Everything in our lives is connected to the internet, so why not our toilets? Take a tour of Smart Pipe, the hot new tech startup that turns your waste into valuable …
[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]
>> HEY.
I'M SASCHA KEMMIS-POWERS,
AUTHOR, TV PERSONALITY, AND
SOCIAL-MEDIA INFLUENCER.
YOU GUYS HEARD OF "DISRUPT,"
RIGHT?
IT SOUNDS BAD, BUT IT'S ACTUALLY
GOOD.
IT JUST MEANS CHANGING THE GAME,
AND ONE OF THE HOTTEST DISRUPT
TECHNOLOGIES AROUND IS
SMART PIPE.
YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD OF THEM.
THEY GOT EVERYBODY TALKING.
BY KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT WE'RE
FLUSHING, WE'RE EMPOWERED IN
WAYS WE'VE NEVER BEEN BEFORE.
LUCKY ME, THE FOLKS HERE AT
SMART PIPE HAVE INVITED YOURS
TRULY TO TALK TO THE PEOPLE WHO
MAKE IT HAPPEN.
LET'S GO.
I'M HERE WITH SMART PIPE'S HEAD
OF PRODUCT, NOAH MARTIN.
HE'S RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING
SMART PIPE SO SMART.
FOR FOLKS WHO'VE BEEN LIVING
UNDER A ROCK, WHAT IS
SMART PIPE, AND WHY DO WE
WANT IT?
>> OKAY, WELL, LET ME ASK YOU A
QUESTION.
IF I HAD INFORMATION THAT COULD
SAVE YOUR LIFE OR THE LIFE OF
YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS, WOULD YOU
FLUSH THAT?
>> NO WAY.
>> BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING
EVERY TIME YOU DON'T USE
SMART PIPE.
SMART PIPE ATTACHES TO YOUR
EXISTING PLUMBING
INFRASTRUCTURE.
IT SCANS EVERYTHING THAT YOU
FLUSH.
THEN IT USES WHAT IT FINDS OUT
TO MAKE LIFE BETTER.
I MEAN, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS
INSTALL SMART PIPE, ATTACH THE
RECOGNITION DEVICE, KEEP IT
CONNECTED TO THE WIFI, AND
YOU'RE SET.
THE CONVENIENCE FACTOR ALONE
MAKES IT WORTHWHILE — AUTOMATIC
CLEANING, REMOTE FLUSHING, BEING
ABLE TO MONITOR WHO'S USING YOUR
PIPES FROM ANYWHERE.
IF SMART PIPE DETECTS SOMEONE IT
DOESN'T RECOGNIZE, YOU KNOW
INSTANTLY.
[ ELECTRONIC PINGING ]
>> NOW, THAT'S PEACE OF MIND.
>> AND IT'S NOT JUST REACTIVE.
IT'S PROACTIVE.
YOU EAT SOMETHING AND IT MAKES
YOU SICK.
SMART PIPE DETECTS THAT, TWEETS
IT AT HOSPITALS IN YOUR AREA,
AND THEN YOU GET THE TREATMENT
YOU NEED.
>> DIDN'T I SEE THAT SMART PIPE
HAS ALREADY SAVED MORE LIVES
THAN ALL DOCTORS THROUGHOUT
HISTORY COMBINED?
>> BY LETTING PRIVATE COMPANIES
AND OTHER INTERESTED PARTIES BID
ON YOUR WASTE PROFILE,
SMART PIPE IS AVAILABLE AT
NO COST TO USERS.
>> THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE
FREE, RIGHT, MY MAN?
>> [ CHUCKLES ] YOU SAID IT.
>> WOW. AMAZING STUFF.
OKAY, NOW FOR THE FUN PART.
TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE SOCIAL
SIDE OF THE BIZ, I TALKED TO
CHRISTINA DARNELL, THE
SMART PIPE COMMUNITY MANAGER.
WHEN WE SAY THAT SMART PIPE
BRINGS ALL YOUR PROFILES UNDER
ONE LID, TALK A LITTLE BIT ABOUT
THAT.
>> SO, WHEN YOU SYNC YOUR SOCIAL
MEDIA WITH SMART PIPE, IT
UPDATES YOUR WASTE STATUS ON ALL
OF YOUR ACCOUNTS AUTOMATICALLY.
AND YOU'RE ALSO GETTING UPDATES
FROM FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHO USE
SMART PIPE.
