If you’ve been struggling with a low libido, this video’s for you. We’re talking about the best ways to increase your sex drive, both on your own and with a partner.
Vanessa Marin:
So I have a confession to make.
Xander Marin:
Oh boy.
Vanessa Marin:
I have had periods of my life where I have
had a really low sex drive.
Xander Marin:
Well, I have a confession to make too. I've
also had periods of my life where I've had
low sex drive.
Vanessa Marin:
It really should not be this challenging to
admit this because the truth is that almost
everyone will experience low sex drive at
some point in their lives between stress,
busy schedules, kids, relationship struggles,
medications, health concerns. You should never
feel ashamed for having a low sex drive because
it's pretty much inevitable.
Xander Marin:
Yeah.
Vanessa Marin:
I know from personal and from professional
experience that it can be really scary to
notice your sex drive decrease or even feel
like it vanishes altogether, but do not worry.
You are not doomed to a lifetime of low desire
and lackluster sex. Increasing your sex drive
is possible.
So, Hey, there we are Vanessa and Xander Marin.
If we have never met yet, we are married.
We have been together since 2007 and our mission
is to equip you with the tools that you need
to create an extraordinary relationship inside
of the bedroom and out.
So I am a licensed psychotherapist specializing
in sex and relationships. I've spent the last
15 years working with thousands of people
and have served as a featured expert for the
New York Times, the Oprah magazine, Real Simple
and many. many more.
Xander Marin:
I'm her husband. I used to work a pretty normal
job you could say, in the corporate world,
but I started seeing how much of an impact
Vanessa was having on people's lives with
her work. And I decided I needed to join in
so that we could reach even more people. Being
married to a sex therapist has its perks,
and I picked up some pretty good insight into
what does and doesn't work in relationships.
I also just like sharing real life stories
from our own relationship that hopefully can
have a positive impact on you.
In this video, we're going to walk you through
six steps to increase your libido starting
today.
Vanessa Marin:
Today.
Xander Marin:
You're going to walk away feeling ready and
empowered to take your sex life into your
own hands and get your libido to where you
want it to be.
Vanessa Marin:
Okay, so before we get any further, I have
to say that this video is not about quick
fixes. I get asked so many questions about
libido and everyone wants to know what is
the fastest way that I can increase my libido.
Everyone wants a magic pill or a secret aphrodisiac,
or that one little trick to try in the bedroom
that will give you a sky-high sex drive immediately.
I totally understand that impulse myself.
When I was going through my own sex drive
struggles, I just wanted to be able to press
a button and have my sex drive dramatically
increase.
Xander Marin:
Who doesn't?
Vanessa Marin:
Of course, but unfortunately there is no magic
pill for libido. There is no little secret
bedroom trick, aphrodisiacs. If you like eating
them, eat them, but they're not going to increase
your sex drive. So the truth is that while
you definitely can increase your libido, it
can take time.
So in this video, we're going to be sharing
with you real and lasting solutions to your
sex drive challenges that we have tried ourselves,
that I have tried with thousands of clients.
So yes, these techniques are going to take
a bit more time than popping a pill or eating
an oyster, but they are going to work. So
if you are looking for a quick fix, this video
is not for you, but please don't waste your
time on any of that BS and any of your money
on something that says it's going to give
you an immediate sex drive boost.
Xander Marin:
The good news is, all these things you can
start today.
Vanessa Marin:
Yes, absolutely.
Xander Marin:
So if you're like most people, you probably
think of your sex drive like one of your physical
traits. It's part of you, it's who you are,
you don't have much control over it. Just
like you can't make yourself grow taller or-
Vanessa Marin:
I wish I could.
Xander Marin:
… have your feet shrink, you can't change
your sex drive, right? No.
Vanessa Marin:
Yeah, that's what most people think.
Xander Marin:
Yeah, the truth is that you have a natural
range that your sex drive can fluctuate within.
It's not a fixed value, especially not forever.
Vanessa Marin:
Yeah. I think a lot of people think of sex
drive like, as if you could give it a number
on a 1 to 10 scale, and, my sex drive is an
eight or my sex drive is that from now to
eternity, I always will want sex three times
per week, but it's just not the case. Your
sex drive is constantly changing.
Xander Marin:
Your sex drive is affected by so many different
aspects of your life. Like your physical health,
your mental state of mind, your emotional
wellbeing, your own relationship with sex
and the status of your relationship.
Vanessa Marin:
So over the course of working with thousands
of people on their sex drives, I actually
created a model of sex drive that I called
the five foundations model. The things that
Xander just listed are the five foundations,
physical, mental, emotional, sexual, and relational.
