE YOU REPEATING "MONOPOLY"
'CAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO THINK
OF THE NEXT LINE?
♪ MONOPOLY… ♪
♪ BECAUSE THE BANKERS
WANT TO KNOW ♪
♪ WHAT THE BANKERS WANT
TO KNOW ♪
♪ AND THE PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW
WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO ♪
♪ YOU GOT TO THINK EVERY DAY ♪
♪ I NEED SOME LYRICS
TO THINK ABOUT ♪
♪ SO I'LL JUST REPEAT
THE CHORUS ♪
♪ MONOPOLY, MONOPOLY,
MONOPOLY ♪
AND THEN YOU GO,
"PLEASE BE OVER."
♪ BECAUSE WE'RE ♪
♪ LIVING IN THE LAND OF SIN ♪
♪ WE'RE LIVING IN THE– ♪
OH, FUCK!
IT'S IRONIC THAT GAYS
AND WOMEN LOVE MUSICALS SO MUCH
BECAUSE I WENT TO, UH–
SORRY THERE'S SO MUCH
HOMOSEXUALITY GOING ON TONIGHT,
BUT I WENT TO, UH–
A FRIEND OF MINE
BRUCE LABRUCE IS A HOMOSEXUAL,
A COCKSUCKER.
AND HE DOES THESE MOVIES
THAT ARE ALL RIGHT,
BUT THERE'S LOTS
OF GAY SEX IN THEM.
SO WE WENT TO THE PREMIERE,
'CAUSE WOMEN LIKE GOING
TO PREMIERES
'CAUSE THEY WANT
TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED
AND BE IN THE BEGINNING
OF A MAGAZINE.
AND I'M WATCHING THIS MOVIE.
I'D NEVER SEEN
A GAY PORN BEFORE,
BUT JUST LIKE YOU ARE HOPING
I DON'T TALK ABOUT GAYS ANYMORE,
WHEN YOU'RE WATCHING THE MOVIE,
YOU'RE GOING,
"PLEASE DON'T FUCK A DUDE,
PLEASE DON'T FUCK A DUDE."
JUST LIKE A MUSICAL.
AND THERE'S THE SAME KIND
OF BUILD-UP.
LIKE, IT'S TWO DUDES,
AND HE DID THIS THING–
IT WAS LIKE A PARODY
OF CHE GUEVARA
AND THE BAADER-MEINHOF GANG.
AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"I CAN HANDLE THAT.
"OKAY, THIS IS KIND OF
A WEIRD PLOT.
"YEAH, YEAH, OKAY.
OH, THERE'S A CHICK THERE.
WHY DON'T YOU FUCK HER, DUDE?"
[giggles]
AND THEN ANOTHER GUY SHOWS UP,
AND HE'S WEARING JUST UNDERWEAR,
AND YOU GO,
"OH, NO, NO, NO,
OKAY."
BUT YOUR WIFE'S GOING,
"ISN'T THIS AMAZING?"
YOU'RE GOING, "OH, MY GOD,
HE'S GIFT–
"HE HAS A GIFT.
PLEASE DON'T FUCK THAT GUY."
AND THEN HE'LL RUN OVER
AND JUST GRAB HIS PACKAGE,
AND YOU GO,
"ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO."
THAT'S, LIKE, THE, "WELL,
GUESS WHAT, MR. GRANT.
I AM A LADY."
♪ AND LADIES LIKE TO… ♪
[grunting]
AND YOU'RE SITTING THERE
ON A HUGE SCREEN,
SEEING A COCK GO,
"BSH, BSH, BSH" INTO AN ANUS,
AND IT'S SORT OF LIKE
WHEN YOU HAVE TO GO PEE.
LIKE, YOU'RE GOING,
"OKAY, OKAY,
"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
DOO, DOO, DOO.
"LET'S WRAP IT UP, GUYS.
WRAP IT UP, WRAP IT UP.
ALL RIGHTY, THEN."
I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE
I'M GOING,
"THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT.
"WE SHOULD GET–
GOD HATES FAGS.
GET THIS OUT OF HERE."
BUT IT'S NOT AMAZING.
SORRY.
♪ 'CAUSE YOU GOT TO FIND OUT
FOR YOUR ACTIONS ♪
♪ AND KNOW JUST WHAT
YOU DO ♪
♪ BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE ALIVE ♪
♪ IT'S SOMETHING THAT YOU NEED
TO WORK OUT IN YOUR MIND ♪
PSHAW!
WE JUST GOT
SOME INCREDIBLE NEWS.
STEVEN IS
ON HIS COMPUTER MACHINE,
AND THE BAND HE WAS HOPING
TO WORK WITH THIS WEEK
IS DELAYING THEIR FUCKING ALBUM,
SO THAT MEANS
HE CAN COME ON THE TOUR,
BECAUSE HE BELIEVES
IN GAY HIPPIE SHIT.
OR WHAT DID YOU CALL IT?
– UH, DESTINY.
– IT'S DESTINY, YEAH.
VOODOO-FUCKING-DOLL
KARMA SHIT.
BUT I'LL TAKE IT…
♪ 'CAUSE IT MEANS
WE'RE GOING ON A TOUR ♪
♪ WE'RE GOING ON A TOUR ♪
♪ WE ARE GOING ON A TOUR ♪
♪ CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
CAN YOU– ♪
♪ THERE'S FEVER IN THE EYE ♪
♪ AND THE SUNS ARE IN THE SKY ♪
♪ AND THE DEVIL'S ON
THE BLOODSHOT STREETS ♪
– [makes guitar sound]
– ♪ DOWN IN THE DUNGEON
WHEN THE DEADLY ARRIVES ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I SWEAR I SAW
A YOUNG MAN DOWN IN THE GUTTER ♪
– YOU MISSED THE WHOLE THING.
both:
♪ BUT I GOT TO GET DOWN ♪
♪ I GOT TO BREAK IT DOWN NOW ♪
♪ BEFORE THE FINAL CRACK
OF DAWN ♪
– [singing indistinctly]
[both singing indistinctly]
[makes guitar sound]
– HEY, SACKS, I REALLY GOT
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS.
♪ WE'RE GONNA HIT THE HIGHWAY
LIKE A BATTERING RAM ♪
♪ ON A SILVER BLACK
SAT-ON BIKE ♪
[both make guitar noises]
– SILVER BLACK "SAT-ON" BIKE?
– [laughing] YEAH,
I THOUGHT IT WAS SATIN.
– SILVER–SILVER BLACK
PHANTOM BIKE.
– ♪ OH, PHANTOM BIKE ♪
THOSE ARE KIND OF SHITTY BIKES,
AREN'T THEY?
[both laugh]
– THE PHANTOM–
– IT'S, LIKE, JAPANESE
OR SOMETHING.
I'M GONNA GET ON MY
SUZUKI FUCKING PHANTOM.
RAWR!
200 CCs OF POWER.
– MY FUCKING 250…
– RAWR!
– IN THE STYLE…
– THEY'RE MADE IN CHINA.
– OF HARLEY-DAVIDSON.
– BUT THEY'RE
A GOOD QUALITY BIKE,
AND I BET THEY'RE JUST
AS GOOD AS A HARLEY.
– [makes guitar sound]
– ♪ WHEN THE METAL IS HOT ♪
♪ AND THE ENGINE IS… ♪
♪ WORLD IS GONNA SEE THE LIGHT ♪
both: ♪ NOTHING EVER GROWS
IN THIS ROCK AND ROLL HOLE ♪
♪ AND EVERYTHING IS STUNTED,
IS A-LOST ♪
– NOTHING EVER GROWS
IN THIS "ROCK AND ROLL" HOLE?
– IT'S A ROCK AND ROLL HOLE.
both: ♪ NOTHING EVER GROWS
IN THIS ROTTEN OLD HOLE ♪
♪ AND EVERYTHING
IS STUNTED AND LOST ♪
– ♪ AND NO ONE'S
GONNA STOP ME NOW ♪
♪ I'M GONNA MAKE MY THING ♪
– [makes guitar sound]
– ♪ BUT I CAN'T STOP
THINKING OF YOU ♪
♪ AND I DON'T EVEN SEE
THE SUDDEN CURVE ♪
♪ TILL IT'S WAY TOO LATE ♪
AGH!
– DUDE!
FUCK.
– ♪ I'M BREAKING OUT OF MY BODY
AND FLYING AWAY ♪
♪ LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL ♪
♪ I'M TORN AND TWISTED
AT THE FOOT OF A BURNING BIKE ♪
[makes rapid drum sounds]
[screams]
LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL!
[gasps]
[screams]
LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL!
[gasps]
[screaming]
LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL!
