Episode 5 – A Sight to Behold Check out our New GAAAWWWBLIN Slayer shirts – Follow Grimmjack and …
*Wind Howling*
Burglar: …Unfocused.
Who else needs to die before you LEARN?!
They took your family!
They took your world!
How will you make them pay?!
What will you take from them?!
Burglar: Hmmm…
HA!!
Baby GS: *Wince of pain*
Burglar: Hahahaha!! THERE it is!
I CAN get something out of you!
Useless boy…
Silent for days…
But HITTING! Hitting works.
A sword is just a useless lump of rock until it is struck!
You want to shape the world?
You want to get revenge?!
Then STRIKE!!
Baby GS: *Hurt noise*
Burglar: SEE!
You weren’t expecting a rock in there, were you?
I wanted to change your face, so I struck it!
What a lovely shade of red~
Awwww, is Baby sad? Does baby want his sister~?
*Master fist bumps Baby GS chest*
Burglar: Well your sister’s dead!
Weak and precious things die when they are not protected!!
Do you want to hear a joke?
What happens when a band of Goblins invades a village filled with unprepared,
untrained, weak farmers, with shoddy defenses, flammable housing,
and a single uninspected cabinet?
They leave behind a JOKE.
Now let’s make sure you have a strong Punchline,
JOKE.
NOW WAKE UP!!
Goblin Slayer: *Grunts*
Goblin Slayer: *Grunts*
Goblin Slayer: *Grunts*
Goblin Slayer: Hmm?
Priestess: *Snoring lightly*
Goblin…
Die…
No… No… Uh-uh…
Goblin Slayer: *Deep Sigh*
Sword Maiden: Finally awake, I see.
You had us scared for a bit, Goblin Slayer.
Luckily, I was here for you.
I was able to ask Iomedae to use True Resurrection to bring you back from the dead.
All it took was a night of rest together…
So how was it, sharing a bed with me?
Goblin Slayer: What about Priestess? …Is she okay?
Oh, her role was minimal.
The ritual required a twenty five thousand gold piece diamond,
which the church provided,
my casting services,
which are always free for you,
…and the presence of a virgin.
Sword Maiden: Sadly… I was not able to fill the last requirement.
It happened when I was quite young.
Not much older than her.
I was alone.
The goblins…
You know what they’re like.
I cried out, asking for someone, anyone to save me…
But no one came.
Gods, it’s pathetic isn’t it?
Someone like me, wielding the power of a god,
limitless riches at my disposal, legions of adoring fans…
And these terrors still haunt me.
I still cry out at night,
terrified to relive that day, still crying out for a hero…
Goblin Slayer…
If I called out to you, screaming in the night,
would you come running?
Goblin Slayer: …Um. I–
Sword Maiden: Just think about it.
It really helped to fall asleep by your side.
Goblin Slayer: Hmmm…
Priestess: *Yawn*
Huh? HUH?!?
*Embarrassed Priestess Noises*
Priestess: D- Did uh… D-D-Did–
Goblin Slayer: Yeah. The ritual worked.
Thank you.
Priestess: Are you sure you're okay?
Any open wounds? Internal bleeding?
Booboo's of any size?
Goblin Slayer: It's fine. I'm fine.
Uh… Are you sure?
You seem quieter than usual…
goblin slayer: I don't know what you're talking about, I'm the–
GOBLIN SLAYER: SAME OL', GOOD OL' GOBLIN SLAYER!!
AND I SLAY
GOOOOOBLINSSSSS!!!!
*Laughter at the misfortune of Goblins*
Elf: Welp, Fifth door’s the charm!
Elf: Ayy! I was right! THERE’S Goblin Slayer!
Dwarf: You two done SLEEPING TOGETHER yet?
I know about True Resurrection, I know what goes down.
Lizard Priest: I was determined to eat your meat,
as a show of respect and to maintain Lizardfolk tradition,
but I was drugged with sleepy cheese and chained to the floor.
Thanks a lot.
You would have made an excellent skeletal warrior, Goblin Slayer,
are you sure you don’t want to reconsider death?
While there are goblins, I got no time to die.
How’s goblin Slayer Junior?
My boy?
My baby boy?
My birdy baby boy?
I fed ‘em a shit ton of seeds, and that bird’s never been fatter.
Also GSJ laid an egg, so you’re a grandpa now.
Sweeeet~
Elf: Speaking of good news, did you hear?
