Stephen provides conversation fodder in the form of fan emails, leading to discussions about a lion that laid waste to Cambodian midget fighters. Karl shares his …
( instrumental music
playing )

Announcer:
FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS
RICKY GERVAIS,

STEPHEN MERCHANT,
AND KARL PILKINGTON

HAVE BEEN MEETING
REGULARLY

FOR A SERIES
OF POINTLESS CONVERSATIONS.

THIS IS ONE OF THEM.
– TESTING.
– IS THAT ALL RIGHT?
( dings )
HELLO AND WELCOME
TO "THE RICKY GERVAIS SHOW"
WITH ME, RICKY GERVAIS,
STEPHEN MERCHANT…
– HELLO.
– …AND THE LITTLE
ROUND-HEADED BUFFOON
THAT IS KARL PILKINGTON.
HI.
( theme music playing )
RICK, YOU'LL BE PLEASED
TO KNOW WE'VE ALREADY
HAD SOME RESPONSES.
SIMON AND MARK
HAVE ALREADY EMAILED
US IN THIS LINK
TO SOMETHING THAT WAS
ON THE BBC NEWS WEBSITE.
I DON'T KNOW IF
YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH THIS,
BUT IT'S A REMARKABLE STORY.
"LION MUTILATES 42 MIDGETS
IN CAMBODIAN RING FIGHT."
– THAT'S JUST THE HEADLINE.
– THAT'S AHEAD OF A HEADLINE.
THAT MAKES ME WANT
TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE STORY.
THAT'S WHAT A HEADLINE
SHOULD DO.
"SPECTATORS CHEERED
AS THE ENTIRE CAMBODIAN
MIDGET FIGHTING LEAGUE

SQUARED OFF AGAINST
AN AFRICAN LION.

TICKETS HAD BEEN
SOLD OUT THREE WEEKS

THE FIGHT WAS ORGANIZED
WHEN AN ANGRY FAN

CONTESTED YANG SIHAMONI,
PRESIDENT OF THE C.M.F.L.,

CLAIMING THAT ONE LION
COULD DEFEAT HIS ENTIRE
LEAGUE OF 42 FIGHTERS."
WELL, THE FIGHT
WAS ENDED, RICK,
AFTER ONLY 12 MINUTES,
AFTER WHICH 28
OF THE MIDGET FIGHTERS
– WERE DECLARED DEAD…
– RIGHT.
…WHILE THE OTHER 14
SUFFERED SEVERE INJURIES

INCLUDING BROKEN BONES,
LOST LIMBS AND– THEY WERE
BASICALLY UNABLE TO FIGHT.
– BUT THE LION WASN'T HURT?
– IT WOULD SEEM THAT
THE LION WAS OKAY.
OH, GOOD.
WELL, THAT'S AMAZING.
KARL, WHAT ARE YOUR
THOUGHTS INSTANTLY?
I MEAN, YOU'RE BOUND
TO HAVE A TAKE ON THAT.

SEE, WHAT'S ANNOYING ME IS
I'VE SENT MONEY TO CAMBODIA
BECAUSE APPARENTLY THEY'RE
HUNGRY AND HAVEN'T
GOT ANY ENERGY.
– ( snickering )
– SO WHAT'S GOING ON?
WELL, IT'S MUCH EASIER
TO FILL UP A MIDGET
THAN IT IS
A REGULAR CAMBODIAN.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE
HAPPY ON A MARS BAR.
I JUST FEEL LIKE
I'M BEING CHEATED A BIT.
YOU WERE CONNED BEFORE
WITH A CHARITY, WEREN'T YOU?
– WELL, A FEW TIMES, YEAH.
– WHAT ABOUT THE OLD LADY?
– WHAT WAS THAT?
– I GOT STOPPED.
AND IT'S LIKE,
UH, THEY SORT OF
DRAG YOU IN BY SAYING,

"HAVE YOU GOT A GRAN?"
AND I SAID, "NO,
THEY DIED."

IT'S LIKE,
"OH, DID THEY
DIE OF THE COLD?"

"NO, SHE WAS JUST ILL,
WHAT HAVE YOU– OLD AGE."

SHE SAID, "WELL, WHAT HAPPENS
WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE'S GRANS

IS THEY DIE IN THE COLD."
I WAS LIKE, "OH,
THAT'S BAD, INNIT?"
SO SHE'S CHATTING
AND SHOWING ME PICTURES
OF THESE OLD WOMEN
WHO LOOK COLD,
SAYING, "LOOK AT HER.
THAT'S EDNA.

SHE'S GOT NO FAMILY.
SHE CAN'T PAY THE BILLS"
AND ALL THAT.

SO I'M LIKE, "OH YEAH?"
ANYWAY, IT GOES ON FOR
ABOUT 15 MINUTES.
YOU FEEL BAD.
YOU GIVE THEM YOUR
BANK DETAILS, RIGHT?
AND WHAT HAPPENS IS,
EVERY COUPLE OF MONTHS
YOU GET A LETTER
FROM EDNA.

IT'S NOT FROM HER.
IT'S TYPED UP AND
WHAT HAVE YOU.

BUT THERE'S
A PICTURE OF EDNA.
IT'S SAYING,
"THIS DECEMBER,
EDNA'S GONNA
BE EXTRA COLD.
IT'S COLD OUTSIDE.

