Don’t you hate it when life takes a massive crap on you and your family? That’s what happened Amilllioaa in this episode of Scared, Stupid. “Scared, Stupid!
My name is Amilio.
That’s Amilio with 2 l’s and 3 a’s.
I an writing this letter to you, in the hopes
that you will believe my story.
Because of the events that happened on….that
I live in an orphanage.
Just as they do in prison, it’s common to
ask another orphan, Hey, how’d you get in
Some kids have pretty cool stories.
One of my friends is actually a prince from
Denmark who’s hiding from his assasins as
an undercover orphan.
Another one of my friends ATE his parents,
so yeah that was pretty cool.
Me on the other hand….My story is pathetic.
All the kids laugh at it, and refuse to believe
a word.
I know you’re smarter than they are…
Aren’t you.
*thunder crack*
It all happened on a Thursday.
Me and my two brothers were eating some chicken
tendies when all of a sudden, Mom surrounded
Our bodies shivered in pure terror as she
drew near and began to scream.
Rodney your date with that hooker girl from
down the road starts right now.
The hooker family was a nice, but often misunderstood
family of four with an unfortunate last name.
BACK. “to when?”
i asked, timid as timid could be—— TO
We dropped off Billy at his soccer game.
The fields were poorly managed, and because
of the mud the grass was more brown than green.
it started to rain.
As we pulled away though, something caught
my eye.
It was a cute girl.
5’4, maybe 5’3, redhead, gorgeous smile,
just my type.
*cue Insidious*
Standing behind her was a man in a hooded
jacket, I couldn’t make out his face but
I swore there were horns sticking out from
under his hood.
He was 7 feet tall at least….As our car
turned around I saw that hot girl wave her
hand in front of her face, like she had just
smelt something really….reallly smelly.
Just as we pulled out of the soccer fields,
a scream *play* rippled through the fields.
Wow must be a pretty intense game of soccer,
said mom.
My morbidly obese stomach churned.
We rushed to my liposuction appointment, chucking
Rodney out the window as we drove by the hooker’s
*pan* thanks moooommm*
*crash sound*
I’m pretty sure that was the first death
of the day
As we pulled in to the liposuction factory,
something didn’t feel quite right…it wasn’t
the fact that there was a Mcdonalds right
next to the liposuction factory….no it was
somtehing far worse…far more sinister and
much smellier… the air reeked of a dung-like
smell, and the once blue sky was now a terrible
brown color.
Poullution am i right?
Said my mom
Either that or it’s the bonacon, said my
dad who suddenly appeared in the car with
What’s that, I asked?
Like an idiot.
Oh it’s just a story my father would tell
me every night for 34 years.
The legend of bonacon stretches back to the
mesopatamen period, but we probably won’t
have time for all that.
Lemme give u the quickie version son.
The bonnacon resembles a bison…it’s got
two MASSIVE horns prtoruding from its head…but
what you’ve really gotta watch out for is
the back.
Due to its terrible diet, my father explained,
it sprays dung at people.
Not just any dung….
ACIDIC dung.
One touch and your skin just melts off.
“Like cheese on a cheeseburger, Papi?”
I asked?
Yes exactly like that.
But it’s been dead for centuries so you
needn’t fear.
The only reason it would come back is if pollution
went off the charts.
But there’d be warning signs.
The fields would turn brown, the sky would
There’d be an increase of fast food joints
and liposuctions.
Good thing we haven’t been seeing any of
those lately.
Hmmmhmmm *gulps* *nervous giggle* i neverously
The check-in for liposuction was a blur.
All I remember was sitting down on the liposuction
chair and the doctor came in with the anesthesia.
He grunted and placed the mask onto.
The nurse instructed me to breathe deeply.
It was all relaxing….
The doctor began to turn around, and I couldnt
help but notice his rather large posterior
poking out from his labcoat.
I looked up at his head, about to doze off,
and i noticed two large lumps poking out from
under his hood….
Wait a minute, I thought, doctors don’t
wear hoods.
I sprung out of my chair , tuck and rolled
straight out the door like a rolly polly.
I looked behind me and saw a load of acidic
*mpppp* burn the seat I was just sittting
It was then that I noticed the name embossed
on the doctor’s jacket…
Doctor….Doctor Bonnacon.
The creature let out a mighty moooo, roared
and charged me.
I rushed into the waiting room and screamed
*whiny cole voce* “MOMMM DAD IT’S TIME
“No it’s actually time for you to get
a watch”.
Said my dad, grinning ear to ear.
His smile quickly evaporated as a giant cow
creature burst through the reception door.
“Guess they’re hiring anybody these days,
he whispered to my mom”
“PAPIIIIII” I cried.
But it was too late.
The creature’s pungent acidic poop spewed
out from it’s posterior, screeching, as
it unleashed its big, smelly load on papa.
“OHHHHHH” my dad moaned, as his skin melted
“Just like cheeeese Amilio….just like..”
and then he sizzled away.
That was the last time I ever saw my dad in
solid form….
My mother quickly understood what was going
on, rolled up a peopls magazine and smacked
the bonnacon on the nose.
She screamed with the rage of a thousand mothers.
And began beating him over the head
*pizicatto playtime*
Jus then, the nurse came in and said “dr.
bonnacon” its time for ur anti-acid pills,
ma’m if u cud just give us a second…
My mom respectfully backed off and sat down
next to the acidic remains of my dad.
There was a little bit of his face left floating
on the top of the acid pool, like ice in a
watered down root beer.
The nurse licked the antiacid pill and placed
it in the creature’s mouth.
After he swallowed, The nurse tickled his
chin *cue monster laugh* It was clear that
their relationship was more than just professional/
*music dark*
The nurse suddenly whipped out a military
grade bazooka and said some cheesy action
movie line…
I ran out of the building and leapt in front
of me just to hear the explosion go off…
My mom was dead….
I cried for what seemed like days., After
a lil’ while the nurse came out to see if
i was ok.
She handed me a napkin to wipe my tears.
She offered to drop me off to an orphanage
she worked at…
The car ride there was a little awkward considering
she had murdered my mom, but it was nice of
her i guess.
The really sad part about this story is that
Ii never got my liposuction, so now i’m
the CRAZY ANNND Fat kid at the orphanage….

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