So these are the five categories of factors
that are most likely to impact your sex drive.
Where you are in your particular range of
sex drive is a gauge of your wellbeing. So
if your sex drive is currently on the lower
end of your range, that's a sign that something
is going on in your life that's preventing
you from feeling your full desire potential.
It's a sign that your healthy body is having
a healthy reaction to a potentially unhealthy
situation. It's a sign that there's something
going on in your life that you can and should
take a look at.
Your libido is really sensitive and it can
get affected by so many different factors
like we've said, but the interesting thing
to notice is that almost all of these factors
are within your control. So if you don't take
charge, those other dynamics are going to
jump in and steer your sex drive for you,
but you can get in the driver's seat and take
the wheel. You can control your sex drive.
You can make conscious decisions and choices
to create the sex drive that you want to have.
Xander Marin:
All right, so let's get into those six steps.
Step one, for increasing your sex drive is
to determine what your sex drive type is.
Vanessa Marin:
Yes. Did you know that there are actually
two very different sex drive types?
Xander Marin:
I did, but you ain't look at the camera.
Vanessa Marin:
Most people have no idea that these two different
types exists, that finding out what your individual
sex drive type is and what type your partner
is, is crucial in helping you understand your
libido struggles, increase your sex drive
and just have a more active and satisfying
sex life.
This is really important stuff so we have
created an entire guide called What's Your
Sex Drive Type? that will help you identify
your type, learn exactly what your type needs
to get turned on, because it's very different
for the two types. In the description box,
we've included a link to get this guide absolutely
free. We think that you just might be surprised
to find out what your type is and your partner's,
but just to give you a quick sneak peak, the
two types are spontaneous and responsive.
So there are two ways that we get turned on;
in our heads that's desire, and in our bodies
that's arousal. So desire happens on a mental
level. You're mentally interested in having
sex, you're thinking about it, it just sounds
good to you. Arousal happens on a physiological
level. So it's when your body gets physically
ready for sex. So for female-bodied folks,
that includes things like getting wet, your
nipples getting hard, your heart rate increasing,
and your skin starting to flesh. For male
body people, it means getting an erection,
your nipples getting hard, and your testicles
actually move closer to your body.
So desire and arousal sound pretty similar,
but they work independently of each other.
Sometimes they can even work in opposite directions.
So the two sex drive types boil down to where
you feel arousal first, in your head or in
your body. You have to know how this works
for you, which is why we really want you to
go download that free guide.
Xander Marin:
Okay, so let's get into step two for increasing
your sex drive. So that is determine what
puts you in reverse and what puts you into
drive? So if you want to feel more desire
on a regular basis, one of the best things
to do to boost your libido is to find out
ways to bring more stimuli into your life,
especially if you're a responsive type. This
is great news because it's something specific
that you can actually do. You don't have to
sit around waiting and hoping that that desire
is just going to pop out of nowhere, because
hint, it's not.
Vanessa Marin:
Nope.
Xander Marin:
You get to focus on bringing more pleasure
and sensation into your life.
Vanessa Marin:
So let's talk about that stimuli. We like
to think of libido as having a drive mode
and a reverse mode. It's a pretty straightforward
metaphor. Drive mode includes the things that
actively get you going and reverse mode includes
the things that get in the way of you feeling
desire. So first let's talk about what can
put you into reverse.
Xander Marin:
Wait, but I want to go into drive.
Vanessa Marin:
We'll get to that in a second. So in general,
anything that puts you into reverse are things
that make it difficult to get aroused, prevent
you from getting aroused or even make you
actively disinterested in sex. So like Xander
just hinted, when we talk about libido, most
people want to know what they need to do to
slam it right into drive. But in our experience,
it's more important for you to focus on how
you can get yourself out of reverse first.
That's because the things that put you in
reverse actively prevent you from wanting
sex. It's hard to feel desire if you have
active blockages in your way.
So you are going to have so much more success
if you remove the barriers to getting turned
on first, then focus on getting turned on
second. It's just like the car metaphor that
we're using here. You can't go into drive
unless you get yourself out of reverse first.
Xander Marin:
So some of the things that typically pull
you into reverse are being tired, full, I
think everyone's experienced that one after
a huge meal.
Vanessa Marin:
Yeah, especially if you go to a big fancy
date night and then you think you're supposed
to be intimate afterwards.
Xander Marin:
Not going to happen. So worrying about your
appearance, your partner initiating sex in
a way that maybe you didn't like, feeling
stressed or pressured by whatever, worrying
about your performance in bed, focusing on
other things like chores or your to-do list,
feeling guilty or ashamed about sex, and plenty
of other things too.