The Hero defeated the Demon Lord!!!
He was like “No, please don’t slay me!”
and the hero was like “Uh, nah.”
and cut him up into a million billion pieces! Haha!
It seems this fulfills our obligations to our clans.
Hooray!!
We’re out of a job! Homeless again!
Aw…
Ahh, the parties they’ll be having in the Five Kings Mountains will be wild enough
to level the Emperor’s Peak!
I’m looking forward to getting blitzed as a hero,
it’ll be a nice change of pace from getting blitzed as, y'know, some dude.
I hope they’ll have cheese!
Lizard Priest: *Laughter*
Dwarf: *Laugh* Oh, You’re not invited.
Lizard Priest: …Wait, what?
Goblin Slayer: AHEM.
I think you’re all forgetting about something.
There’s still Goblins in these sewers that need killing.
And there’s a Goblin Slayer in this room that needs to do that killing!
ERRG!
Priestess: …About that, uhhh…
No time to waste, I already said ERRG.
Priestess: This is an intervention.
Enervation?! I don’t need no negative levels!
No, Intervention. You literally died. It’s time to stop.
We know we can’t stop you for long, so take a day. Rest up.
I don’t wanna!
I DON’T WANNA!!!
Goblin Slayer: I don’t wanna…
I don’t wanna…
Priestess: There there, Goblin Slayer.
We don’t have to slay goblins, We can do other things!
Would fixing up your armor make you feel better?
No…
I dunno…
Maybe…
Okay, we’ll go get your armor fixed up~
MREH!
*Grumpy Goblin Slayer noises*
No! Was that lip?
No attitude Mr. Man, or we’re not going out for treats later.
…I like treats…
Fine.
Blacksmith: You kidding me?
This chain shirt has a hole in it!
It’s supposed to have lots of holes, it’s– it's chain.
Wow, I sure do love that kind of attitude in my store.
You sure do know more
than me.
You want me to fix it or what?
Though…
Now that I think of it…
Maybe you’re better off getting entirely NEW armor instead!
Priestess: Uhh…
Blacksmith: You know we do fittings free of charge~
Blacksmith: You know we do fittings free of charge~
Wait– Um– UHH–
Goblin Slayer: Oh you do fittings?! Perfect!!!
Blacksmith: WAIT– What the fuck!
WHY YOU UNDRESSING HERE!?
Goblin Slayer: Saves time. NOW GET TO IT!
I want you to memorize every inch of me…
Blacksmith: No– DON’T JUMP OVER THE COUNTER– WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Goblin Slayer: YOU CAN’T MEASURE THE SHIT OUT OF ME ALL THE WAY OVER THERE!!
FIT ME!! GIVE ME MY FREE FITTING!!!!!
Blacksmith: NO!! OH MY GOD MY EYES!!
Ice Screamsman: Hey kids~!
Who wants to taste some ice cream~?
Kid: *Unearthly scream*
Kid: ICE CREAM!!!!
Goblin Slayer: Iced… Scream??
Do they like scream at ice and eat it??
If that's how they do it, you'd be a pro!
WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT!?
C’mon Goblin Slayer! Let’s go!
What’s gotten into you?
You’re acting like a child.
Like those goblin-sized adults over there.
Priestess: You mean the children?
GS: That's what I said.
Well I AM only 15, so I’m gonna eat some!
*Happy Priestess Laughter*
…15, what the fuck…?
Priestess: Gimme one with 2 scoops! And Sprinkles!
And a cherry! And a bowl!
I’m gonna EAT that bowl!
Ice Screamsan: Way past chill!
Let me tell you guys the story of Ice Cream!
GS: No.
Ice Screamsman: There once was a Scientist!
GS: I said no.
Ice Screamsman: And after that scientist was imprisoned for heresy,
we used his heretical icebox to delight the children of the world!
Would you like to hear a rap about the whole affair?
GS: Please. No. You’ll make me resort to violence.
Ice Screamsman: Yooooooooo~
this is the story all about–
GS: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
*Weapon Impact Sound*
GS: I had to kill that Screamsman.
Wouldn’t stop rapping.
Disgusting.
Priestess: I’m uh… I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself, Goblin Slayer!
You’re branching into new and exciting hobbies.
Goblin Slayer: Like killing annoying people?
Eh, I don’t think it’s gonna stick. I got one love, Priestess.
The Goblins call to me.
What about you?