– [laughing]
– ♪ LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL ♪
AND THEY'RE BACK TOGETHER,
BUT SHE NOW HAS
TO FUCK A GHOST.
– AH.
– SO SHE WAS A STRIPPER
AND SHE HAD BLACK SOCKS,
BUT NORMAL, LIKE,
DAD BLACK SOCKS
WITH HER STRIPPER SHOES.
AND I LIKED IT.
IT WAS–
– OH, DUDE, GO-KARTING.
– NOW I'M GONNA SHOW YOU
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WHEN SOMEONE GETS
THEIR ASS KICKED.
– SHOW ME WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE,
BUDDY.
[hard rock music]
– ♪ I WAS BORN BETWEEN
THE GUTTER OF MY DREAMS ♪
♪ AND SURFER ROCK ♪
♪ I WAS RAISED IN A… ♪
– STOP!
THE CAMERA!
[camera clacking]
WHAT DID I SAY?
– STAY THERE.
I GOT IT.
[go-kart engines revving]
– ♪ FLYING HOOKS
WENT THROUGH MY FLESH ♪
♪ AND TIED ME TO A HOIST ♪
[engines purring loudly]
– I THINK THAT, UH, WHO WON THAT
IS ANYONE'S GUESS.
IT'S NOT AN EASY GAME
TO DEFINE.
[singing in French]
– GAVIN'S DOING HIS COMEDY SHOW.
– [singing in French]
DUDE, GET OFF THE PHONE.
CAN'T YOU CALL HIM BACK?
– HOLD ON.
I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
– YOU JUST RUINED
THIS WHOLE SHOT.
OH, EXCUSEZ-LE.
[speaking French]
HEY, THEY'RE MATCHING.
[speaking French]
– UH, VERY FUNNY.
PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE,
GAVIN MCINNES.
[cheers and applause]
[scattered cheering]
– WHOO!
[laughs]
[laughter]
THIS IS, LIKE, 40 BUCKS.
THIS SHIRT WAS 100 BUCKS.
I THOUGHT IT'D BE A CUTE IDEA
TO HAVE EACH CITY'S SHIRT,
BUT JOCKS HAVE 100 BUCKS?
IT'S LIKE AN ED HARDY SHIRT NOW.
OH, YOU GUYS ARE KIDS.
YOU DON'T NEED TO GO
TO STRIP CLUBS.
YOU JUST FUCK EACH OTHER.
YOU JUST GET NUDE.
I MISS THOSE DAYS.
I GET MAD AT COLLEGE KIDS
'CAUSE THEY JUST
HAVE ON SWEATPANTS
AND A SHIRT AND THEN THE SHOE
THEY FOUND IN THE GARBAGE
AND A SKI BOOT.
I'M LIKE,
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DUDE?
YOU'RE AT THE MOST ATTRACTIVE
POINT IN YOUR LIFE."
AND THEN I REALIZE,
"WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?
HE HAD NINE BLOWJOBS TODAY,
AND HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT THEM."
HE'S LIKE, "CAN YOU–
"I GOT–I GOT CLASS.
SHOULD–YOU WANT TO PAUSE IT
AND FINISH IT LATER?"
"YES, THANK YOU SO MUCH."
"ALL RIGHT."
SHE'S AN 11 IN LINGERIE.
THAT'S WHAT I DON'T LIKE
ABOUT MONTREAL
NOW THAT I'M MARRIED.
I DON'T LIKE WOMEN ANYMORE.
SORRY, LADIES,
IS THAT SEXIST?
I'M NOT GONNA FUCK YOU,
'CAUSE IT WOULD BE LIKE–
I CAN'T EVEN FANTASIZE
ABOUT FUCKING YOU
'CAUSE I HAVE TWO KIDS NOW,
SO FOR IT
TO BE REMOTELY PLAUSIBLE,
THEY'D HAVE TO DIE.
SO I SEE A WOMAN LIKE,
"I'D LIKE TO FUCK THOSE TITS.
"THAT WOULD BE SO GOOD.
JUST COAT THEM IN COME LIKE
TWO LITTLE ICE CREAM SUNDAYS."
I WANT TO HAVE THAT FANTASY,
BUT THEN I THINK, "OH,
MY KIDS WOULDN'T HAVE A DAD,
"'CAUSE WE'D GET DIVORCED.
"OKAY, THEN THEY DIE.
"AND THEN MY WIFE,
SHE HAS TO DIE TOO–
MAYBE A TRAIN WRECK."
IT'S ALWAYS A TRAIN WRECK
FOR SOME REASON.
I GUESS, COCKS, MAYBE 'CAUSE
THEY'RE KIND OF TRAIN-SHAPED,
YOUR COCK ALWAYS GOES,
"HOW ABOUT A TRAIN ACCIDENT?
IT'S LONG AND COOL LIKE ME."
"UH, OKAY, TRAIN ACCIDENT."
SO THEN YOU'RE LIKE,
"ALL RIGHT, THEY'RE DEAD.
"ALL RIGHT, LET ME GET
TO THINKING
ABOUT COMING ON YOUR TITS."
"ACTUALLY,
I JUST LOST MY FAMILY."
ONE TIME, I WAS HANGING OUT
WITH MY FATHER-IN-LAW,
WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING
IN THE WORLD,
AND HE'S KIND OF SHY
'CAUSE GENIUSES ARE WEIRD.
BUT THE WAY TO DEAL WITH THOSE
KIND OF SUPER-LEVEL GENIUSES IS,
YOU JUST SAY–
JUST TREAT THEM LIKE GOOGLE.
LIKE, YOU GO,
"SO WHAT'S WITH TURKEY?
"WHEN WAS THAT–
WHEN WAS THE FIRST–
"WHEN'S THAT COUNTRY AROUND,
"AND WHAT'S THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE,
"AND WHEN WAS THAT,
ALL THAT?
"AND CZECHOSLOVAKIA,
IS THAT RELATED?
WHO ARE THE SLAVS?"
AND HE JUST GOES,
"UH, THE SLAVS–
"OR, I MEAN, THE WORD 'SLAVE'
COMES FROM 'SLAV,'
"AND THE CZECHOSLOVAKIANS,
"IT WAS A NOMADIC CULTURE,
BUT, YOU KNOW,
"THE SLOVAKS,
THEY LET THEMSELVES
"BE PUSHED AROUND,
YOU KNOW?
"THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE
CRUSHED THEM,
AND THEY DON'T REALLY HAVE
A STATE."
AND YOU JUST,
OH, OKAY.
NOW IF ANYONE ASKS ME
ABOUT TURKEY
OR THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE,
I KNOW EVERYTHING.
SO WHEN I CAME BACK
TO MY–OTTAWA,
I THOUGHT, I'M GONNA DO THAT
WITH MY DAD.
YOU KNOW, JUST FUCKING
TALK TO HIM.
HE KNOWS EVERYTHING
IN THE WORLD.
I'LL JUST SAY,
"WHAT'S WITH QUEBEC?
"WHEN WAS QUEBEC FORMED
AND WHEN WAS IT CATHOLIC
AND ALL THAT?"
AND THEN WE CAN TALK
AND GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
SO WE WENT TO A THAI RESTAURANT.
AND IT'S A NICE RESTAURANT,
AND THEY HAVE THE LITTLE OUTFITS
THAT THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE
ON THAI AIRLINES,
YOU KNOW,
WITH THE BUTTONS HERE.
AND I GO–
HE'S DRUNK, BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
AND WE'RE
AT THE THAI RESTAURANT,
AND I GO…
[clears throat]
"SO, DAD, UH, THAILAND,
SOUTHEAST ASIA,
"UH, WHAT'S ITS STORY?
"WHAT'S THEIR LARGEST IMPORT?
"I MEAN, ARE THEY DOING WELL?
"IS IT A MONARCHY THERE?
"I CAN'T SAY I EVEN KNOW.
"IS IT A DEMOCRACY?
WHAT'S GOING ON IN THAILAND?"
AND HE'S LIKE,
"THAILAND?"
WE'RE IN A THAI RESTAURANT.
EVERYONE THERE IS THAI.
HE'S LIKE,
"THAILAND?"
[affects Scottish accent]
"WELL, LET'S SEE.
"YOU CAN FUCK A CHILD
FOR FIVE BUCKS.
"SO IT'S PROBABLY
NOT DOING WELL.
"THAT'S A GOOD LITMUS TEST.
"IF CHILDREN ARE GETTING FUCKED
FOR THE PRICE OF A PINT,
IT'S PROBABLY NOT
A GOOD PLACE TO BE."
AND I WAS LIKE,
MENTAL NOTE:
HE'S NOT MY FATHER-IN-LAW.