Now, let's address the things that might put
you into drive. So some typical factors are
having energy, feeling confident, being attracted
to your partner, wanting to connect with your
partner, the atmosphere feeling sexy.
Vanessa Marin:
That's a really big one.
Xander Marin:
Oh yeah.
Vanessa Marin:
If it just feels like the mood is right, you've
got a good environment set up, that tends
to get people going.
Xander Marin:
Yeah, messy room? Not going to do it. Having
the time to have sex that also helps, feeling
good about your body, you get the point, all
these positive things. Understanding all the
potential factors that could be affecting
your desire for sex in any given moment is
a crucial part to kickstart your libido journey.
Vanessa Marin:
Okay. So that brings us on to step three for
increasing your sex drive, which is to decrease
your stress levels. So did you know that stress
is the number one killer of sex lives far
and away? So let's think about what stress
actually is. When you're stressed out, your
body actually thinks that it is under attack.
You've heard the phrase fight or flight, right?
That's your body preparing for some sort of
imminent danger. Your body is deciding whether
it's safer to stay and fight or to leave and
take flight.
So during stress, your body releases a hormone
called cortisol and cortisol slows down other
functions in the body that are deemed unnecessary
in the moment so that your body can focus
all of its energy and attention on protecting
itself from this attack. Libido is one of
those unnecessary functions. If your body
is in imminent danger, if you are under attack,
there is no reason why you should also need
to be wildly turned on.
Xander Marin:
Or at the very least, we would not have survived
as a species if that were the case.
Vanessa Marin:
No, we have to think about our caveman ancestors.
If you're actually being chased by a wooly
mammoth, having an erection would actually
be a big impediment to running away quickly.
So it just doesn't make any sense for us to
be turned on when we actually are under attack.
The thing with cortisol is that it is great
if you actually are in danger in that moment,
because your body is able to shut down all
of these other functions and it focuses on
being alert, prepared, and strong. You could
save your life literally, but when there is
not an actual danger and when your body is
constantly in that state of high tension,
which is the case for most of us, those cortisol
levels are extremely detrimental to your libido.
Your libido stays turned off rather than just
temporarily shut down.
Xander Marin:
Stress not only destroys our libidos, but
also impacts our relationships, our health,
our happiness, and almost every aspect of
our lives. Two thirds of doctor's visits in
the US are actually due to stress-related
complaints. Half of all Americans, half, say
they've experienced extreme stress in the
past year and 25%, one in four Americans say
they experienced extreme stress in the past
month.
Vanessa Marin:
The terrible part about these numbers is that
these are pre-COVID numbers, so it's likely
that they are way higher right now.
Xander Marin:
Oh yeah. Stress can also manifest into other
conditions as well like anxiety, depression,
sleep disorders, heart disease, ulcers, digestive
issues, chronic pain, diabetes, weight gain.
Vanessa Marin:
The list goes on.
Xander Marin:
Yeah. All of these things can throw a total
wrench in your sex life.
Vanessa Marin:
That's not even to mention the emotional impacts
of stress. Being stressed is a horrible experience
in and of itself. I have never met a person
who enjoyed being stressed. When you're constantly
under stress, it's like you can actually feel
that sense of imminent danger all the time.
Stress just feels like it sucks all the life
out of you, and those emotional impacts affect
our sex lives too of course. So, when you're
feeling stressed out, do you feel like having
sex? Do you feel emotionally available to
yourself, your partner? To intimacy? For most
of us, the answer is no.
Stress also has a way of making us feel very
alone. So whenever I'm talking to couples
who are both under a lot of stress, they almost
always talk about feeling alone in that stress.
Even if they're in the exact same situation,
trying to deal with it together, they tend
to feel like they're going at it by themselves.
Then they'll nitpick about the subtle ways
that stress is affecting them differently.
It's just really hard to feel like a team.
Xander Marin:
Okay, so we all know that stress is bad for
us, but the reality is, very few of us actually
take steps to go reduce that stress. The fact
that stress has even been glamorized in society
really does not help us. Think about how often
you meet up with a friend and they brag, "Oh
my God. I've just been so busy with work this
week," as if it's like a badge of pride. We've
gotten so used to being constantly stressed
that we think this is just the way it's supposed
to be, but it's not. You can make active efforts
to decrease stress and the odds are, you probably
already know the things that will decrease
stress for you. You're probably just not doing
them. Things like eating well, sleeping enough,
spending time with loved ones, moving your
body in a way that feels good, journaling,
meditating, or praying. We know it can be
hard to carve out time in your day for yourself,
but understanding that this can also lead
to having a higher sex drive just might give
you a little extra motivation.
