Titus Andronicus – Hot Pepper Theater Classics
5 acts. 1 pepper. WHO WILL SURVIVE? Follow us on Twitter @butthurtreviews! Follow Todd Backus on Twitter @tbbackus!
Hello, My name is Todd Backus and I'm here
with Hot Pepper Theater.
I just reread the classic play Titus Andronicus by Shakespeare and I'm gonna review the script, but first
I'm gonna eat this pepper.
It is a habanero and it's gonna make my butt hurt.
[General unpleasant mumbling.]
Oh I totally just lost some pepper.
Oh, this is way worse than I thought.
It is like fire in my mouth.
And it's still in my mouth.
[The Entertainer plays]
[Todd coughs a lot and says Hoo a number of
It just won't go down.
Oh this is awful.
A habanero by any other name would still suck.
Oh I am crying and sweating.
And my ears are on fire and I hate this.
just came home from war. [burp]
And Saturninus and Bassianus, the emperor's sons,
are being dicks, because-
The emperor died a little bit ago and no one
knows who's gonna succeed him.
OH MY GOD THIS IS AWFUL.
Um, and, [labored breathing] Titus returns
and everyone is like, "We want Titus for Emperor!"
And [more labored breathing] Um. Titus is
like, "I'm old as balls, that's not a good idea.
Saturninus should be because he's the
Um, so. [The Entertainer plays]
[burp] I want to vomit.
[The Entertainer plays some more]
He just fought the Goths, and he gives Tamora,
Queen of the Goths to Saturninus, but not
before sacrificing one of her sons in honor
of his sons who died in the war, and she's
like, "I'm gonna make everything about your
life suck.", and he's like, "That was an aside.
I didn't hear you." Um, and.
Uh, her sons fall in love with Lavinia, Titus's daughter- his only daughter,
who gets married to Bassianus-
Hoo, oh my god.
And, um, they're like, "We're gonna rape her
'cause that's a great idea."
And her mom- their mom is like, "Fucking do
it 'cause he's a dick."
I want- to drown myself in milk.
Um. [labored breathing] So, everyone decides
to go hunting one day. And Saturninus and
Bassianus are like, "Everything's cool, everything's
fine we don't hate each other anymore, but
we totally do."
And, um, they lure Lavinia to this hole in
the woods and they stab Bassianus
and throw him in the hole, and then Tamora's like, "Go
to boys, have fun, rape her." And she's like,
"If you were a woman you wouldn't let this
happen." And she's like, "Fuck women. Your dad's a dick.
And I cried for my sons and
you're crying right now and I don't give a fuck."
So, they rape her and cut off her arms,
and they cut out her tongue and, um, they
also blame two of Titus's sons for the murder
of Bassianus, so, um, Titus is like, pleading
with the emperor to not have his sons killed,
and he's like, "They were framed, they were framed."
[unintelligible sounds of pain]
Um. And. Hoo- It's getting a little better.
Um [burp] Aaah.
Umm, So Aaron, the moor, which is Elizabethan
for "black dude" Um, comes to Titus
and he's like, "Hey, the emperor said if you give me
your hand he'll give you your sons."
And then he's like, "I'm totally lying" and Titus can't
hear him. And, [breathing]
So he cuts offhis hand, gives it to Aaron, and like two
minutes later a messenger comes back with
his hand and he's like, "I'm sorry dude, I
don't know why you did this, also here are
your sons heads." Which is terrible and awful
and then like, right after that he finds out
about Lavinia [burp] um [burp] uh AAAH! And
Lavinia's tongue's been cut out and her hands
are cut off so like she can't say anything
about how she got raped, or if she got raped,
or, like, who killed her husband, or if her
brothers are guilty, I don't know. And. So.
Hoo [coughing] Oh, it's getting better. Um,
[quick breathing] Um, so,
a couple of years later- like an act later,
but like, years later, uh, Lavinia realizes
that if she puts a stick in her mouth and
like, uses her hands, she can write in the
sand, because apparently she has never heard
of a foot before or like, her stump arm, or
anything. And, like, yeah she's uneducated
and stupid, but WHATEVER. It's not important.