SO, THE MORE FRIENDS YOU HAVE,
THE MORE CONNECTED YOU ARE.
>> SO, I CAN "LIKE" ANYTHING
THAT PASSES THROUGH MY FRIEND'S
PIPES OR RE-PIPE IT TO MY
DOWNSTREAMERS.
>> YOU'RE ALWAYS CONNECTED.
OLD COLLEGE BUDDY HAVE A LOT OF
NIACIN IN HIS URINE?
GIVE HIM A LIKE!
YOU NOTICE THAT YOUR AUNT JUST
FLUSHED A BUNCH OF BLOOD AND
SEMEN?
CALL HER. FIND OUT WHAT'S UP.
>> BUT IT'S NOT ALL FUN AND
GAMES.
AT CHRISTINA'S FINGERTIPS IS A
PORTAL TO THE ENTIRE SMART PIPE
ECONOMY, WHERE YOUR SMART PIPE
DATA IS AUCTIONED OFF TO DRUG
COMPANIES, HOSPITALS, CORPORATE
HEADHUNTERS, SPECULATORS, AND
MORE.
YOU GOT THE KEYS TO THE KINGDOM!
>> [ CHUCKLES ] IT'S SO COOL.
WHEN YOU USE SMART PIPE, YOU
BECOME A PIECE OF VALUABLE,
SELLABLE INFORMATION.
>> THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A
SUPERHERO — INFO-MAN!
>> [ LAUGHS ]
>> AND THAT'S NOT JUST A WIN FOR
COMPANIES.
THE FACT THAT MY METADATA IS OUT
THERE IS GREAT FOR ME AS A USER.
LIKE WITH TARGETED ADS — I GET
TONS OF COUPONS FROM COOL
RESTAURANTS.
>> WE MAKE IT FUN AND EASY TO
STAY CONNECTED TO YOUR FAVORITE
BRANDS.
LIKE RIGHT NOW, ANY TIME THAT
SMART PIPE DETECTS FOOD
PARTICLES FROM RED ROBIN IN YOUR
WASTE, YOU EARN POINTS THAT CAN
BE REDEEMED FOR A FREE DIGITAL
POSTER FROM "THE HUNGER GAMES:
MOCKINGJAY — PART 1."
>> AWESOME.
THAT WILL GO GREAT IN MY DIGITAL
POSTER WALLET.
WHOA! YOU'RE SCOUT CONDOR!
>> [ Chuckling ] YEAH. HI.
>> BOOM, AND I'M STAR-STRUCK.
THIS IS SCOUT CONDOR.
SMART PIPE'S SOCIAL COMPONENT
HAS SPAWNED A WHOLE GENERATION
OF CELEBRITY PIPERS, AND RIGHT
NOW, SCOUT IS THE WORLD'S MOST
POPULAR SMART PIPE STAR.
WITH OVER 100,000 DOWNSTREAMERS,
IT'S TOUGH NOT TO GET A LITTLE
FLUSTERED.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> JUST USING THE PIPES.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
I STARTED GETTING POPULAR 'CAUSE
OF HOW FEW NITRATES ARE IN MY
STOOL.
PEOPLE WANTED TO KNOW HOW I
DID IT.
>> AND THE REST FLOWED FROM
THERE.
IT'S TOUGH TO KEEP TRACK OF ALL
YOUR ENDORSEMENT DEALS.
>> I KNOW. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT —
PROACTIV, DIET DR. PEPPER,
MAALOX, AND THAT'S JUST THIS
YEAR.
>> BEING FAMOUS ISN'T EASY.
>> THERE'S ALWAYS HATERS, BUT I
GET A TON OF SUPPORT FROM MY
PIPERS.
THAT'S WHAT KEEPS ME GOING.
>> GIVE IT UP, SCOUT.
[ SIGHS ]
I JUST USED A SMART PIPE AT
SMART PIPE.
HOW CRAZY IS THAT?
LET'S SEE HOW I DID.
[ CELLPHONE DINGS ]
VERY COOL.
ALL RIGHT, TIME TO MEET THE
PERSON WHO MADE THIS DREAM A
REALITY.
YOU'RE SMART PIPE C.E.O.
KIRK PECKLEY.
YOU STARTED A REVOLUTION, DUDE.
HOW DID YOU DO IT?
>> I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A
REVOLUTIONARY.
WE JUST HAD TO WAIT FOR THE
TECH TO CATCH UP.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
MY FATHER TAUGHT ME THE VALUE OF
HARD WORK AND BIG IDEAS.