– [giggling]
HERE WE ARE.
– OTTAWA, BRO.
– OUR OLD FUCKING
STOMPING GROUNDS, EH?
– GLADSTONE, WE USED TO LIVE
AT ELGIN AND GLADSTONE.
– OUR FIRST PLACE
RIGHT DOWN THERE, EH?
– RIGHT FRESH OUT OF THE MOM
AND POP'S PLACE, EH, RIGHT?
– OH, FUCK.
AND WE'RE GONNA BE MEETING
OUR OLD BUDDIES TONIGHT,
AND I GOT TO SAY, EVERY TIME
I MEET OUR OLD BUDDIES
FROM HIGH SCHOOL
BACK IN THE DAY,
I CANNOT BELIEVE
THEIR FUCKING ACCENT, EH?
– HOLY FUCK, EH?
CHEESER, CHEESER ESPECIALLY.
– OH, CHEESER'S GOT
THE MOST BRUTAL–
– I CAN BARELY FUCKING
UNDERSTAND HIM.
– HE SOUNDS LIKE
A WEIRD LEPRECHAUN FUCK.
AND, UH, OUR BUDDIES,
OUR BRETHREN, OUR PEOPLE
SAY FUCK AT THE END
OF EVERY SENTENCE,
INCLUDING PLAYING FRISBEE.
THEY'LL GO, "MM, FUCK.
MM, FUCK."
OR IF THEY'RE TAKING A SHIT,
THEY'LL BE LIKE,
"EH, FUCK."
[laughter]
EVEN, LIKE, IF YOU'RE
AT THE E.R. IN OTTAWA
AND YOU'RE GETTING STITCHES,
THE SURGEON,
THE DOCTOR WHO'S STITCHING UP
IS LIKE, "MM, FUCK.
MM, FUCK."
– [laughing]
– THAT'S WHAT
I LOVE ABOUT OTTAWA.
THE MOST–THE MOST–
THE RICHEST,
MOST ERUDITE,
FUCKING EDUCATED ARISTOCRATS
WHO RUN–EVEN THE FUCKING
PRIME MINISTER IS LIKE,
"HEY, HOW'S IT GOING,
FUCK?"
– OH, HE'S A POTTY MOUTH.
OH, HARPER, FUCK?
– OH, SHIT,
FUCKIN' HARPER.
– YOU SHOULD HEAR HIM AFTER
A COUPLE OF MOLSON X, FUCK.
– "YEAH, I GOT TO GO DOWN
TO FUCKING AMERICA THERE,
"THE WHITE HOUSE THERE,
TALK TO THAT BLACK GUY
"ABOUT THE FUCKING–
FUCKING AFGHANISTAN,
"WHAT'S GOING ON WITH
THE TOWELHEADS DOWN THERE.
"FUCK, THAT'S GONNA TAKE
ALL DAY.
"I GOT MY OWN JET, THOUGH.
THAT HELPS OUT.
YOU GOT TO COME ON IT,
GUY."
– FUCK, I'D LOVE TO.
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU
TO ASK ME.
– "OH, FUCK, I'M SORRY.
"I'VE BEEN SO FUCKING BUSY
BEING THE FUCKING PRIME MINISTER
DEALING WITH ALL THIS BULLSHIT,
FUCK."
– I FUCKING IMAGINE YOU ARE,
BUT FUCK, DUDE!
– "I'M SORRY, GUY.
"I'M GONNA BUY YOU
A FUCKING BEER RIGHT NOW.
"I'M THE WORST–
I'M A GOOD PRIME MINISTER,
"I'M A SHITTY FUCKING FRIEND.
I'LL SAY THAT RIGHT NOW."
HOW YOU DOING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?
YEAH.
[audience cheering]
I'M THE UNKNOWN WRESTLER.
IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK
IN CANADA.
BIT OF A SAD DAY TODAY.
CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE DIED
OF AIDS TODAY.
BUT IT'S ALWAYS SAD
WHEN THE PERSON YOU GIVE AIDS TO
DIES BEFORE YOU DO.
[bell dings]
HEY, YEAH!
UH, I DON'T HAVE A SET.
GOING THROUGH
A PRETTY ROUGH DIVORCE.
MY CONTRACT FOR THIS BOOK SAYS
THAT I HAVE TO DO THESE THINGS,
BUT I DON'T HAVE TO SAY
ANYTHING WHEN I GET HERE.
SO…
JUST GONNA SIT HERE FOR
A LITTLE BIT AND WAIT IT OUT.
[laughter]
WE'VE GOT ABOUT AN HOUR.
YOU CAN LOOK AT ME,
NOT LOOK AT ME.
IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
NOT LIKE AN ARISTOCRAT
WHO SAYS, "DON'T LOOK AT ME."
YOU KNOW,
THE HELP CAN'T LOOK AT THEM?
I'M NOT LIKE THAT.
CHECK YOUR PHONES.
LET'S JUST
FUCKING GET THROUGH IT.
INSTAGRAM,
WHATEVER YOU FUCKING WANT.
I LIKE THESE NOTES
FOR, UH, THE SET.
"AIDS, OCCUPY OTTAWA."
[laughs]
"TERRY FOX, HITLER."
[chuckles]
IT'S LIKE–THAT'S MY ROLODEX
WHEN I JERK OFF.
[chuckles]
TERRY FOX AND HITLER.
TOMATO,
TO-MAH-TO.
DO YOU EVER–BY THE WAY,
DO YOU EVER RUN,
AND YOU GO, "THIS IS EASIER
THAN NORMAL RUNNING?"
NOT TO SHIT ON HIM.
OR DO YOU EVER DO THIS?
WHEN YOU SEE SOMEONE WHO'S
KIND OF A LITTLE BIT CRIPPLED,
YOU GO, "COME ON.
"IF I CAN DO A LIMP,
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST FUCKING
STRAIGHTEN IT OUT?"
LIKE, PEOPLE
WITH ORTHOPEDIC LEGS,
YOU SEE THEM–
THEY SORT OF START GOING,
"OH, I THINK I CAN DO THIS,"
AND THEY'RE SORT OF LIKE,
"HI.
I HAVE NOTHING BELOW MY THIGHS,
BUT CHECK THIS OUT."
AND YOU GO,
"THAT'S GOOD."
I SAW A FUCKING LAZY GIMP
THE OTHER DAY
THAT WAS JUST SORT OF GOING…
FUCKING STRAIGHTEN IT OUT.
COME ON.
AND YOU KNOW WHY THEY DO THAT?
'CAUSE NO ONE HAS THE BALLS
TO GO, "HEY, MAN,
"YOU NEED A COACH.
"I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A PEP TALK.
"FUCKING STRAIGHTEN IT OUT.
"EVEN IF YOU WALK
A LITTLE SLOWER…
OH, FUCK."
PROBABLY KILLS,
ACTUALLY,
TO UNBEND
YOUR CEREBRAL PALSY LEGS.
THAT'S A HORRIBLE JOKE.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM
WITH NOT DOING A SET.
IF YOU'RE SITTING
WITH A PEN AND PAPER,
YOU GO,
"THAT'S STUPID."
BUT WHEN YOUR MOUTH
IS YOUR PEN, YOU GO,
"PEOPLE WITH CEREBRAL PALSY
ARE LAZY.
WHAT ELSE YOU GOT,
BRAIN?"
LIKE, DOES ANYONE REALLY
NOT LIKE GAYS?
LET'S CUT THE SHIT HERE.
"HEY, THIS IS MARK, HE'S–
OH, YOU LIKE THE SENATORS?
"OH, COOL, YEAH, YEAH.
[chuckles]
OH, WE HAD A GREAT TIME.
YEAH, HE WAS REALLY FUNNY."
"HE'S GAY."
"WHAT?
"FUCK.
"I HAD AN AWESOME CONVO
WITH THAT GUY.
NOW I HATE HIS GUTS."
I NOTICED YOU–
WHEN YOU MOVE TO AMERICA,
WHICH WAS FOUNDED BY PURITANS,
THEY DON'T SWEAR THAT MUCH.
SO, UH, I'LL GO
TO THESE IMPORTANT MEETINGS
WITH BUSINESSMEN
AND SIT DOWN AT A GIANT TABLE
WITH SUITS AND GO,
"OKAY."
[sighs]
"THIS MERGER IS A REAL FUCKING
COCKSUCKER, YOU GUYS.
"THESE GUYS ARE SWINGING THEIR
FUCKING DICKS BACK AND FORTH
"LIKE ELEPHANT TRUNKS,
"AND THE ONLY WAY
WE'RE GONNA FUCKING DO THIS
"IS BEND THEM OVER
AND FUCK THEM IN THE ASS
"BEFORE THEY CAN FUCK OUR ASSES.