SHE CAN'T AFFORD
TO PAY THE HEAT."

– YEAH.
– SO YOU KEEP
PAYING EVERY MONTH,
LIKE £5 OR WHATEVER.
GET ANOTHER LETTER
A FEW MONTHS LATER.
EDNA'S SAT THERE–
SHE'S GOT A TAN.
( laughs )
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
SHE'S GOT A TAN?
I THOUGHT THEY MEANT FOR
THE HEAT AND NOT TO SEND HER
ON HOLIDAY FOR A MONTH.
SHE'S SAT THERE WITH A TAN.
I'M NOT JOKING.

– A SLIGHT PROBLEM
IN THE PRINTING?
– NO NO, DEFINITELY.
– SHE LOOKED WELL HAPPY.
– ARE YOU SURE IT WASN'T
LIVER FAILURE?
YOU SEE, WHEN DOES
IT BECOME BAD
TO AVOID PEOPLE
LIKE THAT?
SOME PEOPLE SAY
YOU SHOULDN'T–
THAT THEY'RE PEOPLE
LIKE US WHO'VE JUST
HAD A BIT OF BAD LUCK.
– WELL, OF COURSE THEY ARE.
– YEAH, I KNOW,
BUT I REMEMBER ONE
ON OUR ESTATE.
SHE WAS A BIT–
WHAT'S THE WORD
THAT YOU CAN USE?
I DON'T WANT
TO OFFEND ANYONE.
– HOMELESS PERSON.
– YEAH, BUT SORT OF
A MENTAL HOMELESS.
THAT'S THE OFFICIAL TERM.
– YES, I THINK THAT–
– THAT IS THE VERY
OFFICIAL TERM.
– "IT'S MENTAL-
HOMELESS-ITIS."
– RIGHT.
SO SHE LIVED
ON THE ESTATE
AND WHAT HAVE YOU.
– AND SHE AGED–
– HOW WAS SHE HOMELESS
IF SHE LIVED ON THE ESTATE?
WELL, SHE SORT OF DECIDED
TO STAY AROUND THERE…
– ALL RIGHT.
– …'CAUSE PEOPLE
ON THE ESTATE
SPOKE TO HER MORE THAN
PEOPLE WHO HAD MONEY.
SO THIS MENTAL ILLNESS
WOMAN ON THE ESTATE–

AND WHAT
SHE USED TO DO–

SHE ACTED QUITE NORMAL.
AND SHE USED TO ALWAYS PUSH
A PRAM AROUND WITH HER.

I WAS LIKE, "SHE CAN'T
HAVE A KID, CAN SHE?"
AND SHE WAS DEAD HAPPY
EVERY DAY WALKING UP
AND DOWN THE ROAD.
ANYWAY, ONE DAY
SHE HAD A WALK PAST.

I TURNED AROUND
AND LOOKED IN THE PRAM.

IT WAS A BUCKET
WITH A FACE ON IT.

( Ricky, Stephen laughing )
( glugs )
RICK, WE'VE HAD
AN EMAIL HERE FROM A BLOKE.
I THINK YOU'RE
GONNA RESPECT HIM,
BECAUSE I THINK YOU
CAN TELL STRAIGHT AWAY
FROM HIS NAME
THAT HE'S THE KIND OF GUY
YOU'D WANT TO HANG OUT WITH.

– GO ON.
– I KNOW HOW MUCH
YOU LOVE FUN PEOPLE.
– YEAH.
– WELL, PAUL– AND HE'S
CALLING HIMSELF THIS–
PAUL "THE PARTY ANIMAL"
PARKER, HE'S EMAILED IN.
HE'S GIVEN HIMSELF
THAT MONIKER.
RIGHT. I ASSUME THEY'RE
IN QUOTE MARKS, ARE THEY?
THEY'RE IN SPEECH MARKS.
PAUL "THE PARTY ANIMAL" PARKER.
– I CAN'T–
– WHEN YOU PICTURE HIM,
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?
– MILHOUSE.
RIGHT, OKAY.
I THINK HE
LOOKS LIKE MILHOUSE
FROM "THE SIMPSONS."
– ( stammers )
– HE'S WORKING IN SORT OF
AN I.T. DEPARTMENT?
Ricky:
YEAH, PROBABLY.

I THINK HE MIGHT
STILL BE AT SCHOOL.

AND THIS IS
THE FINAL QUESTION:
DO YOU BELIEVE HIM
TO BE A PARTY ANIMAL?
I BELIEVE HIM
TO BE A PARTY ANIMAL
INASMUCH THAT A MAN
WITH A LONG SCARF THAT
HIS MOM KNITTED HIM
TO LOOK LIKE DR. WHO
CAN BE A PARTY ANIMAL.
DO YOU THINK THAT WHEN
PEOPLE ARE ORGANIZING
PARTIES AT HIS SCHOOL,
THEY'RE THINKING THE FIRST
PERSON THEY'VE GOT TO GET
ON THE LIST–
– TO MAKE SURE–
– "YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE
PAUL 'THE PARTY ANIMAL.'"
I BET HE'S GOT MILLIONS
OF AFFECTATIONS.
I BET HE'S THE ONE
WHO WANTS TO BE KNOWN

AS THE ONE WHO CARRIES
AROUND A BISCUIT TIN.