Vanessa Marin:
Just might be the motivation you need to actually
take action on the things that you know you
should be doing.
All right. Step four for increasing your sex
drive is to get your head in the right place.
Now for so many people, it just feels like
there's too much going on in your head to
even think about sex in the first place. It
might feel like sex never naturally comes
to mind, or it might feel like you're constantly
battling distracting thoughts in the moment
when you're trying to be intimate with your
partner. Sometimes it can feel like our brain
is our sex life's worst enemy.
Fortunately it does not have to be that way.
Your brain can be on your side with boosting
your sex drive. Your brain can help you feel
present, focused and engaged with your partner.
Xander Marin:
One of our favorite tips for boosting sex
drive is to make a commitment to actively
think about sex throughout the day. You can
think about past sexual experiences, fantasies
you have, steamy movie scenes, whatever feels
exciting to you. Now, this is probably the
point where you might be thinking to yourself
about that word we've been using. Naturally.
You may be thinking, "But I just want it to
happen naturally." Most of us want sex to
just pop into our heads without any effort
whatsoever. But here's the thing, desire is
not something that just happens naturally
on a consistent basis. Desire is a choice,
and if you've been struggling to feel desire,
you're going to have to push yourself to think
about sex even when you don't feel like it.
We want you to choose to bring sex into your
thoughts instead of just sitting around, waiting
for it to happen. So that's why we encourage
you to make the choice to think about sex,
even when you have a million other things
on your mind, even when it doesn't come to
mind naturally.
Vanessa Marin:
So there's a special trick that you can use
to take this technique a step further, and
that is to anticipate great sex. So to explain
what I mean, I first have to tell you about
dopamine. So I'm going to science geek out
on you for a second.
Dopamine is a hormone that functions as a
neurotransmitter. So basically it's a messenger
that sends signals to other nerve cells. Dopamine
is released when you experience pleasure.
It's what makes us feel good, but dopamine
doesn't just make you feel good after the
fact, it's also involved in motivation. So
research has found that the anticipation of
pleasure increases the level of dopamine in
the brain. You don't have to be feeling pleasure
in the moment, you just have to be anticipating
it. Actually, you release much more dopamine
by anticipating pleasure than you do by actually
experiencing pleasure.
Research has found that the brain actually
has more space dedicated to wanting something
then to liking something. So anticipating
that something is going to feel good often
feels even better than the actual enjoyment
of that thing.
So in one of these studies, this was super
interesting, the researchers worked with gamblers
who were using slot machines. So you might
think that the dopamine levels would be the
highest when the person wants some money.
There's nothing more pleasurable than free
money, right? But dopamine was actually highest
when the person was pulling the handle on
the slot machine.
Xander Marin:
And probably most times not winning.
Vanessa Marin:
Yes. So them anticipating winning money was
more pleasurable to the brain than actually
winning the money.
Xander Marin:
All right. All right. But how is this actually
related to sex?
Vanessa Marin:
All of that anticipatory dopamine signals
to the brain that an activity is worth doing
so it dramatically increases motivation to
do that activity. Super simple language, anticipating
something that will be enjoyable actually
makes you feel more motivated to do it.
So, to tie this back to sex, simply by anticipating
that you're going to have great sex, you will
feel a dramatic increase in your desire to
be intimate. So if you want to get in the
mood, here's all you have to do. Visualize
yourself having great sex with your partner.
That is it. It takes just a few minutes, hardly
any effort. Thank you, dopamine.
Now, the key with this trick is to be as detailed
and specific as you can. So it can really
help to spend some time beforehand thinking
about what good sex really means to you. So
some questions that you can think about include,
what are your favorite parts of sex? What
does it feel like in the middle of sex or
after sex? What are the positive benefits
of sex? What is it like for you to be truly
intimate with your partner?
Xander Marin:
All right. So moving on step number five for
increasing your sex drive is to improve your
relationship with your body. How you feel
about your body has been directly tied to
how much desire you feel for sex, how often
you initiate sex, how much you enjoy sex when
you do have it, and even how likely you are
to have an orgasm. You can probably guess
the direction of the relationship. The worse
you feel about your body, the less likely
you are to desire sex, enjoy it, or have orgasms.
The better you feel about your body, the more
likely.
Vanessa Marin:
Now, we are willing to bet that you don't
have the greatest relationship with your body.
The reason that we say that is because most
people, unfortunately don't. Most of us have
really high standards for and expectations
of our bodies. We tend to guilt or bully our
bodies into losing or gaining weight, working
more, going without sleep and wanting sex.
We're rally, really tough on our bodies.
