Every film nerd loves The Big Lebowski. What if “The Dude” didn’t just act like a first grader… but WAS a first grader? This week kids swede “The Dude” meeting …
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\f0\fs24 \cf0 THE BIG LEBOWSKI\
\
LEBOWSKI\
Okay sir, you're a Lebowski, I'm a Lebowski,
that's terrific, I'm very\
busy so what can I do for you?\
\
He wheels himself behind a desk.\
as Brandt withdraws.\
\
DUDE\
Well sir, it's this rug I have, really tied
the room together-\
\
LEBOWSKI\
You told Brandt on the phone, he told me.\
\
DUDE\
Well they were looking for you, these two
guys, they were trying to–\
\
LEBOWSKI\
I'll say it again, all right?\
what happened. Yes? Yes?\
\
DUDE\
So you know they were trying to piss on your
rug–\
\
LEBOWSKI\
Did I urinate on your rug?\
\
DUDE\
You mean, did you personally come and pee
on my–\
\
LEBOWSKI\
Hello! Do you speak English?\
Did I urinate on your rug?\
\
DUDE\
Well no, like I said, Woo peed on the rug–\
\
LEBOWSKI\
Hello! Hello! So every time\'97I just want
to understand this, sir-\
-\
every time a rug is micturated upon in this\
fair city, I have to\
compensate the–\
\
DUDE\
Come on, man, I'm not trying to scam anybody
here, I'm just\'97\
\
LEBOWSKI\
You're just looking for a handout like every
other–are you employed,\
Mr. Lebowski?\
\
DUDE\
Look, let me explain something. I'm not Mr.
Lebowski; you're Mr.\
Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you
call me. That, or\
Duder. His Dudeness. Or El Duderino, if, you
know, you're not into\
the whole brevity thing–\
\
The Dude sits facing him\
\
So where do I fit in?\
\
You told Brandt.\
\
He told me.\
\
I know\
\
Parla usted Inglese?\
\
I'll say it again.\
\
LEBOWSKI\
Are you employed, sir?\
\
DUDE\
Employed?\
\
LEBOWSKI\
You don't go out and make a living dressed
like that in the middle of a\
weekday.\
\
DUDE\
Is this a–what day is this?\
\
LEBOWSKI\
But I do work, so if you don't mind–\
\
DUDE\
No, look. I do mind. The Dude minds. This
will not stand, ya know,\
this will not stand, man. I mean, if your
wife owes–\
\
LEBOWSKI\
My wife is not the issue here. I hope that
my wife will someday learn\
to live on her allowance, which is ample,
but if she doesn't, sir, that\
will be her problem, not mine, just as your
rug is your problem, just\
as every bum's lot in life is his own responsibility
regardless of whom\
he chooses to blame. I didn't blame anyone
for the loss of my legs,\
some chinaman in Korea took them from me but
I went out and achieved\
anyway. I can't solve your problems, sir,
only you can.\
\
The Dude rises.\
\
DUDE\
Ah flip it.\
\
LEBOWSKI\
Sure! Flip it! That's your answer! Tattoo
it on your forehead!\
answer to everything!\
\
The Dude is heading for the door.\
\
LEBOWSKI\
Your "revolution" is over, Mr. Lebowski!\
lost!\
\
As the Dude opens the door.\
\
LEBOWSKI\
…My advice is, do what your parents did!
Get a job, sir! The bums\
will always lose– do you hear me, Lebowski?
THE BUMS WILL ALWAYS–\
\
Your\
\
Condolences!\
\
The bums}

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