BUT HE WAS IN THE UNION, AND SO
HE GREW LAZY AND WAS UNABLE TO
INNOVATE.
HE DIED.
>> THAT'S WHY YOU GO SO HARD ON
INNOVATION — IT'S PERSONAL FOR
YOU.
SO WHEN PEOPLE LIKE CONGRESSMAN
TAD MITCHELL STAND IN THE WAY OF
YOUR EFFORTS TO CHANGE THE
GAME —
>> YEAH. YOU'RE NOT WRONG.
I MEAN, WHAT DOES THIS LOOK LIKE
TO YOU?
>> UH, I DON'T KNOW.
THAT FROM THE SPACE TELESCOPE?
>> [ CHUCKLES ] YOU'RE NOT SURE.
ONE THING THAT'S CLEAR,
THOUGH — THAT'S NOT CHILD
PORNOGRAPHY.
>> HOW CAN THAT BE CHILD
PORNOGRAPHY?
I CAN'T EVEN TELL WHAT IT IS.
>> EXACTLY.
WHEN YOU LOG IN TO SMART PIPE, A
PATENTED RECOG DEVICE DOES READ
YOUR ANUS TO CONFIRM YOUR
IDENTITY.
ITS CCDs CONVERT LIGHT INTO
TEXT-BASED CODES, WHICH
REPRESENT YOUR UNIQUE
FINGERPRINT OF ANAL TERRAIN.
>> LIKE IN THE MOVIES.
BUT DOES THAT MEAN THAT IT TAKES
AN IMAGE OF YOUR ANUS?
>> IT'S MORE LIKE A LOCK-AND-KEY
MECHANISM THAT EMPLOYS YOUR
TOPOGRAPHICAL ANAL HANDSHAKE.
IT'S IMPORTANT FOR US TO BE ABLE
TO TIE YOU, THE USER, TO YOUR
SMART PIPE ACTIVITY.
IF A CHILD SITS DOWN ON A
SMART PIPE TOILET, WE NEED THE
FREEDOM TO HARVEST THE
INFORMATION REQUIRED TO MAKE
SMART PIPE WORK.
THAT MEANS, YES, A SCAN IS
PERFORMED ON THAT CHILD'S ANUS,
AND IDEALLY, THAT INFORMATION IS
TRANSMITTED ACROSS STATE LINES,
BUT WE CAN'T DO ANY OF THAT
UNTIL WE MODERNIZE OUR ANCIENT
CHILD PORNOGRAPHY LAWS.
>> THEY'RE OVERDUE FOR A REBOOT.
>> EXACTLY, AND CONGRESSMAN
MITCHELL, WHO CHAIRS THE HOUSE
SUBCOMMITTEE IN CHARGE OF THESE
LAWS, WON'T EVEN ALLOW OUR
PROPOSED LEGISLATION TO COME UP
FOR A VOTE.
>> SO, ONE MAN IS SUBVERTING THE
WILL OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE.
THAT'S NOT AMERICA.
>> HEY, LOOK, I'LL SAY IT.
I HATE CHILD PORNOGRAPHERS.
AND IF IT WERE UP TO ME, THEY'D
ALL GET THE CHAIR.
>> ALL RIGHT, MY MAN.
WOW. I'VE LEARNED SO MUCH TODAY.
BUT I STILL GOT QUESTIONS, LIKE
IF SMART PIPE ISN'T DOING
ANYTHING WRONG, THEN WHY ARE
THEY THE ONLY CORPORATION TO
EVER BE OFFICIALLY DESIGNATED AS
A SEX OFFENDER?
IT SEEMS DECIDEDLY UNCOOL TO ME.
>> I'D BE THRILLED TO ADDRESS
ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU MIGHT
HAVE ABOUT SMART PIPE'S STATUS
AS A SEX OFFENDER.
>> YOU'RE ANDREW GOLDMAN, THE
IN-HOUSE COUNSEL FOR SMART PIPE.
>> THE FACT IS THAT SMART PIPE
WAS OPERATING WITHOUT INCIDENT
FOR SEVERAL MONTHS WHEN THERE
WAS A GOVERNMENT INQUIRY AND WE
WERE FORCED TO CEASE SERVICES
AND RE-EXAMINE OUR OPTIONS.
>> HOW COULD THE GOVERNMENT GET
IT SO WRONG?
>> FORTUNATELY, THERE WAS A
SOLUTION.