AGREED?"
AND I NOTICE AS I'M TALKING,
IT'S LIKE FIRECRACKERS
ARE GOING OFF.
I CAN SEE THEM GOING…
THEY DON'T EVEN SAY "CUNT."
"CUNT" IS LIKE,
"THAT SUCKED,"
LIKE,
"THAT WAS A REAL CUNT
TO GET THAT LUGGAGE UP
IN THE OVERHEAD."
"CUNT" IS LIKE
THE N-WORD TO THEM.
I'M NOT SCARED OF THAT WORD.
I'M NOT–
I DON'T LIVE IN FEAR.
I SAY WHAT'S ON MY MIND,
BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN POSITIVITY,
AND I BELIEVE
THAT WORDS DON'T MATTER.
IN FACT, LET'S ALL SAY IT
TOGETHER RIGHT NOW.
NEEE-GAAA…
TIVITY…
IS NOT GONNA BRING ME DOWN!
WAIT,
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I HAVE A FORESKIN,
A BEAUTIFUL FORESKIN
I'M NOT ASHAMED OF.
[person whistles]
YEAH, IT LOOKS LIKE
AN ELEPHANT'S TRUNK,
BUT DICKS ARE NOT KNOWN
FOR THEIR GORGEOUSITY.
WHAT, ARE WE…
AND–AND EVERYONE–
WHEN I SEE MY FRIENDS STILL
GENITALLY MUTILATING THEIR SONS,
I GO, "WHY DID YOU FUCKING
MURDER YOUR BABY?"
AND HE GOES, "OH, I WANT IT
TO LOOK LIKE MINE."
"FOR WHAT?
THE PENIS PHOTO SHOOTS
YOU GUYS ARE DOING TOGETHER?"
"HEY, YOU LIKE MY DICK?
MY SON'S IS SIMILAR."
STEVE'S DAD IS IN THE AUDIENCE,
AND I'M TRYING TO BE
AS OFFENSIVE AS POSSIBLE.
YOUR SON IS A WONDERFUL GUY,
BY THE WAY.
WE'RE HAVING A GREAT TIME.
HIS DICK TASTES DISGUSTING,
BUT THAT'S MY ASS' FAULT.
I LIKE–I LIKE A STORY THAT
STEVE TELLS ME ABOUT HIS DAD
WHERE THEY HAD A PACT
WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG
WHERE, IF YOU SAW THE GUY
AND HE WASN'T LOOKING,
YOU HAD TO TACKLE HIM
INTO A SNOWBANK.
AND, UH, SO THIS WAS AWESOME
IN HIGH SCHOOL
IN ETOBICOKE OR WHEREVER
THE FUCK HIS DAD'S FROM.
AND SO AT 50,
HE SEEMS HIM AT THE AIRPORT,
HIS BUDDY,
AND HE'S IN HALIFAX OR WHEREVER
THE FUCK HE IS, FUCK.
AND HE GOES, "OH, SHIT,
HE DIDN'T FUCKING SEE ME, FUCK.
I'M GONNA NAIL THAT FUCKER."
[makes buzzing sound]
BOOF!
AND HE NAILS THE GUY,
AND THE GUY GOES,
"OH! JESUS."
AND HE GOES,
"FOR FUCK'S SAKES, PAUL!
"WE'RE 50 YEARS OLD!
WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?"
AND PAUL HAD TO GO, "ALL RIGHT,
WELL, I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
MY LUGGAGE IS OVER HERE.
YOU WANT TO GET THE"–
THAT GUY WAS NOT A TRUE HOSER,
BY THE WAY.
WE DON'T RENEGE ON OUR PACTS.
– "THIRD WALL" OR WHATEVER
THE TERM IS…
AND PEOPLE ARE BELIEVING…
– YEAH.
[laughter]
THAT'S WHY…
[laughing]
THAT'S WHY I SAID
YOU SHOULD HAVE…
[laughter]
– OH.
[laughter]
– I KNEW WHAT YOU
WERE UP TO…
– REALLY?
– BEFORE I SMELT IT,
BECAUSE YOU WERE JUST,
LIKE, KIND OF GOING…
[laughter]
– I HAD TO HOLD IT
IN MY ANAL LIP
SO I COULD SET UP THE CAMERA,
AND I COULD FEEL MYSELF
LOSING IT.
IT WAS LIKE–WAS LIKE HOLDING
A PING-PONG BALL IN THE AIR.
I WAS LIKE,
"DON'T GO, DON'T GO."
– [chuckles]
– OH, THANKS FOR NOT WINDING
DOWN THE WINDOWS BY THE WAY.
[laughter]
I APPRECIATE THAT.
IT WAS A LOT–
NO, DUDE!
AW.
NO, THAT'S MY BEST WORK.
– YOU HAVE ONE MINUTE TO–
– YEAH,
ONE MINUTE-GRACE PERIOD–
EVERYONE HAS
TO ENDURE THE FART–
THEN YOU CAN WIND DOWN
THE WINDOWS.
– ENJOY.
WELL, WE WORK THE LINE
BETWEEN ENDURE AND ENJOY.
[laughter]
IT'S LIKE–IT'S LIKE
THOSE SOUR CANDIES
OR WHATEVER.
[laughter]
THESE GUYS OVER HERE,
THEY GOT THEMSELVES A FANCY CAR.
THEY CAN'T ENJOY
THEIR OWN FARTS.
HEY, GUYS, NICE CAR.
– THANKS, MAN.
– DO YOU SEE A PROBLEM HERE
AT ALL?
– NO.
– YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE ABLE
TO ENJOY YOUR OWN FARTS.
YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?
EVERY TIME YOU HAVE A FART,
NO MATTER HOW BEAUTIFUL IT IS,
IT'S JUST GONNA DISAPPEAR
OUT THE BACK.
WE'VE BEEN HAVING
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL FARTS
OF OUR LIVES IN THERE,
ENJOYING THEM FOR HOURS.
YOU–YOU CAN'T EVEN
SMELL ANYTHING.
YOU–IF YOU HAVE AN SBD,
YOU WON'T EVEN BE ABLE
TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
YOU'LL HAVE TO TELL THE GUY,
"HEY, I JUST HAD A SILENT ONE."
YOU FUCKED UP.
IT'S A BAD PURCHASE, LADS.
EASY ON THE EYES,
NOT SO EASY ON THE NOSE.
[engine purring]
– I WILL, UH–
YEAH, NO, WE'LL STAY IN TOUCH,
OBVIOUSLY,
AND IF YOU GUYS WANT ME
TO SEND THOSE FILES,
UH, THAT WE'RE WORKING ON,
I CAN.
AND OTHERWISE…
YEAH.
– YEAH.
– OKAY.
– OKAY.
– FUCK!
– WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
OKAY, LOOK,
EVERYONE'S–
– I'M HUNG-OVER,
AND I HAD NO–
– FIRST OF ALL,
EVERYONE'S RESPONSIBLE
FOR THEIR OWN DECISIONS,
OKAY?
SECONDLY…
– YEAH.
– THIS IS ONLY A FUCK-UP IF
YOU'RE TWIDDLING YOUR THUMBS
AFTER YOU GET BACK,
YOU KNOW?
IT'S JUST ANOTHER GIG,
ANOTHER JOB.
IT'S LIKE A FARMER.
– DUDE, I DON'T KNOW HOW…
– I DON'T WANT TO FOLLOW HIM
IN THERE.
– WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?
– I DON'T WANT TO GET COFFEE
WITH HIM.
STEVE'S PISSED BECAUSE
HE WAS WORKING WITH A BAND,
HE'S PRODUCING THEIR ALBUM,
THIS TOUR GOT IN THE WAY,
AND NOW THEY'RE WORKING
WITH HIS ARCHENEMY,
THIS DOUCHEBAG,
UH…
AND IT COULD BE PRETTY SERIOUS,
I'M REALIZING,
BECAUSE NOW THEY HAVE A
RELATIONSHIP WITH THAT PRODUCER,
AND WHY EVER LEAVE HIM?
SO IT'S SORT OF LIKE,
YOU KNOW,
LOSING A CLIENT FOREVER.
THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY
WE JUST COST HIM.
THIS TOUR JUST GOT
REAL EXPENSIVE.
[indistinct conversation]
– WHAT'S UP, MAN?
– HEY, BRO.
– WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
– I FUCKING SUPPORT GAVIN.
I MEAN, I WANT HIM–
I THINK HE'S GENIUS,
AND I WANT, YOU KNOW,
TO HAVE THE WORLD TO HEAR HIS…
RIDICULOUS RAUNCHINESS.