HE'S THE GUY
WHO ONLY EVER
WEARS BOWLING SHOES.

IT'S HIS THING.
IT'S HIS THING.

( Ricky cackling )
HE'S A LITTLE BIT KOOKY.
IT'S HIS THING.
AND IT IS
FAIRLY INTERESTING
WHAT HE'S SENT IN.
HE'S FOUND THIS
ON THE WEB–
A SERBIAN MAN
WHO HAS INVENTED
A SEX MACHINE
FOR WOMEN.
HE'S APPEALING
TO WESTERN WOMEN
TO TEST HIS DEVICE.
IT RUNS ON A 390-VOLT
ELECTRIC ENGINE,
SIMULATES SEX
AND HAS A 7 1/2"
ARTIFICIAL PENIS.
AS SOON AS I READ THIS,
I WAS THINKING–
JUST IMAGINE IN THERE
GOING, "OH, THANKS
FOR COMING IN.
SO WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN
IS THERE'S A PENIS THAT'S
GONNA POP OUT FROM HERE

AND IT'S GONNA
HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

I'M GONNA STAND
BEHIND THE MACHINE."

( Ricky laughing )
"I'M GONNA STAND BEHIND HERE.
THERE'S A LOT OF DIALS
– Ricky: "WHY DO YOU
STAND BEHIND IT?"

"IT'S TECHNICAL.
"THERE'S NO PENIS
AT THE MOMENT.
JUST A HOLE."

"DON'T WORRY.
WHAT'LL HAPPEN IS

I'LL SWITCH THE MACHINE ON,
I'LL GO BEHIND

AND THEN A PENIS
WILL APPEAR."

"WILL IT BE
A METAL-LOOKING PENIS?"

"IT WILL BE
A ROBOTIC PENIS,
BUT IT WILL SEEM

LIKE IT'S A REGULAR
FLESHY HUMAN PENIS."

"SO YOU'VE MADE
THIS ROBOT PENIS LOOK
REALLY REALISTIC."
"IT'S REALLY REALISTIC.
YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE

TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN THE ROBOT ONE
AND MINE."

"WELL, I DON'T
WANT TO SEE YOURS."

"NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT."
"I'VE NOT COME HERE
TO HAVE SEX WITH A PERSON."

"YOU'VE COME TO HAVE SEX
WITH A MACHINE. THAT'S
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA GET

– WITH THE USE
OF MECHANICAL"–
– ( both laugh )
TO A LOT OF PEOPLE,
SEX IS IMPORTANT.
– NOT TO YOU?
– WELL, IT SERVES
A PURPOSE.
( laughs )
WHAT PURPOSE?
YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE KIDS,
SO WHAT PURPOSE?
– JUST, YOU KNOW.
– SOMETHING TO DO
IN THE EVENING?
– SUMMAT TO DO, INNIT?
– WHEN THE TELLY'S BROKE.
BUT FOR YEARS,
THEY'VE FOUND MACHINES
– FROM, LIKE, ROMAN TIMES.
– NO.
LIKE THAT, THOUGH–
THE OLD, SORT OF KNOB-
ON-A-STICK MACHINE.
( both laugh )
THE OLD ROMAN KNOB
ON A STICK?
I'M SORRY,
BUT I'VE WATCHED
"TIME TEAM" EVERY WEEK
AND TONY ROBINSON
HAS NEVER DONE THAT–
AN KNOB-ON-A-STICK
MACHINE.
I JUST THINK OF
JULIUS CAESAR SITTING DOWN
AND GOING, "OKAY,
AQUEDUCT, WE LOVE THAT.
THANKS FOR THAT.

STRAIGHT ROADS?
GOOD IDEA. WE CAN SEE
THE ENEMY COMING."

"WELL, I'VE"–
"GLONKTICUS, WHAT HAVE
YOU GOT THERE?

WANKLICUS."
( Stephen laughs )
"WHAT I'VE GOT HERE
IS A YE OLDE KNOB

AND I'VE PUT THAT
ON THE END OF A STICK."

"OH, A STICKUS PHALLUS?
WELL DONE, WANKLICUS.

WELL DONE. YOU ARE
MY NEW RIGHT-HAND MAN,
AS THEY SAY. EXCELLENT."

BUT THEY DO
DO STUFF LIKE THAT.
YOU'VE BEEN
IN THE LONDON MUSEUM
AND THEY'VE GOT
SORT OF SEX STUFF
FROM YEARS AGO.
THEY'VE GOT THESE
METAL PANTS THAT
THEY USED TO WEAR.
– I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS!
– METAL PANTS?
– YEAH, A SORT OF METAL–
– A CHASTITY BELT, YOU MEAN?
THEY USED TO MAKE
WOMEN WEAR THEM.
NO, BUT THEY
HAVE THEM FOR BLOKES
AS WELL, THOUGH.
METAL PANTS FOR BLOKES?
WHY?
NO, I JUST THINK
THEY LIKED SORT OF
SEXY METAL PANTS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN
BY SEXY METAL PANTS.
WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO LOOK,
'CAUSE I HAVEN'T GOT IT
IN FRONT OF ME.
IT'S JUST SOMETHING
I REMEMBER SEEING–
SEXY METAL PANTS.
BUT WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
SEXY METAL PANTS?
KARL, THAT WAS NO
BRITISH MUSEUM–
THAT WAS SOHO.
THAT WAS OLD COMPTON STREET.
YOU WERE LOOKING IN
A SHOP WINDOW.
THEY ALWAYS
HAD TO BE READY
FOR BATTLE AND THAT,
BUT THESE WERE
A LITTLE BIT SEXY,
BUT PROTECTIVE
AT THE SAME TIME.
( cackles )
I LOVE THAT!
SIR LANCELOT,
ARE YOU READY TO FACE
THE BLACK KNIGHT?