Priestess: Oh, uhm. You know, adventuring, questing, yadda yadda.
Yadda yadda? You sure that’s everything?
I– I don't know… Well…
Okay, it’s kinda pathetic, but I’ve been terrified of losing you…
Ever since the first day we met, I’ve been afraid to go out adventuring without you.
I don’t know where I’d be if you weren’t there to save me.
Goblin Slayer: …Whaddaya mean? I know where I’d be if it wasn’t for you.
Dead. Bled out in a cave in a sewer, killed by a 20 ft tall goblin.
Lizard Priest woulda picked me dry, and I’d be carrying our gear as a Skeleton Page.
But you? You’re resourceful. Determined!
You’d be fine without me.
Priestess: No I wouldn’t.
If you hadn’t come along that day, I don’t know what would’ve happened to me–
Everyone has dark moments where they need help.
I helped you once, when you really needed it, but you’re not helpless.
What would make you say something like that?
Priestess: Well, Sword Maiden and I were talking, and–
Goblin Slayer: Sword Maiden? Who?
Oh, wait, I remember.
My braid is still wired after I dieded.
Once, when I was a child, my big sister told me that the ground was covered with invisible lava.
I stayed up in the trees like a monkey for weeks on end.
People in the village made fun of me, called me "The Monkey Kid."
“Ewww!! Look at that freaky monkey kid!”
I’d fling rocks at them and screech like a capuchin!!!!
But at the end of the day, The joke was on them.
A nearby volcano erupted and flooded the village.
It’d be real poetic if they hadn’t been killed two weeks earlier by a band of FILTHY goblins.
OH!! Oh Gods! The memories!
I just wanted to comfort you priestess, but the memories!
They’re coming back!
Everything I loved died! AUGH!!
Except for…
Anyways, I’d appreciate if you kept these details private,
I haven’t shared them with anyone else before.
How’s that iced scream, by the way?
Holy wow… Are you okay?
*Iced Scream Betrayal*
*Scared Priestess Noises*
Goblin Slayer: WHAT IS IT!? LAVA?!
I’VE TRAINED MY WHOLE LIFE FOR THIS MOMENT!!
*Bowl Eating Sounds*
*The Symphony of Instant Regret*
Priestess: Mmm~ Tasty!
Goblin Slayer: D- Did you just eat the cardboard bowl?
Priestess: *cough cough* That’s a lot, Goblin Slayer.
Do you wanna go somewhere and talk about it, or–
Lancer: You’re not going anywhere!
Not till I give you a piece of my mind!
You have any idea how long of a carriage ride it is to get here?
Just to deliver some FLOUR?!
Goblin Slayer: The Witch could’ve cast teleport.
It’s how we used to get around.
Lancer: COULD YOU HAVE?!
Witch: Sure…
But…
You’re not…
worth…
the spell slot.
Lancer: Rude!
I’m still charging you for a silver-ranked quest.
You got any Trolls or Dire Barracudas you want me to slay while I’m here?
Goblin Slayer: Nope!
Just needs me that sweet sweet flour.
MMMMM… Love me some flour~
Lancer: Alright, whackjob. It’s your money.
Witch: I am…
Curious, though…
Could you not buy…
Flour here?
Goblin Slayer: How much more I gotta pay you to mind your own business?
Lancer: That’ll be a SECOND silver ranked fee, thank you very much!
Goblin Slayer: Done. Now get outta my water town.
Goblin Slayer: Back at it again in the sewers~
Killin’ some Gawblins~
Dwarf: Well it seems like you’re back to tip top shape, Goblin Slayer.
Elf: Yeah, You're armed to the teeth with a new sword, daggers, and a…
a bag of flour? Why are you carrying that!?
You gonna bake a cake for the goblins!?
Priestess: Don’t address it, he’s been trying to keep it a secret.
Goblin Slayer: Yeah!! Get yer grubby elf ears off my Beesknees!
As far as you’re concerned, my sack doesn’t exist!
Lizard Priest! Are we almost there?
Lizard Priest: Eye!
Priestess: What the WHAT is that?!
A floating Eye!
I mentioned it earlier. I was like “Eye.” You’re welcome.
Elf: Wait, Could this be a BEHOLDER?!
Aw shit, looks like we might be able to slay some big bad evil thing after all!
Dwarf: I dunno… Does it kinda not look…
All there… to you?
Goblin Slayer: Note the central eye.