I THINK IT'S GREAT,
BUT AT–
NOT AT THE EXPENSE
OF MY PROFESSIONALISM,
WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.
[applause]
– WHOO!
– WHOO-OOH!
– SO I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR,
YOU KNOW, THE LONGEST TIME…
AND…
I THINK A LOT OF IT'S
KIND OF TRUE…
[speaking inaudibly]
[speaking inaudibly]
I DON'T WANT TO DISPARAGE
THE MEDIA…
[speaking inaudibly]
[audience laughing]
– CAN'T HEAR YOU,
ASSHOLE.
– I WAS JUST TALKING
ABOUT HOW,
I MEAN, THIS IS,
LIKE, INTUITIVE,
AND IT'S A LOT EASIER THAN
COMEDIANS MAKE IT OUT TO BE.
KIND OF GET A DICK VIBE
FROM COMEDIANS SOMETIMES,
'CAUSE I'M NOT A COMEDIAN.
I'M JUST HILARIOUS.
SO I GO
TO THEIR FUCKING GAY THINGS,
AND I GO, "YEAH,
I'LL GET ONSTAGE AND SLAY."
AND THEY'RE,
LIKE, SHORT BALD DUDES
WHO'VE NEVER BEEN LAID,
AND THEY GO,
"IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY HARD."
ONLY THING THAT'S HARD
IS MY FUCKING COCK, DUDE.
AND I'M GONNA FUCK EVERYONE
IN THE FUNNY BONE WITH IT.
YOU KNOW THE PROBLEM WITH BEING
ADDICTED TO ALCOHOL IS,
IF YOU'RE DOING A STORY,
YOU HAVE TO STOP THE STORY
ALL THE TIME AND GO…
AND PEOPLE ARE GOING,
"I PAID MONEY, DUDE,
TO SIT DOWN AND SEE THE THING."
YOU DON'T–YOU'RE NOT WATCHING
A MOVIE AND THEY GO,
"WELL, WHERE'S–
WHERE'S THE BODY?
WELL, THEN WE NEED…'
"YEAH.
DID, UH–ARE THERE ANY SHELL
CASINGS FROM THE–HOLD ON."
"MAYBE IF BATMAN COMES,
UH, HE COULD GET THE GUY.
"DID YOU SHINE THE BAT SIGNAL?
"YOU SHOULD.
"WE'RE IN FUCKING GOTHAM.
WE DON'T HAVE TO DO SHIT."
THIS IS A THEORY THAT
I DON'T HAVE ANY EVIDENCE FOR,
BUT HAVE YOU NOTICED,
AS MEN,
WINE MAKES YOUR IQ PLUMMET?
LIKE, YOU'LL HAVE ONE RED WINE
AND YOU'LL GO,
"WE WERE THERE–
IT WAS LIKE–OH, MY GOD.
"UH, IT WAS A TOWN.
"IT WAS, LIKE, A FRENCH TOWN.
"UH, PARIS?
PARIS.
"AND THERE WAS A GUY RUNNING
AROUND, LIKE, HE WAS LIKE,
"'OH, I'M YOU,
BUT I'M OLD.
"I LOOK LIKE YOU WITH AIDS.'
"UH, UH…
"OH, MY DAD.
"UH, MY DAD WAS IN PARIS,
"AND HE'S WITH THIS FAT CHICK,
"AND HE WAS ALL LIKE,
'NO, I'M DRUNK.'
"OH, MY MOM.
"I WAS JUST IN PARIS
WITH MY PARENTS.
WAIT,
WHAT'S THE STORY?"
AND YOU GO, "I'M NEVER DRINKING
THIS AGAIN."
CANADIAN CULTURE
IS SCOTCH-IRISH CULTURE.
[ice cube clanking loudly]
OH, NICE TOAST.
I LIKE THAT.
PERFECT TIMING.
DING-TITTLE-LING-TING-TING!
AH.
THAT'S LIKE THE NEW BAGPIPES.
[with Scottish accent] FUCKING
SCOTLAND FOREVER, AM I RIGHT?
PING-TITTLE-LING-TING-TING!
TO THE DEATH.
AND SCOTCH-IRISH CULTURE
IS DRUNK,
SO WE DON'T HAVE
ANY FUCKING FILTER.
LIKE, WE GO INTO–
WE MEET A GUY,
THE ELEPHANT MAN,
AND, JUST LIKE A SCOTSMAN,
GO…
[with Scottish accent] "WHAT
THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU, PAL?
"DID YOU GET HIT BY A BUS?
"YOUR FUCKING FACE IS DESTROYED.
THEY SHOULD CALL YOU
THE FUCKING ELEPHANT MAN."
"YOU KNOW WHAT IS INSANE?
THEY FUCKING DO."
"WELL, THAT'S APT.
YOU'RE FUCKING EPONYMOUS,
BY THE WAY."
AND CANADIANS ARE THE SAME WAY.
"OH, FUCK, GUY.
"YOU GOT, LIKE,
A SERIOUS BURN THERE.
WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED THERE?"
"UH, I WAS IN A CIVIL WAR.
"I'M FROM THE CONGO,
AND A DESPOT BURNT MY FACE OFF."
"HOLY FUCK.
WHAT'S ALL THAT ABOUT?"
"I MEAN, IT'S A LONG STORY.
"THERE'S DRUG LORDS,
"AND THEY'RE COMPETING
FOR NATURAL RESOURCES,
BUT MY–
MY FAMILY WAS KILLED."
"OH, MY FUCKING GOD.
"THIS GUY NEEDS A BEER
RIGHT NOW.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?
"ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
"I'M GETTING YOU
A FUCKING 2-4.
"YOU STAY HERE. I'M GOING
TO THE FUCKING BEER STORE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?"
"UH, BUMBUM BOOBA."
[chuckling]
"HOLD ON A SEC.
"I FEEL BAD ABOUT THE BURN.
"YOUR FUCKING FIRST NAME'S
BUMBUM?
"DUDE, YOU GOT TO CHANGE
YOUR NAME TO CRAIG OR SOME SHIT,
'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA GET
FUCKING WEDGIED EVERY NIGHT."
YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT A LOT RECENTLY?
NATURE VERSUS NURTURE.
[sniffs]
EVERY SINGLE CONFLICT GOES BACK
TO NATURE VERSUS NURTURE.
CATHOLICS VERSUS PROTESTANTS.
CATHOLICS THINK
THAT THERE'S DEITIES
AND THERE'S PEOPLE,
SAINTS, WHO ARE BETTER,
IN A SENSE, MORE BLESSED
THAN OTHER PEOPLE.
PROTESTANTS DON'T.
DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS.
REPUBLICANS SAY, "LOOK,
SOME PEOPLE ARE BORN BETTER;
LET THEM FLY–
FLOAT TO THE TOP."
DEMOCRATS SAY, "NO, NO,
SOME PEOPLE ARE FORMED
"BY THEIR ENVIRONMENT,
SO GIVE THEM EDUCATION
AND ALL THAT STUFF."
WHEN I STARTED THIS TOUR,
I GO ASK ALL THESE COMEDIANS,
"ARE YOU–CAN YOU LEARN FUNNY?
IS IT SOMETHING
YOU CAN PICK UP?"
ON THE ONE HAND,
I THINK YOU'RE BORN FUNNY.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
I THINK OUR EXPERIENCES
IN HIGH SCHOOL
MADE US WHO WE ARE.
LOOK AT THAT–
EVEN OUR LANGUAGE.
WE INVENTED OUR OWN LANGUAGE,
RIGHT?
REMEMBER?
A TUBE IS WHEN SOMEONE
WANTS TO FIGHT YOU
AND THE PEOPLE GO,
"DUDE, HE'S DOWNSTAIRS.
HE'S COMING UPSTAIRS RIGHT NOW."
AND YOU FEEL,
LIKE, THIS INNER TUBE,
LIKE A BICYCLE INNER TUBE
WITH THE VALVE GOING
INTO YOUR BELLY BUTTON.
– AND IF HE WAS ALREADY
IN THE ROOM,
AND YOU WERE LOOKING OVER
YOUR BUDDY'S SHOULDER,
THE GUY THAT WANTS TO KICK
THE SHIT OUT OF HIM,
YOU'D GO, "OH, DID YOU BUY
NEW SHOES ON A MONDAY?"
– OH, YEAH, THAT'S A GIVEN.
– IMMEDIATELY ALERTING
THE GUY TO SOME FORM OF…
– RIGHT.
– DANGER.