WHAT DO YOU
THINK OF THESE, HUH?

I WANT TO LOOK GOOD
ON THE BATTLEFIELD.

WILL THERE BE WOMEN WATCHING,
CHEERING US ON?

WELL, YOU'RE NOT GONNA
FIGHT LIKE THAT, ARE YOU?

I'M GONNA WEAR NOTHING
EXCEPT THESE SEXY
METAL PANTS.

WHAT ABOUT–
YOUR CHEST IS EXPOSED.

WELL, IT'S A GOOD CHEST.
I'VE BEEN WORKING OUT.

NO, BUT WHAT I MEAN
IS YOU WANT METAL ALL OVER.

I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN
LIFTING UP THE ROUND TABLE.

I JUST WORK OUT,
DO THAT ABOUT FOUR
TIMES A DAY.

BUT THAT MACHINE,
RIGHT, WHY–
DID IT
HAVE TO BE A WOMAN
OR COULD THEY HAVE GOT
A LITTLE GAY FELLOW IN?
I– I–
– LET ME JUST CHECK. UM…
– ( both laugh )
IT DOESN'T ACTUALLY SPECIFY
IN THE SMALL PRINT.
I LOVE THAT.
WHY DO YOU WANT TO SEE
A LITTLE GAY FELLOW BE–
NO, I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT.
I'M JUST SAYING–
– KARL, WHY DO YOU WANT–
– I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT.
WHY DO YOU WANT TO WATCH
A GAY MAN GET BUGGERED
BY A ROBOT?
I WASN'T THE ONE TYPING
IN "GAY MACHINES"
ON THE INTERNET.
STEVE WAS.
– IT'S NOT A GAY MACHINE!
– YOU JUST MADE IT
INTO A GAY MACHINE.
– YEAH.
HE WANTED TO PLEASURE WOMEN
WITH THIS MACHINE.
YOU'RE SAYING, "CAN I SEE
A LITTLE GAY FELLOW
GET A ROBOTIC COCK
UP HIS ASS?"
YOU'RE THE ONE
REQUESTING THAT,
KARL PILKINGTON.
I DON'T WANT THAT.
I'M JUST SAYING–
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT WANTS
TO SEE GAY MEN
WITH METAL STUFF
UP THEIR ANUS.
ALL I'M SAYING IS
THEY'RE UP FOR A BIT MORE
EXPERIMENTATION THAN–
– WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
WHY IS THAT THE CASE?
– WHY? WHY'D YOU SAY THAT?
NO, JUST–
JUST, YOU KNOW–
BUTT PLUGS AND THAT.
WHAT I'M SAYING IS–
YOU CAN'T JUST SAY
"BUTT PLUGS AND THAT."
I'M JUST SAYING THAT I RECKON
THEY'D BE UP FOR IT.
– WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT BUTT PLUGS?
– I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
I JUST REMEMBER SEEING
AN ADVERT FOR SOME ONES
IN A SEX SHOP.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING–
WHAT ARE YOU DOING–
NO, I WASN'T.
I WAS JUST WALKING PAST.
I WAS WALKING PAST
THE SEX SHOP AND THAT.
MM-HMM.
WHY WERE YOU WALKING
PAST A SEX SHOP?
IT WAS ON
THE WAY TO WORK.
I PASSED ONE.
THERE WAS A LITTLE,
SORT OF–
ONE: IT WAS OPEN EARLY,
WHICH I NEVER UNDERSTOOD.
RIGHT? IT WAS ABOUT
8:00 IN THE MORNING.
WHO'S RUSHING OUT
FOR BUTT PLUGS THAT
EARLY IN THE MORNING?
YEAH. WHO NEEDS
THEM NOW, RIGHT?
"I MUST GET A BAGEL
AND SOME POPPERS ON
THE WAY TO WORK."

I WALKED PAST AND IT
HAD LIKE A LITTLE
POST-IT NOTE–

A POSTCARD TYPE THING
AND IT WAS LIKE,

"POP IN NOW, BUY AN ITEM,
CHUCK IN SOME FREE
BUTT PLUGS."

I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT THEY WERE FOR.
I'D NEVER HEARD OF THEM.

ALL I'M SAYING IS
I'VE SINCE FOUND OUT
WHAT THEY DO DO WITH THEM.
– WHAT DO THEY DO WITH THEM?
– AND IF THEY DO DO
THAT WITH THEM,
GIVE 'EM A GO ON THAT.
( laughs )
I'VE ANOTHER EMAIL HERE.
IT'S AN INTERESTING FACT.
I'M HOPING IT'S TRUE.
AMERICA'S FIRST
NUDIST ORGANIZATION
APPARENTLY WAS
FOUNDED IN 1929
BY THREE MEN.
NOW WHAT INTRIGUED ME
WHEN I READ THAT
IS THE FACT THAT IT'S
CLEARLY THREE BLOKES
JUST TRYING TO MEET
SOME NUDE WOMEN.
THEY'RE ALL 52
AND BALDING…
EXACTLY.
…WITH LITTLE-SIZED
GOLD-RIMMED GLASSES.