The pupil moves over the veins on the side.
The eye doesn’t rotate within a socket, but rather, the pupil itself can move freely of the organ.
Priestess: Oh, is that a clue to how we can beat it?
Goblin Slayer: No, it’s just gross. And weird.
Ugh, I hate it. Nasty.
Lizard Priest: Perhaps the beast is friendly.
Take this rock, as an offering of friendship!
HRGH!!
Dwarf: None can possibly resist the siren song of “Rock”.
We’ve got this in the bag.
Dwarf: CENTURIES OF DWARVEN HERITAGE!! SPAT UPON!!
Priestess: Do we even have to be here? It’s not even our job to kill this guy.
Goblin Slayer: You know what? You’re right, Priestess. I guess we can go around–
Elf: Oh no, we’re taking this thing out.
Killing a Beholder comes with HUGE bragging rights.
The hero killed the demon lord, but WE can kill this guy~
Look, I know it’s not the same, but please just let me have this.
Goblin Slayer: FINEEEE.
It’d be a waste to use this on anything but a goblin,
But I guess it’s time…
to bake us a cake~
I’m just gonna pretend that what you said made sense and start shooting at it.
Elf: Your disintegration rays are gonna need to be faster than that if you wanna turn ME to dust!
Dwarf: There there, big guy.
Time for you to enter a DEEP SLUMBER!
Isn’t this thing supposed to be able to cancel magic? I shouldn’t have been able to do that.
Goblin Slayer: *Manic Laughter*
Cake time~
Elf: *Coughing*
Elf: What are you doing? Stop kicking up dust and help!
Dwarf: I get it, you’re using the flour as a smokescreen to blind it!
Goblin Slayer: Both wrong! NOW RUN!
RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIVES!!!
Lizard Priest: Run in! Of course!
Go, weird bone uncle!
Goblin Slayer: Elf, hit one of its eyes.
Priestess, cast protection.
Make sure you don’t mess up or we’ll experience the worst pain imaginable!
Priestess: Okay, here I go!
Earth Mother, it’s me, ya priesty girl.
You know I need some protection right about now, so…
*Priestess Clicking Noises*
Goblin Slayer: Remember when these incantations used to sound like poems?
Goblin Slayer from the past remembers.
Priestess: ProtectiOoOoOoOn!
Goblin Slayer: Here comes the boom…
Lizard Priest: So should I have retrieved my skeletal uncle, orrr…
Dwarf: There was no way we could’ve anticipated that THAT was your plan.
Lizard Priest: Ugh. My Sk-uncle melted to the stone floor.
You guys got a spare sk-uncle?
Goblin Slayer, would you like to die again?
I could use them boooones~
Are we even sure that was a Beholder, because killing a beholder is supposed to be cool!
Like, A WHOLE adventure kinda cool!
Goblin Slayer: Oh, it was supposed to be a challenge?
That– That was supposed to be hard?
Elf: Ugh… Whatever…
Dwarf: That was a Gazer at BEST.
Unless it’s a Beholder that came from a bullshit dimension where everything sucks.
Goblin Slayer: Now a big floating GOBLIN!
THAT would be a challenge…
Elf: … It didn’t even use all 10 of its eye beams…
There were still 9 more…
*Gasp* Maybe it’s got good treasure?
Was it protecting something cool?
Goblin Slayer: A mirror.
Elf: …But maybe BEHIND the mirror, there’s some artifacts, orrrrr…
Dwarf: Just give up, there’s nothing cool here.
Priestess: I dunno, this mirror seems neat to me.
You’re cool, right Mr. Mirror?–
Eugh, gross!! It feels like gelatin!
Goblin Slayer: WHAT WAS THAT?! AHH!!
Dwarf: That– THAT’S GATE!!
AGAIN!
Even the mirror has Gate?
A PERMANENT GATE?!
Does everyone here know Gate but me?!
Elf: This mirror…
It’s make is either ancient or Elven…
It’s probably the only one of it’s kind in the world!
Sick! Cool mirror!
Goblin Slayer: We gotta destroy it.
Elf: COME ON, MAN!!!
Goblin Slayer: Don't use that tone with me, Elf!
This mirror has been compromised– GOBLINATED.
They’re using it to teleport around, LIKE I TOLD YOU EARLIER.
The only thing worse than a goblin…
is a teleporting goblin!
Elf: Hey guys… Speaking of Goblins…
I think I hear goblins.