Not only do we have all these of our bodies
to perform in the specific ways that we want
them to perform, we also want them to do so
without any support or care on our part. So
I have a question to ask yourself right now.
Can you think of something kind that you do
for your body on an ongoing basis? Seriously,
try to think of an answer right now. If you're
like most people it's really hard to come
up with an answer.
Now, the even more sad thing about all of
this is that bullying your body just does
not work. It's not effective, and it makes
you feel absolutely miserable. I mean, think
about it when it comes to sex, have you ever
successfully guilted or bullied your body
into genuinely desiring sex? Just doesn't
work that way.
Xander Marin:
Instead, you have to take the exact opposite
approach. If you want to feel the desire for
sex, it has to start with developing a better
relationship with your body. Here's the interesting
thing, how your body looks has no relation
to your ability to desire sex or your ability
to enjoy sex. Being 20 pounds heavier than
you want to be, or having thick thighs in
and of itself, is not going to lower your
sex drive or make it difficult to enjoy sex.
It's certainly not going to affect the quality
of your orgasm, but it's your feelings about
your body that really matter.
So that's great news because you can change
your feelings about your body without changing
your body itself. You don't have to wait until
you lose 20 pounds. You don't even need to
lose 20 pounds in order to feel more desire
or more enjoyment. You just need to change
your feelings about your body.
Vanessa Marin:
Okay, so we know that you might be thinking
right now, easier said than done. So I just
want to say I get it. I know Xander gets it
too. We're just like every other person out
there. We have hangups about our bodies too.
So I have parts of my body that I don't like
looking at. I have days that I feel bloated,
lumpy and flabby just like everyone else.
But the important thing to remember is that
perfection is not the goal here. Just like
your body doesn't need to look perfect, you
don't need to have a perfect relationship
with your body so it's okay to have good days
and bad days. The important thing is that
you make a consistent effort to develop a
healthier relationship with your body.
So, in step number three, we talked about
decreasing your stress levels. The cool thing
is that the things that you do to decrease
stress also tend to help you feel more connected
to your body. So things like walking on the
beach, masturbating, taking a bath. So you
can often kill two birds with one stone.
Xander Marin:
Convenient.
Vanessa Marin:
Very convenient.
Xander Marin:
Which brings us to step six for increasing
your sex drive, and that is to get sensual.
If you want to have a higher sex drive, you
have to have sex that's worth desiring. So
many people don't understand the connection
between the quality of the sex that you're
having and your desire for sex.
Vanessa Marin:
This is so important, and so many people do
not get this.
Xander Marin:
That's such a crucial mistake because the
connection between them is so strong. If you're
having sex that's painful, routine, unenjoyable,
disconnected, or just straight up boring,
there is no way that you're going to also
crave sex. Who would? It just doesn't make
any sense.
But on the other hand, if you have sex that's
pleasurable, exciting, connected, novel, you're
definitely going to crave it because it's
something that's actually craveable.
Vanessa Marin:
So, if you want to boost your sex drive, you
have to work on having higher quality sex,
sex that is worthy of your desire, sex that
is worthy of craving. So if you're in a relationship,
a great starting place is simply to include
more touch on a daily basis. It doesn't even
need to be overtly sexual, but increasing
the amount of touch that you have in any given
day helps prepare your body and your brain
for the possibility of intimacy later in the
day.
Another really good tip is to deemphasize
intercourse and start thinking about sex as
a menu of options, a whole variety of options
that you get to choose from. So approaching
sex in this way can make sex feel so much
more accessible, especially when you're struggling
to feel desire in the first place. The bar
isn't set so high, a simple makeout session
could be enough to fill all of your desires
for connection and could make you start to
want even more. You may also find that by
not defaulting to your old reliable standard,
you end up feeling like there's so much more
room for exploration and pleasure.
Xander Marin:
So, that wraps up our ultimate guide to increasing
your sex drive. If you liked this video, please
give it a like or comment down below if this
information has helped you. We'd really love
to know if it's something you've struggled
with before, and please make sure you subscribe
to our YouTube channel for more free resources.
Vanessa Marin:
And we have a little gift for you. Like we
mentioned earlier, if you want to figure out
what your sex drive type is and what your
partner's sex drive type is, seriously, you
need to know this. Make sure to download our
free guide, What's Your Sex Drive Type? It
includes a complete breakdown of both types
with tips for how to navigate your sex life
according to your type and how to fire up
your sex drive. Make sure to click the link
in the description box to download. Thanks
for watching.
Xander Marin:
See you next time.
Vanessa Marin:
Bye. So make sure to click the link.
Xander Marin:
You ain't look at the camera.

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