YEAH.
– YEAH.
– AND THEY'RE JUST
WANDERING AROUND
THEY'RE KNOCKING ON DOORS
SAYING, "WE'VE JUST SET UP
AN ORGANIZATION.

IT'S ABOVE-BOARD,
COMPLETELY LEGITIMATE.
IT'S A NUDIST ORGANIZATION.

UM, YOU GOT ANY WOMEN
IN THERE THAT WANT TO
COME AND JOIN US?

GOT ANY WOMEN IN THERE,
YOU KNOW, INTERESTED
IN VOLLEYBALL OR"–

I CAN'T BE DEALING
WITH THAT, ME.
– YOU HATE NUDISTS,
DON'T YOU?
– NUDISTS.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT
AT THE END OF THE DAY.
AND HERE'S SOMETHING:
DO YOU KNOW– WHEN
YOU'RE A BLOKE NUDIST,
DO YOU EVER GET ANY
WHO JUST HAVE, LIKE,
A SMALL KNOB?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
THE QUESTION.
WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
WELL, YOU KNOW,
ARE THERE ANY BLOKES
WHO JUST HAVE A NORMAL-SIZED
KNOB OR MAYBE A BIT SMALLER
THAN NORMAL
WHO ARE HAPPY
WANDERING ABOUT
SHOWING OFF

WHAT THEY HAVEN'T GOT,
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DON'T THINK
NUDISTS ARE DOING IT
– 'CAUSE THEY'RE SO PROUD
OF THEIR KNOB.
– ( laughs )
NO, BUT THERE'S
GOT TO BE A LITTLE BIT
OF THAT, ISN'T THERE?
I'M JUST SAYING MOST
BLOKES WHO ARE NUDISTS,

THEY MUST BE PRETTY
CONFIDENT IN THEMSELVES.

I LOOKED ONCE.
– WHERE ARE YOU HANGING OUT?
– WHAT IS THIS?
– IT'S NATURAL,
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.
– WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THIS IS KARL-TAKES-A-SNEAKY-
LOOK-AT-MEN'S-COCKS.COM?
WHERE WAS THIS HAPPENING?
SO YOU WERE IN A GYM
AND A LOT OF GUYS ARE
GETTING CHANGED
AND YOU'RE JUST CHECKING
OUT THEIR KNOBS?
AND THERE WAS A LITTLE
FELLOW ACROSS THE ROAD
GETTING CHANGED.
I WAS AT SOME
NIGHT OUT ONCE–
SO YOU WERE AT HEAVEN
AND YOU WERE IN THE TOILETS.
–AT SOME NIGHT OUT
AND SOME PEOPLE COME
RUNNING ON THE STAGE.

SOME MUSIC STARTED
COMING ON AND THESE
FOUR PEOPLE RUN OUT–

TWO WOMEN–
– SO YOU'RE AT
A GAY STRIP CLUB.
IT WASN'T GAY.
IT WAS JUST A NORMAL NIGHT–
WELL, SOME SORT OF
PARTY NIGHT OUT.
THESE– THESE PEOPLE COME
RUNNING ON, RIGHT?
YOU GOT TWO WOMEN.
YOU GOT TWO BLOKES.

THEY WHIP THEIR KNICKERS OFF,
THE FELLOWS WHIP THEIR
UNDIES OFF.

– AT THE SAME TIME?
– YEAH, ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
WAS IT LIKE
A CHOREOGRAPHED THING?
– GO ON.
– SO THAT HAPPENED
AND ALL I'M SAYING IS
BEFORE I HAD A LOOK
AT THE WOMAN'S BITS, RIGHT,
I JUST HAD A LITTLE CHEEKY
GLANCE AT THE FELLAS.
– BOTH: WHY?
– JUST CHECKING IT OUT.
JUST SEEING IS EVERYTHING
NORMAL DOWN THERE.
WHY WEREN'T YOUR EYES
DRAWN INSTANTLY TO
THE LADIES' BITS?
I– NO, BELIEVE ME,
I HAD A LOOK AT THAT.
JUST– JUST– I DIDN'T KNOW
HOW LONG PANTS WERE GONNA
BE LEFT OFF FOR.
SO YOU DIDN'T WANNA
MISS YOUR OPPORTUNITY
IS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
YOU SAW A WINDOW
OF OPPORTUNITY TO
SEE SOME MEN'S BITS
– 'CAUSE THIS MAY
NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
– SO WHAT HAPPENED?
SO YOU– THERE'S TWO WOMEN,
TWO MEN, RIGHT?
UM, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT SORT OF EVENT THIS IS
WHERE YOU'RE LOOKING
AT ANYONE GET THEIR KNICKERS
AND PANTS OFF.
I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU'RE LOOKING AT ALL.
SO YOU GO–
YOU GO, "RIGHT.
THERE'S KNICKERS
AND PANTS OFF, RIGHT.
LET'S CHECK OUT THE KNOB
AND TESTICLES FIRST."
YOU'RE TELLING ME
YOU'VE NEVER, LIKE–
YOU'VE NOT JUST
SORT OF TURNED YOUR HEAD,
HAD A LOOK AND GONE,
"YEP, THAT'S ALL RIGHT."
SO LET'S JUST GET
THIS QUESTION RIGHT.
HAVE WE EVER BEEN IN A GYM
AND JUST TAKEN A SNEAKY GLANCE
AT A MAN'S GENITALS?
– IS THAT YOUR QUESTION?
– RIGHT.
FOR ME, IT'S THE SAME
AS WHEN YOU SEE SOMEONE
WHO'S A BIT ODD–
TWO HEADS OR WHATEVER.
WELL, I'LL BE HONEST.
IF I WAS IN A GYM
AND A BLOKE CAME IN
WITH TWO HEADS, I'D LOOK.
I'D TRY– I'D GET A SNEAKY
GLANCE IN THE MIRROR.
I'D GO–
SORRY, BUT YOU'D
LOOK AT HIS GENITALS
OR HIS TWO HEADS?
YOU'D LOOK AT THE HEADS
AND THEN THINK, "I WONDER
IF HE'S GOT TWO COCKS."
I DON'T–
HAVE A LOOK THERE.
I TELL YOU WHAT–
NOW I ADMIT IT.
IF I'M EVER IN A GYM
AND A NAKED MAN
WITH TWO HEADS WALKS IN,
I PROBABLY WILL CHECK OUT
THE GENITALS AS WELL,

