Jenny Zigrino explains why she always gets stopped by the TSA and dispels a few myths about feminism. (Contains strong language.) Original airdate: …
Hi, guys. Oh, my God.
I'm so happy to be here.
You can't even believe it.
I'm actually really happy
to announce, guys,
that I just lost ten pounds.
– ( cheers and applause )
– Yeah.
Yeah.
An hour ago when I put
these spanx on. Yeah!
Oh, you hear that?
That's the patriarch, okay?
You heard it.
I am really lucky though.
This is, like,
this job is the best job.
And for this job,
I gotta travel all the time.
And this happens to me
all the time.
Happened when I came here.
I had to go to the big
TSA machine, where,
like, you put your hands
at the top,
and they see, like,
your tampons and stuff.
Right? So I had to go through,
and the woman stops me.
She goes, "Excuse me, miss.
We have to stop you.
Your butt set off
the machine."
Yeah. You guys know
what that means.
It means that this ass
is a threat to Homeland
Security, you guys.
Look at it!
Oh, no!
It's so dangerous!
Ugh!
It's coming right for you!
Don't look at it.
Don't look at it.
If you look too deeply,
you'll see your future.
So…
This happens to me every time.
It always happens.
And this is why,
it's 'cause my thighs touch.
That's it. Yeah.
'Cause I'm constantly
marinating down there
all the time.
Ooh.
I see some people
are uncomfortable
with that thought.
Yeah, that's right.
It's like a brisket.
Mmm.
It's got a good 12-hour
marinade going on right now.
( chuckles )
Do you like barbecue?
All right. You're creepy.
I was the creepy one.
That was my fault.
I go home a lot.
I travel a lot back to
Minnesota, where I'm from.
And I have
a little sister there.
She's nine, right?
And when she was younger,
people always assumed
she was my kid.
So they were always like,
"Oh, it's such a shame to have
had a baby so young.
Who's the father?"
And I'm like,
"I don't know. My dad."
And, uh…
Ugh.
I have to be a good
role model for her.
That's my job, right?
So any questions she has
about being a woman,
I answer very honestly.
She was like, "Hey, Jenny,
why do you have hair
on your legs?"
And I was like, "Well, Olivia,
when you get older,
you're gonna get lazy.
Next question."
Right? She's like,
"Hey, Jenny,
why do you have pimples
on your butt?"
And I'm like, "Cause they got
tired of my face. Shut up!
No more questions."
And I feel like we tell
little girls
that they are pretty
before anything else, right?
So I always tell her
that she's smart.
She's creative.
She's courageous.
I never tell her she's pretty
because I'm the pretty one,
all right?
She needs to understand that.
But she's gonna be weird.
She's gonna be weird girl
'cause she's got an old dad.
Like, my dad was 50
when he had her.
Like, I remember
when he was young and fun
and cool.
We'd do cool stuff
like horseback riding
and skiing.
I'm like, "Olivia,
what do you and Dad do
for fun now?"
And she's like, "Oh,
we drink vodka and talk
about buying a gun."
And I'm like, "Ugh.
Yeah, that's some
old dad shit."
Also, her parents are old,
both of them are,
and they do old people
weird stuff
like– do you guys remember
when you were young,
you would have a nightmare
and you would run into
you parents' bedrooms?
Right?
Both her parents
have CPAP machines.
Yeah. If you guys
don't know what that is,
basically is after 50,
your body tries to kill itself
every night.
So you have to put
a dumb mask over your face.
And your body's just like,
"Let me go."
And you're like, "No, no, no.
I have a prescription."
So she runs in to see
these two Darth Vader zombies
just asleep on the bed, like,
( imitates snoring )
( raspy voice )
"What's wrong, Olivia?
Are you having a nightmare?"
And she's like, "Fuck it.
I'ma chill with the ghosts.
Uh, no.
I don't need this shit."
If you couldn't tell already,
guys, I'm a feminist.
I'm a big–
big, dumb feminist.
And where are my other
feminists at?
– ( cheers and applause )
– All right, nice. Very nice.
I did feel a couple of
dude buttholes tighten up,
not gonna lie.
Bros, loosen your
buttholes up, okay?
Let the love in.
Let the love in.
'Cause I get it.
I know what a lot of guys think
when they hear the word
"feminism."
They think of,
like, a femi-Nazi
liberal arts student
with a vagina on her head
being like,
"We're coming for your dicks."
We're not.
Okay? I love dicks. Oh.
I love them.
It's what's attached to them
that's frustrating.
That's the problem.
But, look, I will be the first
one to tell you guys
sometimes women will do stuff
that is annoying, okay?
For example,
I had a friend say this,
and it was the dumbest thing
I had ever heard, okay?
She goes, "Jenny,
I have to lose weight
because I have to get rid
of my camel toe."
What? Like…
you can't diet
your vagina away, okay?
Can't do it.
It's just gonna be there.
There's only one way
to stop camel toe, ladies.
And that's to keep it hairy,
okay?
All right, all right.
Some pushback here, guys.
Like, okay, look,
it's cold outside.
Put a hat on,
you know what I mean?
Like, I live in L.A.,
but I keep it very Mid-West
down there.
Right, it is Minnesota,
Wisconsin all the time.

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