So she's like, I was raped by Tamora's sons
and they killed my husband and
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. [burp]
And Titus is like,
"We will get revenge on them." Umm, so, he
starts enacting an elaborate plan to make
that happen- Oh my god I'm never doing a show
with five acts again. And [cough] um, so- uugh,
at the palace, um Tamora has just had her
first child and everyone's all like, "Woo,
this is exciting." And then the nurse comes
in and she's like, "This is awful." and her
sons are like, "Why, we have a brother."
And they're like, "He's BLACK!" and they're like
[gasping noise] and they look at Aaron
and they're like [gasping noise] and they're like,
"You have undone our mother!" And he's like,
"Villains I have done thy mother." Which is
like, the best 'I fucked your mom joke in Shakespeare.'
and it's great, and- Uuugh.
So, he decides to sneak off with the baby
and they like, kill the nurse and stuff, and,
MEANWHILE- in the background one of Titus's
sons who got exhiled because his other sons
were dicks, um, he's been raising this army
of Goths, and nobody in Rome likes Saturninus,
so he's gonna, like, beat the shit out of
Saturninus and then take over the throne,
and Saturninus is like, the only thing that
will stop this is if we have peace talks at
Titus's. And everyone's like, this is a great
idea, let's do this. And Tamora thinking something's
up decides that she and her sons will go to
Titus, who is now deemed crazy, and they will
pretend to be Revenge, Rape, and Murder. And
they're going to help him, like, vanquish
his enemies. And he's like, "Oh, thank you.
Go kill the queen." And she's like, "I'm not
the queen." And he's like, "You're totally
the queen." and she's like, "No, I'm Revenge."
And he's like, "You are Revenge. I'll trust
you. But, the only way I'll trust you is if
you leave Rape and Murder here."- her two
sons. Um, so, he, like, lures them into his
house and then he cuts their throats and bakes
them into a pie, because why the fuck not.
And, um, at the peace talks Titus enters and
he's like dressed like a chef. And everyone's
like, "What the fuck is going on?" And he's
like, "Whatever! Eat some pie!" So they all
eat some pie and he's like, "Your son was
in that." And he's like, "Would you kill your
daughter if she got raped, Saturninus?" And
he's like, "Totally." So he, like, kills his
daughter and he's like, "She got raped! And
also, for you!"
So, I forgot to rate Titus Andronicus before
I desperately grabbed for milk, because I
was gonna vomit on everything and then the
card ran out. So! Titus Andronicus gets 1
star- 1 hot pepper out of 5 hot peppers, because
it is a bad show that people think is good
and they're like "We're gonna do edgy Shakespeare
that people don't know." But, like, there's
other shows that people don't know that are
like, better, so like, do Cymbeline, or Coriolanus,
or something. I don't know, fuck you.
Um, and- ugh. This hot pepper gets like 15
hot peppers out of 5 hot peppers because it
is way worse than I wanted it to be and Ben
is a lying sack of shit.
So, if you likedtoday's video you should like, comment, and subscribe, and we'll like, have past videos
over here, and maybe future videos over here.
Keeping it down. Everything's fine. Um, we
would also like to tell you to go check out
Hot Pepper Gaming which is totally the reason
why we started this series because we thought
that what they do is pretty fucking cool and
we're theater people and we thought theater
reviews should be more exciting, and accessible,
and shit. Also! there's a show at Theater
Row right now that I have not seen called
Puppet Andronicus and if there is a Shakespeare
show that should be done solely with, like,
Sock Puppets it should be this show because
it is fucking hilarious. Um, is there anything
Oh, um, be sure to follow us on Twitter! @butthurtreviews because that's what my butt will be after this.
Umm, and you can follow me on twitter
@tbbackus @ whatever. And if you're interested
in me talking about plays more intelligently
and more, about like, shit that's more current,
you can check out playperday.wordpress.com.
Have a fucking great day.