JUST TO MAKE SURE THAT
HE'S GOT TWO OF EVERYTHING.

CAN I TELL YOU THE THING
THAT ALWAYS FREAKS ME OUT?
I DO SOMETIMES GO TO THE GYM
AND I LIVE IN NORTH LONDON.
IS IF THERE'S AN ELDERLY MAN–
OFTEN QUITE SHORT–
UH, I'M ALWAYS
FREAKED OUT
'CAUSE THERE'S AT LEAST
TWO I'M AWARE OF
WHO'VE GOT VERY VERY
LARGE PENISES.
AND I ALWAYS FIND THAT
REALLY DISTURBING
'CAUSE I–
YOU CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE
'CAUSE IT'S LIKE
GODZILLA COMING THROUGH
THE CHANGING ROOM.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
SO THAT I DO ADMIT.
THAT'S THE ONLY INSTANCE
WHERE MY EYES'D BE
NATURALLY DRAWN TO IT.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
ANNOYS ME IN GYMS?
WHERE PEOPLE WALK
AROUND HAPPILY NAKED
ALL THE TIME WHISTLING.
THEY GET WEIGHED NAKED.
POP A TOWEL ON
AND TAKE OFF THREE OUNCES.

HOW EXACT HAVE THOSE
MEASUREMENTS GOTTA BE?

– YEAH.
– DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
POP A TOWEL ON.
I MEAN UNLESS YOU'RE
GOING ON THE SPACE SHUTTLE,
I RECKON YOU COULD
GIVE OR TAKE A COUPLE OF–
COUPLE OF STONE YEAH.
EXACTLY. YEAH YEAH.
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
WELL, WE'VE–
WE'VE PUT THAT TO BED.
I KNOW THIS IS WHAT
A LOT OF THE FANS ARE
ALREADY WONDERING.
IS THERE GONNA BE
SOME MONKEY NEWS TODAY?
– THERE'S GOTTA BE.
– OF COURSE THERE IS.
– BOTH: YEAH?
– NO QUESTION.
WELL, I DON'T–
I'M WORRIED
BECAUSE MAYBE THIS WILL
STEAL YOUR THUNDER.
SARAH HAS EMAILED
THIS IN–
A CHIMP MAULING
UNDER INVESTIGATION.
I KNOW YOU WERE CONCERNED
'CAUSE THIS ACTUALLY FUSES
TWO OF OUR GREATEST FEATURES–
MONKEY NEWS AND KNOB NEWS.
IT'S JUST ONE–
INTO ONE SEAMLESS WHOLE.
INVESTIGATORS SAID THEY ARE
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
HOW TWO CHIMPANZEES THAT
VICIOUSLY ATTACKED A VISITOR
AT AN ANIMAL SANCTUARY
ESCAPED FROM THEIR CAGE.
THIS IS THE GRIM BIT.
THE CHIMPS CHEWED OFF
A MAN'S NOSE
AND SEVERELY MAULED
HIS GENITALS AND LIMBS.
WHY DID THEY GO
FOR HIS GENITALS?
BOTH OF 'EM DID AS WELL.
– EH?
– BOTH OF 'EM.
UH, NO, YOU'RE RIGHT. YEAH.
IT WAS CHIMPANZEES, TWO.
THEY JUST SAW THAT THEY
WERE DANGLING AWAY AND THEY–
"YOU GO FOR THE NOSE.
I'LL GO FOR HIS BOLLOCKS."