Lizard Priest: Perhaps they will be friendly– oh wait no…
Yeah, they’re goblins, I forgot.
They must meet a cheeseless fate.
That’s death in case it wasn’t clear.
Elf: So this time we’re gonna fight them TOGETHER, right?
Goblin Slayer: Of course. I studied all their tactics in the last encounter.
I know the only way we can get through this is by working together.
AS A TEAM.
Elf: Wow Goblin Slayer, looks like you really grew as a person–
Goblin Slayer: And when we kill all the goblins together,
we can spit on their corpses and laugh at them together.
LIKE REAL GOBLIN SLAYING MADMEN.
Together. yeah~
*Goblin Running Noises*
*More Goblin Running Noises*
*Yet Additional Goblin Running Noises*
*GOBLIN STOMPING NOISE*
*The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and Goblin Running Noises*
Dwarf: Okay, Elf. This plan is a little more complicated than normal,
so make sure to pay attention.
…Hit ‘em.
We hit ‘em.
Till they die.
Got all that?
*Goblin Dying Noise*
Yeah, I think I get the gist.
Okay, now do that till they all die!
*Glorious cacophony of Goblin Death Ensues*
*Eizouken Reference*
Goblin Slayer: TEAMWORK, YEAH!!
*Disgruntled Midboss Goblin Growl*
Priestess: Uhh… Guys? The big goblin is back…
*Scream of a One-Eyed Goblin*
Goblin Slayer: So… We meet again.
You’re probably disappointed you didn’t kill me when you had the chance,
and if you’re not, you will be.
As much as I’m itching for a rematch, Tiny…
I’d rather make sure you’re put down for good, so…
Lizard Priest, Go!
Right!!
I call upon the strength of those who came before me, whose flesh bolsters my own!
Lend me your Mighty Strength!
*Strength Strength Not Stronk Enough Noises*
O-okay, even with the strength of my ancestors, this is still really heavy–
I can help!
Hrngggggg!!
O-oh. Thank you. So much.
This is totally helping.
Does anyone ELSE want to help–
J- Just me?
Okay…
Goblin Slayer: Now it’s my turn to do my thing!
TO KILL GAWBLIIINNNSS!
*Goblin Dying Sounds*
*Big Goblin Attack Sounds*
Well well, Tiny wants to tango!
*Big Goblin Grunt*
Goblin Slayer: Hey guys~ I found us a new friend to play with~
Okay big boi! Your teamwork vs ours!
*Not Understanding Teamwork Noises*
Goblin Slayer: Uhhh, first rule of teamwork is not to kill your friends, are you new to this?
*Being New To This Noises*
*Teamkilling Fucktard Noises*
Lizard Priest: One… More… Puuush!!!
Lizard Priest: And I couldn’t have done it without you…
…2nd cousin Jimbob, who I summoned earlier when nobody was watching.
Woo!
Priestess: Lizard Priest said I’d be more helpful down here!
Woo!
Goblin Slayer: Yeah! Go team Goblin Slaying Madmen!
Now face the mirror upwards!
Dwarf: Goblin Slayer! Does that mean you’ll tell me your fucking plan before we do it for once?
We point the mirror towards the sky to get our freedom!
No, I guess you won’t. You’re fukkin’ crazy.
Thank Torag I’m JUUUST drunk enough to deal with this bullshit.
Goblin Slayer: Just shoot them rocks up in the air! Do it!!
TEAMWORK!!
Whatever! I’ll wait for the signal, I guess!
*Not Waiting for the Signal Noises*
Goblin Slayer, we gotta go now!
Okay one sec!
*Screams of only being able to count to six now*
Goblin Slayer: Okay, I’m good! Priestess! Do your thing!
Priestess: Right!
OhholylightmystaffisbrightlyshiningHOLYLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!
Oh! I’m guessing that’s the signal! Cuz NO ONE TOLD ME ANYTHING!!
STONE CALL!!
*Goblins Being Blinded Noises*
*Goblin Confusion Noises*
*Goblin Just Realizing Gravity is a Thing Noises*
*Glorious Goblin Death Noises*
*Goblin Slaying Laughter*
Elf: *Coughing*
Auh! Finally! Freedom!
I don’t wanna see another rock ever again.
Dwarf: I’ll assume you’re delirious from combat, or maybe you just have no taste. HMPH.
Lizard Priest: Thank the cheese god that this mirror took all the rubble.