SMART PIPE NOW STORES ALL
METADATA IN A SECURE OFFSHORE
SERVER.
>> THIS IS THE BARGE?
>> THE BARGE IS A 500-TON
PALLADIUM CRAFT WHICH HOUSES
OVER ONE MILLION EXABYTES OF
SERVER SPACE.
IT'S COMPLETELY IMPENETRABLE TO
PIRATES OR FOREIGN NAVIES, OWING
TO ITS 100% SPHERICAL
CONSTRUCTION.
>> IT'S SO ROUND THAT BULLETS
AND LADDERS JUST GLANCE RIGHT
OFF OF IT.
>> EXACTLY.
>> SO COOL!
WELL, WHERE IS IT NOW?
>> IT'S NOT IN SMART PIPE'S
INTEREST TO KNOW WHERE IT IS.
OF COURSE, WE DO GET REPORTS OF
SIGHTINGS, BUT IF WE KNEW WHERE
IT WAS, WE'D BE OPENING
OURSELVES UP TO ALL SORTS OF
REGULATORY HASSLES, WHEN, IN
FACT, THE ONLY ENTITY WITH FULL,
UNFETTERED ACCESS TO YOUR ANAL
TOPOGRAPHY IS A ROBOT.
>> THERE'S A ROBOT ON THE SHIP?
>> HE'S THE CAPTAIN.
I SEE YOU'VE MET ANDREW.
>> YEAH, HE'S CATCHING ME UP TO
SPEED ON ALL THE HOOPS YOU HAVE
TO JUMP THROUGH BECAUSE OF OUR
BROKEN CONGRESS.
>> NOW, THINK HOW EXPENSIVE IT
IS TO MAINTAIN ALL THIS — THE
BARGE, THE SATELLITE, THE ROBOT
CAPTAIN.
I MEAN, COMPARED TO A SERVER
FARM IN ARIZONA, IT'S
ASTRONOMICAL.
BUT THAT'S WHAT THE GOVERNMENT
WANTS.
THEY WANT SMART PIPE TO FAIL.
>> IT'S FUNNY THAT CONGRESS IS
SO HUNG UP ON THIS.
I MEAN, THE FOUNDING FATHERS
DIDN'T EVEN HAVE PIPES.
>> THAT'S A GREAT POINT.
I MEAN, THEY WERE DEFECATING
INTO OPEN TRENCHES, AND MILLIONS
OF THEM DIED FROM CHOLERA.
IT'S TIME TO SAY NO TO
PRO-DEATH OBSTRUCTIONISM.
GET ONLINE. SIGN THE PETITION.
CALL MITCHELL'S OFFICE AND
ACTIVELY HARASS HIS STAFF.
TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THE IMAGES
WE ARE SENDING ACROSS STATE
LINES DO NOT, IN FACT,
CONSTITUTE CHILD PORNOGRAPHY,
I'VE BROUGHT IN DAVID TINSKY.
DAVID IS A REGISTERED SEX
OFFENDER AND CONFESSED
PEDOPHILE.
HE'S IN TREATMENT.
>> THAT'S GREAT TO HEAR.
>> WE'RE GONNA BE SHOWING DAVID
AN IMAGE OF MY OWN CHILD'S
SMART PIPE ANAL TOPOGRAPHICAL
SIGNATURE AND, USING
STATE-OF-THE-ART FACIAL HEAT
MAPPING, TRACK HIS AROUSAL.
THAT WAY, WE'LL KNOW ONCE AND
FOR ALL WHETHER OR NOT
SMART PIPE IS A BOON TO
PEDOPHILES.
>> I RESPECT HOW MUCH YOU'RE
PERSONALLY WILLING TO PUT ON THE
LINE FOR SMART PIPE.
LET'S SHOW HIM THE PHOTO.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
GREAT JOB.
>> YOUR ANUS IS THE KEY TO
YOUR FUTURE.
DON'T LET THE GOVERNMENT TAKE
THAT KEY AWAY FROM YOU.
RECLAIM YOUR ANUS.
IT'S MY ANUS, AND I'M NOT
ASHAMED OF IT.
>> IT'S MY ANUS, AND IT'S WHO I
AM.
>> IT'S MY ANUS, AND IT'S WHAT
MAKES ME, ME.
>> IT'S MY ANUS, AND I'M PROUD
OF IT.
>> IT'S MY ANUS, AND IT'S THE
PORTAL TO A BEAUTIFUL, NEW
FUTURE.
[ TOILET FLUSHING ]

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