– WHAT ACCENT HAVE
THEY GOT THERE?
– I DON'T KNOW.
WERE THEY KIND OF
NEW YORK GANGSTER CHIMPS?
"SOPRANO" CHIMPS?
( laughing )
WHAT– WHAT HAPPENED
TO 'EM, ANYWAY?
UH, WELL UNFORTUNATELY,
THEY WERE SHOT DEAD
BY THE AUTHORITIES.
YOU SEE,
THAT ANNOYS ME A BIT.
– I KNOW. AGAIN–
– WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THEY WERE ATTACKING
PEOPLE'S GONADS.
I KNOW, BUT THEY WERE HAPPY
IN A AFRICAN JUNGLE
– A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO.
– THAT WAS WHAT THEY DO,
ISN'T IT?
BUT WHY AREN'T THEY JUST
SORT OF TRANQUILIZED?
WHERE WAS THIS?
WHY AM I BEING ACCUSED
LIKE IT WAS MY FAULT?
JUST 'CAUSE I HAPPEN TO BE–
SARAH WHO EMAILED IN,
THAT'S THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE
GETTING A BOLLOCKING.
IT JUST ANNOYS ME HOW ONE WAY,
IT'S KIND OF LIKE
WE'RE TRYING
TO SAVE THE PANDAS
AND THEN THE NEXT DAY
SOMEONE'S SHOOTING 'EM
OR WHATEVER.
I'VE TALKED ABOUT
THIS BEFORE–
ABOUT ST. GEORGE
KILLED THE LAST DRAGON.
RIGHT?
– NO, IT DIDN'T EXIST.
– ( laughs )
– Karl: IT'S THE SAME THING.
NO NO, THERE–
THERE'S NEVER BEEN
ANY DRAGONS.
IT'S A MYTHICAL CREATURE.
BY "MYTHICAL,"
IT MEANS WE MADE THIS UP–
– LIKE THE UNICORN.
– WELL, I–
I DON'T EVEN–
WHAT WAS YOUR POINT
ABOUT THE DRAGON?
– WHAT'S THAT
GOT TO WITH THIS?
– BECAUSE I'M SAYING
HOW– WHY IS IT
ALL RIGHT TO BE
GOING AROUND
GOING MENTAL WITH A GUN,
SHOOTING ALL THE MONKEYS
AND KILLING 'EM?
ONE DAY WE'RE
GONNA RUN OUT.
THIS IS AN ANIMAL
SANCTUARY THOUGH.
SO PRESUMABLY THEY HAD
QUITE A CUSHY TIME THERE.
THE ONES I'VE VISITED,
THEY'VE GOT IT EASY.
THEY'RE HANGING
AROUND ON TIRES.
THEY GOT COMFY CHAIRS.

THEY'RE WANKING.
THEY GOING BERSERK.
THEY'RE LOVING IT.
BUT HANG ON A MINUTE.
YOU'VE JUST ANSWERED YOUR
OWN QUESTION THERE.
YOU SAID THEY'RE IN
A SANCTUARY.
SO THEY HAVEN'T
HAD A GOOD UPBRINGING.
SO THEY'RE GONNA BE
A BIT MADDER THAN OTHER
MONKEYS, AREN'T THEY?
THAT'S WHERE
THE ILL ONES GO, ISN'T IT?
SO WHAT DO YOU UNDERSTAND
BY "SANCTUARY"?
– WELL, I'VE BEEN
TO ONE FOR SEALS.
– IT'S NOT LIKE A BORSTAL
YEAH, EXACTLY–
HE THINKS IT'S A BORSTAL!
– IT'S LIKE SCUM.
– YEAH YEAH, LIKE THEY DID
SOME BAD STUFF
IN THE JUNGLE
AND THEY HAD
A LITTLE MONKEY COURT,

AND THEY WENT,
"SEND HIM TO BORSTAL."

WELL, WHAT IS IT THEN?
NO, IT'S
A MONKEY SANCTUARY,
WHERE LIKE–
LIKE A HAVEN.
IT'S NOT A HAVEN, IS IT?
THEY GOT A BULLET IN THE HEAD.
TALKING OF,
UH, EATING KNOBS,
CAROL THATCHER– A DAUGHTER
OF ONE OF OUR LEADERS.
WELL, YOU SAW HER
IN "I'M A CELEBRITY…
GET ME OUT OF HERE."
SHE POPPED A COUPLE
OF BOLLOCKS IN THE MOUTH,
CHEWED THEM UP,
SWALLOWED 'EM.
KANGAROO,
UH, PENIS THERE, DRIED.
IT WAS SO TOUGH,
SHE COULDN'T EVEN
GET THROUGH IT.
– EVENTUALLY, SHE EATS IT.
– WAS IT LIKE A PEPPERONI?
YEAH AND SHE– WHAT DO YOU
THINK OF THAT, KARL?
– WHAT, EATING THAT
SORT OF STUFF?
YEAH.
I JUST– I MEAN,
I– I– I WATCH.
I LIKE THOSE
LITTLE TRIAL BITS, RIGHT?
YEAH.
– BUT WHAT–
WHAT I DON'T THINK
PEOPLE REALIZE IS, RIGHT,
IT IS HARD EATING
A LITTLE KANGAROO KNOB.
REALLY?
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
NO, IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW,
YOU THINK ABOUT IT.
YOU GO, "OH, COULDN'T
DO THAT," RIGHT?
BUT WHAT THEY NEVER MENTION ON
THE TV PROGRAM,
WHICH I THINK TAKES IT
TO THE NEXT LEVEL–
THEY'RE EATING THAT
LIKE HALF PAST 7:00
IN THE MORNING…
– SURE.
– …WHICH IS WORSE,
ISN'T IT?
– Ricky: YEAH.
– DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
IF– IF– IF I WAS THERE,
AND– AND DEC SAID,
"RIGHT, KARL,
EAT THE KNOB,"

I'D GO,
"HANG ON A MINUTE.
GIVE US A FEW HOURS.