Wouldn’t want to be the person on the other side.
Goblin Slayer: The Goblins in the mirror? Yeah they’re probably dead.
Elf: Goblin Slayer! What you did there…
WAS THE COOLEST THING EVER!
Goblin Slayer: And it was all thanks to MY teamwork.
Elf: You mean ‘our’ teamwork.
Yes!! MY Teamwork!
Yours got me killed. ‘Member that?
…Oh shut up.
*Elven Kick of Pain*
*Shattering of glass*
Goblin Slayer: AH! OH NO MY ASS!
ALL THE POTIONS IN MY ASS EXPLODED!
MY ANUS IS BLEEDING!
OOOHOOOH, YOU BROKE MY ASS!!
Priestess: Um. …I’m out of spells, I can’t heal that…
Elf: Oh, he’ll be fine.
Goblin Slayer: Ugh… Urgh…
OOOOOOOHHH!!
Goblin Slayer: Well, thanks for bringing me back from the dead a second time.
Sword Maiden: Not a problem,
though we are beginning to run out of priceless gems, Goblin Slayer.
The only one we have left is you.
…That was a sword maiden joke.
I know you’re not a diamond.
Cool. I’ll work on dying less I guess.
So, have you finished your business in the sewers or will you be returning?
That’d better be another one of your So-ward Maiden jokes.
…Whatever do you mean?
I’ve known something was fishy the moment I stepped into town,
and it wasn’t the fish or the Iced Screamsmen.
It was the goblins.
Exactly, that’s why I called you–
Hold up there So-ward Missy.
Ma’am.
Sword Ma’am.
Sir.
Goblins don't assassinate women indiscriminately.
Their prey wouldn’t be so lucky as to bleed out in the sewers.
When you told me your acolyte girls bodies were found outside a goblin's den,
I had my suspicions. But it only got worse from there.
Goblins with ships.
Goblins with magical mirrors.
GOBLINS WITH PIRATE ACCENTS!!
This colony was trained by other, more intelligent humanoids.
But someone got rid of those humanoids, and too well.
Cleaned up their tracks.
But who would be powerful and knowledgeable enough to take out a small army
without anyone ever knowing?
Huh?!
HUHH?!?
You know…
I probably should have realized the world’s foremost goblin expert
would have noticed something like that…
I usually don't take thanks, but thank you. Thank you very much~
Sword Maiden: Okay. I MAY have uh…
fibbed.
About how big a threat the goblins were.
There was a cult. One that worshipped the Demon Lord.
They used the mirror and trained the goblins to be their muscle,
sacrificing the girls for the glory of the demon lord.
The thing is, I MAY have also–
Goblin Slayer: Used a trained dire crocodile to systematically destroy the cult
down to its foundations and ate the evidence before I could notice?
WELL I DID NOTICE.
Sword Maiden: Oh, Linda? She’s not trained.
Goblin Slayer: …Who’s Linda, what the fuck?
Sword Maiden: The Dire Crocodile?
She’s my familiar?
I can see through her eyes and control her body whenever I want?
I feel all the same stuff she feels?
…It’s why I take so many baths?
Cuz. Y’know.
Sewers are gross?
Yeah.
Goblin Slayer: Oh. Okay that’s… That’s something else.
How come Priestess knows your favorite bird but doesn’t know you pilot a crocodile?
One never can be too careful with information like that.
The cult certainly didn’t see it coming.
Goblin Slayer: So, did you like, eat them?? As the crocodile?
Wait, didn’t you charge at us in the sewers?
Why did you attack the goblins on the ship if you wanted us to kill them?
WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?
Okay, in order:
One, No I don’t eat people,
Two, I got excited when I saw you and decided it was a good time for a sword maiden prank,
and uhh…
Go on…
Three, I passed out when I saw the goblins and…
Linda took over.
*So-Ward Maiden Flashback Sounds*
*Goblin Laughing Sounds*
Sword Maiden: GOBLINS!! WHAT?!
Okay, I can do this, I got this–
Huuughhhh… I can’t do this!
I don't got this, I–
I DON'T GOT THIS–
*Sword Maiden Fainting Sounds*
*Goblins Being Eaten Sounds*
I told you before about that time long ago… With the goblins…
I’ve been terrified of them ever since.
Even with all this power and fame and money, I can’t get the one thing I truly want…
Peace.