– THAT STARTED BECAUSE
WE DIDN'T WANT TO OGLE CHICKS,
SO WHEN A PRETTY GIRL
WALKED BY,
WE NOTICED WE WERE JUST GOING,
"WHAT THE FUCK?"
SO WE THOUGHT–
WE WANT TO SEEM COOL,
SO WE'D PRETEND TO BE TALKING
ABOUT SOMETHING.
AND THE GO-TO QUESTION WAS,
"HEY, DID YOU BUY
YOUR SHOES AT THE STORE?"
AND THE OTHER GUY GOING,
"YEAH, YEAH, I GOT THEM
ON MONDAY," BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,
SO WE DIDN'T LOOK FAZED.
BUT, UH, THEN
IT SORT OF BECAME–
IF SOMEONE ASKED YOU IF YOU
BOUGHT YOUR SHOES AT THE STORE,
YOU'D START GOING,
"WHAT'S GOING ON?
IS THERE A HOT CHICK SOMEWHERE,
OR SOMEONE WANTS TO FIGHT ME?"
[both chuckling]
YOU'RE THE SERPENT.
– TSSS…
– HAS TO SAY "TSS" AFTER EVERY
TIME YOU CALL HIM THE SERPENT.
I'M G-STRING.
BOI-YOI-YOING.
AND THEN ERIC WAS BUBBLES.
AND HE'D HAVE TO GO…
[makes bubbling sound]
SO YOU'D BE IN A FIGHT,
LIKE, "DUDE, WE CAN'T GO THERE
WITHOUT GAS MONEY.
FUCKING SERPENT,
THINK ABOUT IT."
– "TSS, IF YOU HADN'T SPENT
IT ALL
"ON THAT HASH THAT
THAT FUCKING DOG RIPPED OFF.
FUCKING G-STRING.
NICE WAY TO GO."
– "BOI-YOI-YOING.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT BUBBLES?
HE COULD HAVE DONE"–
AND THEN HE'D HAVE TO GO…
"BLOOP-BLOOP-BLOOP,
DON'T BRING ME INTO THIS SHIT."
YOU'D BE FIGHTING–
YOU KNEW IT WAS A BIG FIGHT
WHEN YOU JUST HEAR, LIKE,
"TSS, BOI-YOI-YOING,
BLOOP-BLOOP-BLOOP"
AGAIN AND AGAIN.
OH, REMEMBER THAT TIME WE
WERE WALKING DOWN THE HIGHWAY?
WE WERE IN, LIKE,
NEPEAN OR SOMETHING.
WE'RE WALKING SUPER FAR.
AND YOU–THESE CARS
ARE GOING, "VROOM, VROOM."
AND I GO…
– OH, FUCK, DUDE.
– HOW MUCH OF A TRIP
WOULD IT BE…
– DON'T FUCKING TELL THIS STORY,
MAN.
– IF YOU THREW…
– YOU ALWAYS DO THIS.
– SOMETHING
AT ONE OF THESE CARS?
– HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE YOU PISSED ME OFF?
WE'RE NOT USING THIS.
TURN IT OFF.
– HE THREW A CINDER BLOCK
AT A MOVING CAR.
– HOW ABOUT ANOTHER THING
WE MADE UP IN HIGH SCHOOL?
THE CARDBOARD GUY.
YEAH, WE HAD A GREAT TIME
LAST NIGHT WITH GAV,
BUT WE WERE THE CARDBOARD GUY,
'CAUSE YOU FUCKING USED US
AS PROPS AND WHATEVER,
TOLD WHOEVER WHATEVER,
MADE US LOOK LIKE SHIT.
YOU'VE TOLD THIS STORY
SO MANY FUCKING TIMES.
I…
– I'VE NEVER HEARD
THE CARDBOARD GUY.
YOU GUYS WOULD SAY
THAT YOU WERE THE CARDBOARD GUY
WHEN YOU WENT OUT WITH ME?
– YEAH, THE NEXT DAY.
WE WOULD TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH
YOU USED US AT OUR–
WE WERE USED
AS YOUR FUCKING PROPS
TO GET LAID OR TO GET OUT
OF A FIGHT OR WHATEVER.
– SO YOU HAD PROPS?
[laughing] THAT'S WHAT–
PEOPLE SAID I HAD PROPS.
THEY WERE YOU GUYS.
[laughs]
"HEY, MAN, PROPS."
"YEAH, THEY'RE RIGHT HERE.
CARDBOARD GUY 1,
CARDBOARD GUY 2."
NO, BUT HE THREW A FUCKING
CINDER BLOCK AT THE CAR.
AND IT WAS FULL OF JOCKS.
WE RAN INTO THE FOREST
'CAUSE THEY CHASED US.
– IT'S NOT FUNNY.
IT'S ATTEMPTED MURDER.
THAT'S HILARIOUS FOR ME.
I TRIED TO KILL SOMEONE.
OOH, ATTEMPTED MANSLAUGHTER.
FUCK–DUDE–
BRIAN, GET THE FUCKING CAMERA
OFF US, OKAY?
– IT'S NOT ATTEMPTED MURDER,
AND THEY'RE NEVER
GONNA SEE THIS.
IT HAPPENED 20 YEARS AGO.
GOD.
IT'S CALLED PARTYING, DUDE.
CHILL.
[snorts]
– FUCK THE FUCKING CAMERA!
– IS EVERYONE OKAY?
IS EVERYONE SERIOUSLY OKAY?
CAN YOU MOVE YOUR HANDS
AND FINGERS?
– I'M NOT FUCKING OKAY!
– ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I'M SORRY.
– I'M FUCKING OUT OF HERE.
– STEVE…
– WE HAVE TO CALL 911.
– WHERE'S MY FUCKING BAG?
[glass shatters]
FUCK!
– IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
I'M SORRY.
DUDE, DUDE.
CALM DOWN.
RELAX.
– YOU FUCKING GET THE FUCK AWAY
FROM ME.
– WHERE ARE YOU GONNA GO?
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.
DO YOU HAVE YOUR PHONE?
– LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TIME FOR THE MAIN EVENT.
GOT A REAL SUPERSTAR
COMING TO THE STAGE.
– WHOO!
– YOU REMEMBER HIM
FROM ANIMAL HOUSE.
THE DONALD SUTHERLAND
WITH AIDS.
[laughter]
– WOW.
– GETTING THAT A LOT.
UH…
DONALD SUTHERLAND
DOESN'T HAVE AIDS.
WOULD IT BE FUNNY
IF THAT JOKE OFFENDED ME SO MUCH
THAT I COULDN'T DO THE SET?
AND I JUST HAD TO STOP IT.
"I'M SORRY.
I GOT TO GO."
THAT HAPPENED IN MONTREAL,
ACTUALLY.
SOME GUY–
FRENCH PEOPLE DON'T HAVE
A LOT OF STANDARDS
WHEN IT COMES TO FUNNY.
SO THERE WAS THIS DUDE
WHO WAS ONE OF THE BIGGEST
COMEDIANS IN QUEBEC,
AND HIS THING WAS,
HE'D MAKE FUNNY FACES,
AND HE'D SIT AT A DRUM KIT
THAT WASN'T THERE,
AND THEN THEY'D PLAY
A DRUM SOLO,
AND HE'D JUST GO…
AND FRENCH PEOPLE WOULD LAUGH
THEIR HEADS OFF.
AND THEN HE WENT INTO
A DEEP DEPRESSION, AND, UH…
THE–THIS ISN'T A JOKE,
BY THE WAY.
THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
AND THEN THEY DID JUST POIRIER,
AND THEN HE CAME BACK.
HE'D BEEN AWAY FOR FIVE YEARS,
AND EVERYONE'S ALL EXCITED.
THEN HE GOT OUT,
AND HE LOOKED AT THE CROWD,
AND HE WENT…
[sighs]
"I CAN'T DO THIS.
I'M REALLY SORRY, YOU KNOW,
BUT I CAN'T DO THIS."
HE JUST GOT OFF THE STAGE.
LIKE, PEOPLE LOOKED AT–
"DO I GET MY MONEY BACK?"
THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT TO DO.
IT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
THAT'D BE FUNNY
IF I DID THAT RIGHT NOW.
WE'VE BEEN TOURING.
I JUST FLIPPED MY CAR.
HAD A CAR ACCIDENT.
THAT'S ALSO NOT A JOKE.
I'M NOT DOING ANY JOKES,
BY THE WAY.
LOST A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE.
UH, MY ONLY PROBLEM WITH WOMEN
BREAST-FEEDING IN PUBLIC IS,
THEY NEVER WINK BACK.
UH…
AND WHEN I SAY LOST,
HE GOT MAD AND STORMED OFF.