LET ME GET SOME RICE
AND THAT ON MY BELLY

AND JUST SORT OF FILL ME UP
A LITTLE BIT MORE,

I'LL POP BACK ABOUT
HALF 6:00 THIS EVENING.

HAVE IT READY."
AND I'D BE HAPPIER THEN.
IT'S JUST– IT'S JUST
THAT THING OF, YOU KNOW–
YOU DON'T WANNA–
YOU DON'T WANNA EAT ANIMAL
GENITALS ON AN EMPTY STOMACH.
– SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
– I'M SAYING, LIKE,
I COULD EAT– I COULD EAT
A KNOB AT NIGHT, BUT–
JUST CUT THAT THERE.
WE'LL LOOP THAT.
IF ANY DJS
ARE LISTENING,
UH, JUST TAKE THAT QUOTE,
"I COULD EAT A KNOB AT NIGHT"
BY KARL PILKINGTON,
MAYBE DO A DANCE REMIX?
MAYBE SORT OF
A HOUSE PRODUCER
COULD MAYBE GET SOME KIND
OF HIGH-ENERGY BEAT GOING
AND THEN WE COULD JUST
SEND THAT OUT TO SOME
OF THE GAY CLUBS.
I'M SURE IT'D BE
REALLY POPULAR.
PLEASE PLEASE, ANYONE,
SEND US THAT LOOPED
WITH A NICE LITTLE
FUNKY HOUSE BEAT–
KARL PILKINGTON SAYING
"I COULD EAT A KNOB AT NIGHT."
IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN.
IT'S WHAT EVERYONE'S
WAITING FOR.
CAN YOU DO
THE JINGLE FOR US?
♪ OH, CHIMPANZEE,
THAT MONKEY NEWS. ♪
ALL RIGHT, THIS WEEK,
THE MONKEY NEWS IS ABOUT–
WE ALL KNOW THESE MONKEYS
KNOCKING ABOUT
– THAT AREN'T HAPPY…
– RIGHT, YEAH.
– …IN THIS COUNTRY.
– SURELY.
IT IS A BIG PROBLEM.
IT'S AN EPIDEMIC.
SO THEY'VE SET UP THIS–
THIS PLACE WHERE
THEY ALL GO–
THE ONES THAT AREN'T HAPPY
IN A ZOO AND WHAT HAVE YOU,
IT'S GETTING 'EM DOWN.
THEY CAN PHONE A NUMBER
AND THEY'LL COME
AND PICK 'EM UP.
POP 'EM IN THIS–
THIS HOUSE PLACE, RIGHT?
AND BASICALLY THEY CAN
RUN RIOT IN THERE.

THEY GET FREEDOM
TO SORT OF CHEER
THEMSELVES UP.

THERE'S THREE PEOPLE
RUNNING THIS PLACE, RIGHT?

SO THESE MONKEYS–
BIG HOUSE AND THAT–

PLAYSTATION.
ANYTHING.

– Karl: GYM, ALL THAT.
– GYM.
ONE OF THEM WANTED
TO MESS ABOUT WITH
THE WOMAN'S BREASTS.
– Stephen:
WHICH WOMAN'S BREASTS?
THE WOMAN WHO WORKS THERE.
AND SHE WAS LIKE,
"RIGHT, PACK IT IN.
WE'VE ALL
HAD A BIT OF FUN."

UH, HE'D BEEN IN THE GYM
AND EVERYTHING,
OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW,
GOT A BIT EXCITED,
WAS FIRED UP,
READY FOR MORE
ACTION AND THAT.
HE'S TRYING TO HAVE
A GO ON THIS WOMAN'S
BREASTS, RIGHT?
– SHE WAS LIKE–
– HAVE A GO.
SHE WAS LIKE,
"NO, YOU'RE NOT DOING THAT."
PACK IT IN AND ALL THAT.
THE BOSS WHO'S RUNNING
THE PLACE WAS LIKE,
"UH, COME ON.
LET HIM HAVE A GO."
WAIT,
YOU'RE TALKING SHIT.
SO ANYWAY, RIGHT,
SO HE'S THERE AND–
SO THE BOSS SAYS,
"YEAH, YOU CAN HAVE A GROPE"?
THE BOSS IS SAYING,
"LET HIM HAVE A GO."
"COME ON, RITA,
IF MONKEY WANTS TO PLAY
WITH NIPPLES, LET HIM."

SO, SHE'S LIKE,
"I'M NOT HAPPY WITH THIS."
AND HE'S GOING,
"YOU KNOW THE RULES HERE.
– THIS IS ABSOLUTE BOLLOCKS.
– ACTUALLY, NO.
AND IN THE END,
BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T
ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN,
THE BLOKE SACKED HER,
GOT SOMEONE ELSE IN.
I WANT TO SEE THE ADVERT
HE PUT IN "THE GUARDIAN"
MEDIA PAGE. I'D LOVE THAT.
"WOMAN WANTED TO LET CHIMP
FEEL TITS WHENEVER IT WANTS."
WELL, IT'S ALL UP THERE.
YOU'RE TALKING
ABSOLUTE SHIT AGAIN.
– WELL, WE'LL SEE.
– THERE IS NO WAY
THAT HAPPENED.
( theme music playing )

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