I want to go to sleep ONCE and not relive that day…
I just want to feel safe. And…
I think… You…
I think you could make me feel safe, Goblin Slayer…
Goblin Slayer: …Hm. Pathetic.
A waste of my time.
You can turn into a cult-slaying kaiju monstrosity,
and you ask for my help?
I do my job for the love of killing goblins, sure.
But that’s not the only reason.
I do it because somewhere out there, a nameless village no one will remember,
might get burned to the ground if someone doesn’t step in and kill some filthy goblins before they attack.
So that a family with a name no one will remember gets to see another day with their loved ones.
You have unlimited resources.
You could have asked anyone in the world for help.
You have the God of Justice on speed dial,
and you're trying to guilt me into living with you?
If I'm not out there killing goblins,
some innocent girl might suffer the same fate as you…
or worse.
People might die because you lured us here Sword Maiden,
for your own selfish reasons.
I can’t believe Priestess looks up to you.
GOBLIN SLAYER, WAIT!!
I-I’M SORRY! PLEASE–
Goblin Slayer: Tell you what.
When there are no more goblins left to kill, I’ll kill the ones in your dreams.
Till then… Be someone the priestess can look up to.
She can become so much more than…
This.
Sword Maiden: *Sobbing*
Goblin Slayer: Yeah, I see why you look up to Sword Maiden, Priestess.
She said she’s gonna invent a spell that teleports me into her dreams to kill dream goblins!
Apparently there’s a lot of goblins in there? I dunno.
That doesn’t sound like a thing.
That’s probably not real, Goblin Slayer.
Nope, that’s a thing. Dream Travel, 6th level spell. Look it up.
I am quite excited to return to Droon, my homeland.
Much of my family passed away in a plague that I narrowly avoided in coming here.
Oh my god, I’m so sorry Lizard Priest, are you okay?
Yeah!! This is cause for much celebration!
I can collect their bones and summon them for future adventures!
I must make haste though, if I wish to eat their meat.
Oh… You’re happy for necromancy reasons,
that’s still super evil. I’m opting out of this conversation.
I can’t wait to get home either.
The dwarves make the only kind of beer that can actually get me drunk! Plus…
it doubles as an explosive agent, so that’s cool too…
Anyway,what about the rest of you?
I think I might stick around town for a bit before heading home.
I know the demon lord is dead, but that means his minions are prime quest material.
I wanna get some of that action.
When I have downtime in between killing goblins,
I’m gonna volunteer at the guild.
I wanna get close to Guild Girl and learn her sass secrets.
I’m really shy now, but in time, I’m gonna burn someone so bad that another person in the background will say,
“Oh no she didn’t!”
…That’s the dream.
Okay cool. So we all got stuff going on.
Priestess: Oh, uhm, Goblin Slayer,
if you ever want to talk about what you told me earlier, I’m–
Carriage Driver: OH, DID YOU HEAR? THE HERO KILLED THE DEMON LORD!
Priestess: Yeah, yeah we know. Thanks.
Oh, it’s just really big news to me is all.
Fuck me for trying to be a part of the conversation though, amirite?
God, I’m losing a star for this shit…
Yeah. Yeah you are.
Carriage Driver: Fuck.
Dwarf: You didn’t really say what you had going on, Goblin Slayer.
Probably just more Slaying Goblins though, right?
Elf: *Impression of Goblin Slayer* “While there’s Goblins, I got no time to die
Oops, I died twice”
Geez, are you like that all the time? Even when we’re not around?
Lizard Priest: I’m sure Goblin Slayer is a deep, multifaceted individual, like myself.
Anyway, who’s got more cheeeeese~?
*All except Goblin Slayer laugh*
Goblin Slayer: Well…
If there’s no more Goblin Slaying quests…
Then…
*Nightmares of existential dread and trauma noises*
I guess…
I’ll just go home…
Goblin Slayer: Hey Folks! Good Ol’ Goblin Slayer here!
Everyone’s favorite slayer of GOooooooblinnssssssss.
You’re probably wondering what we did with that mirror!
We threw it away.
It’s at the bottom of the sewers, sucking up poop like nobody’s business.
Anyways! Follow The Schmuck Squad on twitter and twitch.
Also go to their patreon if you want!
Water Town will probably run out of water since the mirror is shooting it into the goblin’s home now.
Everybody wins!
Okay, Byeeeee~

Leave A Comment

Your email address will not be published
*