IN HIS DEFENSE,
I HAD BEEN GOING LIKE,
"WHOA, WHOA,
OOH, WE'RE GONNA CRASH.
"WHOA.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
WHOA."
AND THERE WAS A LOT OF, LIKE,
"DUDE, DUDE."
AND THEN I DID A LOT OF THOSE,
"OH, DUDE, DUDE, I'M BORING."
AND THEN…
[imitates crashing]
AND I GUESS THAT'S,
LIKE, ATTEMPTED MURDER, RIGHT?
LIKE, YOU TRIED
TO KILL SOMEBODY.
AND I GET THAT SOMEONE
WOULD BE MAD AT THAT.
DON'T TRY TO MURDER ME.
THAT'S ONE OF MY RULES TOO.
I GOT FUCKED
WITH ONE OF MY OWN RULES.
SO HE'S GONE.
OH, YEAH, THIS IS IT.
OKAY, WE'RE HERE
AT STEVE'S HOUSE
TO PICK HIM UP
FOR THE REST OF THE TOUR.
WE HAD A BIT OF A FIGHT
LAST NIGHT,
AND I'M, UH…
I'M GONNA CONVINCE HIM
TO COME–
OOPS.
I'M GOING TO CONVINCE HIM
TO COME TO NEW YORK
FOR THE…
THE BIG, UH,
GRAND FINALE TONIGHT.
SO HE'S PROBABLY NOT
GONNA WANT ME TO FILM,
BUT MAYBE IF YOU JUST SORT
OF SNUCK OUT THE SIDE
AND SHOT OVER THE TOP
OR SOMETHING.
[doorbell ringing]
[knocking on door]
STEVE?
STEVE?
[knocking on door]
HEY, MAN, I'M NOT GONNA GO
UNTIL WE TALK ABOUT THIS.
[door unlatching]
– HEY, MAN.
– HEY.
AGAIN, I'M REALLY FUCKING SORRY
ABOUT LAST NIGHT.
THAT WAS REALLY STUPID.
I PUT EVERYONE'S LIFE
IN DANGER,
AND I WANT TO APOLOGIZE.
– YEAH, WELL, THANK YOU.
UM, YEAH, YOU ALMOST
FUCKING KILLED US
'CAUSE YOU WERE ACTING
LIKE AN IDIOT.
I MEAN, IT'S JUST, LIKE,
UH…
I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S HARD–
IT'S HARD FOR ME TO…
LOOK AT YOU RIGHT NOW.
– WELL, THAT'S PROBLEMATIC,
BECAUSE THE NEXT THING
I WAS GONNA SAY IS,
LET'S KEEP GOING.
LET'S–WE HAVE ONE MORE NIGHT.
ONE MORE NIGHT ON THE TOUR.
– YOU'RE KIDDING,
RIGHT?
LIKE, DO YOU REALLY THINK–
LIKE, WAS I KIDDING LAST NIGHT
WHEN I FUCKING HITCHHIKED HOME?
NOW YOU'RE JUST
GONNA ARRIVE HERE
AND I'LL BE LIKE,
"OKAY, LET'S…"
– I GET THAT.
– "LET'S GET IN THE CAR
AND FUCKING GO."
– BUT IN HIGH SCHOOL,
WE WERE KIDS.
WHEN WE DID BOBSHAKES,
WE SAID NO MATTER WHAT,
AND WE MEANT IT.
WE TALKED ABOUT
IF WE'RE OLD AND GRAY–
– DUDE, WOULD YOU–
LIKE, LOSE THAT SHIT, MAN.
LOSE THAT SHIT.
WAKE UP, OKAY?
LAST NIGHT I WOKE UP.
I GOT–ON THIS TOUR,
I LOST A BUNCH OF MONEY,
A HUGE GIG,
I ALMOST FUCKING DIED,
ALL BECAUSE OF A BOBSHAKE,
AND NOW THAT'S THE ARGUMENT
FOR WHY I SHOULD COME
AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.
– THE ARGUMENT IS,
ALL THAT SHIT MATTERS.
WE MADE PROMISES–ALL THAT STUFF
WHEN YOU'RE A KID.
– NO, THE ARGUMENT IS ACTUALLY,
ALL THAT SHIT
DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER,
AND IF YOU DO FOLLOW THROUGH
WITH THAT SHIT,
THEN YOU FUCK YOUR LIFE UP.
YOU THINK YOU'RE
GONNA DROP EVERYTHING.
YOU'VE GOT A WIFE AND KIDS.
– YEAH, I WOULD;
I WOULD WORK IT OUT
'CAUSE WE HAVE A PACT.
ALL THAT SHIT MATTERS.
ALL THAT STUFF YOU SAY
WHEN YOU'RE A KID MATTERS.
– DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER NOW,
MAN.
DUDE, I CAME HOME TO SO MANY
BILLS, A FUCKING MORTGAGE,
AND NO ACTUAL GIG
THAT WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE THE NEXT MONTH.
THAT SHIT MATTERS,
OKAY?
I DON'T FEEL LIKE JUMPING
IN THE CAR
– NO, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
– AND GOING
ON YOUR ASSHOLE ROAD TRIP.
– THAT'S STUFF
YOU CAN WORK AROUND.
– IT'S JUST MONEY AND SHIT?
– AND PROMISES AND CHARACTER
AND YOUR WORD.
– DUDE, MAYBE THAT'S WHY–
NO, I–
YOU'RE CHASING SOME KIND
OF THING
THAT YOU LOST SOMEWHERE
ALONG THE WAY,
MAYBE 'CAUSE YOU HAD KIDS
OR SOMETHING.
I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THAT.
– I'VE NEVER–I'VE ALWAYS
BELIEVED IN THAT SHIT.
YOU ALWAYS BELIEVED
IN IT TOO.
YOU ALWAYS BELIEVED
IN BOBSHAKES.
– I HAVE A GOOD ENOUGH LIFE NOW
IF I'M NOT HANGING OUT WITH YOU.
SO FUCK, DUDE.
GOOD LUCK.
I'M–I'M–SEE YOU.
[door closes]
– [sobbing]
LET'S GO.
LET'S GO.
LOOK, WE SAID WHEN SOMETHING WAS
REALLY, REALLY FUCKING FUNNY
LIKE THAT–WHEN WE
WERE LAUGHING AT THOSE FARTS,
THAT WAS CALLED, UH–
WE CALLED THEM "SLAP-MEs."
BECAUSE THE FIRST TIME
WE TRIED HASH,
WE WERE,
YOU KNOW, 14,
AND IT JUST WASN'T TAKING.
YOU KNOW, IT TAKES A FEW TIMES
TO GET IT.
AND, UH, WE WERE ALL SITTING
AROUND THE BACKYARD,
THE WHOLE GANG OF US,
AND THEN I CAN'T REMEMBER
IF IT WAS SKEETER OR ZABO,
BUT SOMEONE JUST SORT OF–
WE ALL STARTED REALIZING,
"HEY, I THINK WE'RE HIGH
FOR THE FIRST TIME, YOU GUYS,"
ALL OF US AT THE SAME TIME
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
AND NO ONE HAD THE COURAGE
TO SAY,
"HEY, ARE YOU–
IS THIS IT?
IS THIS WORKING?"
AND THEN OUT OF THE ABYSS,
OUT OF THE TOTAL
SILENT BLACKNESS,
ONE OF US GOES,
"SLAP ME SOME SKIN, BOBBY."
[laughs]
AND THERE'S NO BOBBY THERE.
AND WE FUCKING DIED.
DIED LAUGHING.
LIKE, FLAT OUT ON THE GROUND,
NO CHAIRS.
JUST NO MUSCLE.
JUST DEAD CADAVERS.
WE WERE TERRI SCHAIVO'ED OUT.
AND, UH…
[giggles]
EVER SINCE THEN–
THIS WAS FUCKING 20 YEARS AGO?
ALMOST 20 YEARS AGO.
AND TO THIS DAY,
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD SAY,
"YEAH, MY DAUGHTER HAD
A LOT OF SLAP-MEs TODAY
BECAUSE IT WAS HER BIRTHDAY
AND WE GOT A MAGICIAN."
AND STEVE SAYS SLAP-MEs
TO THIS DAY.
SO THAT'S BULLSHIT?
HE'S GONNA STOP
SAYING SLAP-MEs?
YOU HEARD HIM SAY SLAP-MEs,
RIGHT, BRIAN?
– WHAT?
– YOU HEARD HIM SAY SLAP-MEs.
– YEAH.
– IS THAT BULLSHIT?
I DON'T THINK IT IS.
IS IT?
MAYBE IT IS.
MAYBE EVERYTHING IS BULLSHIT
AND NOTHING MATTERS
AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE JUST PEOPLE
THAT YOU KILL TIME WITH.
AND ALL THE SHIT
YOU SAY IS, PFFT.
MAYBE THE WHOLE WORLD IS L.A.
MAYBE THE WHOLE WORLD'S
THE MOVIE BUSINESS.
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
THE WHOLE WORLD'S JUST A MOVIE.
IT'S ALL A FUCKING LIE.
– ♪ HAVE YOU SEEN
THE MORNING SHORES ♪
– [grunts]
– ♪ SKIPPING IN THE WAVY ROAR ♪
– I DIDN'T KNOW YOU SMOKED.
– I DON'T.
[coughs]
– UH, LET'S BRING HIM UP.
HE'S BRILLIANT.
HE'S FUCKING–
WHEN I BRING HIM UP,
I WANT YOU TO GO OUT
OF YOUR FUCKING MINDS
WITH ENTHUSIASM.
DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE,
GUYS,
AND, LADIES,
DON'T BE A BITCH.
FUCKING GO NUTS.
LET'S BRING HIM OUT HERE.
GAVIN MCINNES!
LET HIM HEAR IT!
THIS IS HIS NIGHT!
[cheers and applause]
– THERE'S THIS MYTH
THAT YOUR PAST
ARE YOUR FORMATIVE YEARS
AND THEY FORMED YOU
AND THAT'S–
THAT MATTERS,
AND, YOU KNOW,
YOU NEED TO GO HANG OUT
WITH ALL THOSE GUYS AND–
BUT I DON'T THINK
THAT'S NECESSARILY–
NO, I DON'T THINK
IT'S TRUE AT ALL.
I THINK THAT, UH–
I THINK THAT ALL THOSE PACTS
YOU MAKE AS A KID
AND ALL THOSE THINGS YOU SAY–
"WHATEVER, MAN, WE'LL FUCKING–
TO THE DEATH"–
I-I–THAT'S BULLSHIT.
UM, YOU ARE A DIFFERENT PERSON
EVERY TEN YEARS OR SO,
AND ALL THAT SHIT
THAT YOU BELIEVED IN
WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER
IS ALL A LIE.
ALL THE–ALL THE FUNNY TERMS
YOU MADE UP,
WITH ALL THOSE–
LIKE, TALKING ABOUT,
"REMEMBER THAT TIME,"
IT'S JUST–
IT'S SAD.
YOU KNOW, WHAT WE HAVE
IS WHAT WE ARE RIGHT NOW.
AND WHAT I LEARNED
FROM THIS TRIP
IS THAT EVERYTHING
THAT I THOUGHT WAS,
YOU KNOW, PART OF MY WHOLE
BELIEF SYSTEM, UH…
WASN'T TRUE,
YOU KNOW?
UH, I THINK I LEARNED
ON THIS TRIP
THAT BOBSHAKES ARE BULLSHIT.
– OH, YEAH?
[applause]
IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE BULLSHIT
TO ME, BRO.
[cheers and applause]
– THIS IS MY BEST BUDDY,
STEVE!
[cheers and applause]
SINCE HIGH SCHOOL,
WE'RE BEST FRIENDS.
BOBSHAKE.
THAT SHIT MATTERS, MAN.
GET OVER HERE.
[cheers and applause]
THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE THE GUY
WHO BOUGHT HIS SHOES
AT THE STORE.
I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME
FOR SO MANY REASONS,
BUT ALL THIS SHIT ABOUT,
"ARE YOU FUNNY
OR SHOULD FUNNY BE LEARNED
AND ALL THAT STUFF,"
NO, NO, NO, NO.
AFTER ABOUT ONE MINUTE ONSTAGE,
I WENT,
"OH, I GET THIS.
"IF YOU'RE FUNNY,
YOU JUST TELL STORIES.
IF YOU'RE NOT FUNNY,
IT'S PROBABLY REALLY HARD."
WHAT'S IMPORTANT
IS WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON.
WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON
IS ALL YOUR EXPERIENCES,
YOUR–ALL THAT HIGH SCHOOL
STUPID SHIT.
WE CAME UP WITH THIS THING
WHEN WE WERE KIDS
THAT SAID IF YOU BOBSHAKE,
YOU HAVE TO DO IT.
AND THAT SHIT MATTERS.
TO BOBSHAKES.
– YEP.
– AND HOW'S THIS?
AND TO GOING ON ANOTHER TOUR.
– [chuckles]
I'M NOT CHEERSING
TO THAT, BUDDY.
– JUST GIVE IT A CLINK.
– CHEERS BLOCK ON THAT ONE.
– GIVE IT A CLINK.
– I DON'T THINK SO.
– GIVE IT A CLINK.
GIVE IT A CLINK.
GIVE–OH, MY GOD.
– HA-HA-HA-HA.
GOOD TIMES, THOUGH.
– GOOD TIMES, FUCK.
[raucous heavy metal music]
♪ ♪
I JUST THREW UP.
LET'S BOBSHAKE
ON ANOTHER TOUR,
A BRITISH TOUR,
FUCKING ANOTHER COUNTRY,
ANOTHER CONTINENT TOUR.
BOBSHAKE.
BOBSHAKE ON IT.
WAIT.
BOBSHAKE ON ANOTHER TOUR.
BOBSHAKE.
YOU'RE BOBSHAKING
ON ANOTHER TOUR.
I WANT THIS TO BE REAL.
[both laughing]
I WANT IT TO BE CLEAR.
BOBSHAKE.
BOBSHAKE ON ANOTHER TOUR.
YOU'RE AWAKE.
YOU'RE AWAKE.
– I'M BOBSHAKING.
– YOU'RE BOBSHAKING.
YOU'RE MINE.
[laughing]
NO, IT'S NOT CHICKEN.
IT'S NOT A FOOD.
– NO.
– WE'RE BOBSHAKING ON IT.
[ethereal rock music]
♪ ♪
– ♪ I WANT TO MOVE FROM– ♪
– OKAY.
I GOT TO LAY IT DOWN.
BUT YOU CAN'T TELL ANYONE THIS,
ALL RIGHT?
NO COMMENTS ON YOUTUBE
OR ANYTHING.
OKAY, SO THE CAR ACCIDENT
WAS BULLSHIT.
[both grunting wildly]
BUT THE AMAZING THING
ABOUT THIS WHOLE EXPERIMENT
WAS HOW MUCH
WE BAWLED OUR EYES OUT
WHEN WE FAKED THAT BREAK-UP.
LET'S GO.
LET'S GO.
[stifled giggling]
[laughter]
– WHOO!
– OH, MY GOD.
I'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE.
OH, MY GOD.
HOLY SHIT.
– I WAS TOTALLY TEARED UP
IN THERE
WHEN I CLOSED THE DOOR.
– YOU WERE TEARING UP.
[laughter]
– YOUR PERFORMANCE MADE ME CRY.
[laughter]
– ♪ EVERY WEIGHT IS OFF ME ♪
♪ IF I CAN SCALE IT ♪
– LIKE, THIS IS–
THIS IS SURREAL–
– BRIAN'S ALWAYS FILMING ME?
WHY–
– OF COURSE HE'S NOT,
BUT–
IT'S A WAY–IT'S NOT THAT
YOU'RE ACTUALLY ALWAYS FILMING.
IT'S THAT
THIS IS A WAY TO SAY–
– I KNOW.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE, THOUGH.
IF IT'S THAT OBVIOUS
THAT I DON'T–
I'M NOT ON A REALITY SHOW.
WHAT, I'M A GUY
WITH ALL THESE KIDS
AND I JUST HAVE THIS DUDE
HANGING AROUND
FILMING ME AT ALL TIMES?
THAT'S INSANE.
– OKAY, YOU'RE NOT GETTING
WHAT I'M SAYING.
I'M NOT TRYING TO TELL
THE AUDIENCE
THAT THERE'S A GUY
AROUND YOU ALWAYS SHOOTING.
WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO
IS TO CREATE
THAT SURREAL BLEND
BETWEEN REALITY AND NON-REALITY.
– WELL, ALL YOU GOT
WAS THE SURREAL PART
WITHOUT THE BLEND PART.
WHAT ABOUT THIS MAGIC MAN?
– IT'S GONNA BE A SHOCK
FOR US TO REVEAL THE CAMERA
DURING THIS HOLLYWOOD SCENE
WHERE WE SHOULDN'T BE.
OKAY, THE CONCEPT
IS WAY TOO INTENSE AND CRAZY.
– YEAH, IT'S JUST–IT'S RUINING
THIS WHOLE MOVIE EXPERIENCE.

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